The Middle

There are all kinds of Valentine's gifts.

Some are better than others, but the best ones

come straight from the heart.

Oh, my gosh. Brick!

I love it.

So... pretty.

I know I'm supposed to wait till Valentine's Day,

but I just couldn't. I think it's some of my best work.

And I think you'd be right.

Oh, thank you so much, Brick.

Oh. I am gonna cherish this forever.

Hey, dad, I know you're probably wondering

what I'm doing for Valentine's Day.

I don't exactly have a date,

and that could really bum me out,

'cause last year was so great

- 'cause I had Matt and everything. - Your mom's in the kitchen.

She told me you guys were in here.

Anyway, the school is having a dance,

and I signed up to be on the cleanup committee.

I may not be in love,

but I can still clean up for people in love.

Oh, my God. Nobody goes to that lame dance.

You're just mad because your girlfriend is out of town.

She's at a wedding... something you'll never be in.

I suggest buying a wacky hat

and starting your cat collection now.

That's not even an insult. I love cats.

So, dad, are you doing anything for mom for Valentine's Day?

Anything romantic?

Ah, we're not those kind of people.

But you have to do something,

even if it's just writing her a note

or sending a cute text telling her how much you love her.

Well, I'm doing something. I'm taking the Christmas tree

out to the curb without being asked.

This is it?

I thought you said Boss Co. would be in the black by now.

Is black the good one or the bad one?

Look, we really ate it,

trying to get that possum out of the garage.

Between Darrin's stitches and the rabies shots,

we got hosed.

I can still see those pink eyes coming at me.

That's it, dudes. We're broke.

And we can't lay anybody off, 'cause we're all bosses.

How can we be so powerful and powerless at the same time?

I can't believe you're breaking up with me

- right before Valentine's Day. - I'm sorry!

Really, I don't know what else to say.

Well, thanks a lot. Now I don't have a date to the dance.

I hate you! (Cries)

Whoa.

Wait a sec. There's a lot of guys

wanting to get out of relationships

before Valentine's Day, right?

That way, they can avoid spending all that money

and taking things to the next level.

- Go on. - I will.

Breaking up in person's horrible,

and the text dump can be forwarded,

land you on the douche list, so what if we did it?

Did what?

What if guys paid us to break up with the girls for them? Huh?

Boss Co. breakup service.

Okay. Explain it to me one more time.

Mother? Why is this in the trash?

Oh! Thank God you found it!

I have been looking everywhere for that.

Uh-huh. You are a lousy liar.

Okay. Here's the thing.

You guys bring home a lot of stuff,

and that's great, but I can't keep everything,

and truthfully, this is not your best work.

And yet you keep this picture Axl drew

of two butts orbing in the earth.

Are the butrronauts still up there? (Clatter)

Look, Brick, I didn't throw everything of yours away.

I saved the important stuff.

Oh. Where is it?

Put away in boxes.

Can I see it? The years have gone by so fast,

I'd like to reminisce.

Reminisce.

That's fine.

But you know, all the current magazines are saying

we should live in the present, so...

Find it.

I've got a date to the dance!

Oh! I'm not gonna be a loser after all.

Oh, my God. I'm so relieved. I can barely breathe.

So what happened?

Well, I just got off the phone with Matt.

Turns out he broke up with Sheri.

I knew it wouldn't last. And he realized he missed me

and loved me and couldn't live without me.

And he asked if he could have the honor of taking me

to the Valentine's dance!

Oh, honey. That's so great.

I'm gonna ride my bike over to Carly's

and tell her all about it. Aah!

(Gasps) Guess what, dad?

I'm going to the dance after all!

Romantic, huh?

Oh, and I see the tree's still up.

Just sayin'.

Aah!

So you are... Amanda, right? (Pen clicks)

And you date Connor?

Now this may seem abrupt... (Pen clicks)

but now that you're both seniors and going to college,

he feels it's a natural time to start seeing other people.

- What? - He's very much enjoyed your time together,

but I'm afraid that time has... come to an end.

And he would've been here himself,

but he thought this was for the best.

I can't believe he's doing this. What a jerk!

Don't despair.

You're a beautiful young lady with lots of love ahead of you.

Any guy would be lucky to have you.

Just not Connor.

"I know I never say it, but you're very special to me."

"You're special to me, too." Jim?

Ah, Jim, uh... hey, listen, about that text...

Yeah. I was kinda wanting to talk to you about it, too.

Uh, no. We don't have to do that.

See, uh, in fact, that text was...

The nicest thing anybody's ever done.

I'll just say it.

You're the best boss I've ever had, Mike.

Uh, all right, then. Thanks.

I've been... kinda going through a rough patch lately,

and you telling me I'm special is just the boost I needed.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

I never told anyone this.

But I've always had a hard time fitting in.

When you're a kid, all you wanna do is belong, you know?

Sure.

See, I started going bald when I was in grade school.

You ever see a 180-pound 12-year-old with a comb-over?

It feels good just to say it.

I heard about your guys' service,

and I wanna dump my girlfriend,

but I don't wanna hurt her feelings.

You've come to the right place, Evan.

What am I signing?

Ah, it's a standard release form

saying we're not liable if anything goes wrong.

And that if your ex is hot, we, the members of Boss Co.,

reserve the right to ask her out

after the appropriate 7-day waiting period.

Correction... 3-day waiting period.

Sorry, Rachel, but Spencer feels you two have grown apart.

It's never gonna work.

We're sorry, Miss Poltorak, but Mr. Whiteman thinks

you guys are looking for different things.

You're too good for him anyway.

Really?

Definitely.

Now could you go online and take a brief survey

saying you were broken up with in a kind and courteous manner?

Oh, and if you could take a moment

to "like" us on Facebook, that would also be great.

So Brick's stuff was missing,

and knowing Brick, he wasn't gonna let it go.

I learned my lesson.

Next time I throw away any more art projects,

I'm using the dumpster behind the mini-mart.

Anyway, I was desperate, and I knew what I had to do.

Hey, Nancy.

Oh, hi, Frankie. Wanna come in for a cinnamon bun

and watch Dr. Oz?

Oh, no, thanks.

Listen, this is kind of embarrassing,

but I can't find any of Brick's old art projects.

I'm pretty sure Mike threw them all out.

Men do the craziest things, huh?

Tell me about it. Remember Ron's perm?

Ooh. Anyway, I was wondering if I could borrow

one of your kids' old projects and pass it off as Brick's.

Absolutely. Believe me, I get it.

Three kids... no way you can keep up with everything.

Hey, lookie what I found.

Brick's centerpiece from Thanksgiving.

There's no way in hell Brick made that.

Damn it, and this was the worst one, too.

I can't believe I threw away all my son's stuff.

Seriously, what kind of a mother am I?

According to Brick's school, not actively involved.

Well, they're right, Mike.

I'm a terrible, terrible mother.

Uh... what were the buttronauts doing in the trash?

Do you not understand what the buttronauts represent?

They represent butts in space.

Show a little respect.