The Eye of the Salamander

Shit.

God damn!

Good boy.

You have got to be kidding me.

Working late again, Dr. Hiscock?

Yes, Dr. Hiscock.

Since there's nothing else to do in your boring little life.

Careful, Doc.

You keep talking to yourself,

you're gonna need to see a real doctor.

Maybe it's finally time to get a pet.

Oh, wait. No.

I've already got triceratops at home.

A big fat beastie with three horns.

Only thing she left me after the divorce.

Triceratops? Sure, yeah.

Could really use one of those.

Hold it right there.

Working late again, Professor?

What? Are you famished?

Midnight munchies.

- You gotta be careful with those.

You're round enough already.

Goodnight to you too, sir.

Hey, Hiscock.

Boo!

I'll see ya.

Butt hole.

What's that smell?

Something.

Well, hello there.

What do we have here?

Where's my God damn phone?

I left it right here.

Or in the car.

Hell with it. Don't need it much these days, anyhow, do I?

Okay.

Exhibit number 25003.

Found in the Pyramid of the Moon

at the ancient city Teoteqokan in the valley of Mexico,

the top part is crowned by a head that looks like a dragon,

on an ugly version of an axolotl salamander,

probably dedicated to the Aztec God Xolotl.

The pyramid appears to be more Egyptian than South American.

Possible connection there.

Carbon dating could be a good idea.

Dimensions, 25.5 by 32 inches.

Under 41 pounds.

Made of stone.

Collected a lot of residue.

Requiring cleaning.

And that...

Is exactly what we're gonna do.

Oh!

Done.

Done for the night.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Hello, beautiful.

Am I getting lucky tonight?

Hey.

Not such a bad night after all.

Sooner or later, I'm gonna crack you, sweetie.

What the hell?

This keeps getting better and better.

Tricky little sucker!

Get you...

Got ya!

What is that?

No way.

Shit.

What the hell?

That's what weighed 40 pounds?

What's this made of? Plutonium?

It's warm.

And radioactive?

Shit!

The exhibit appears to be a hollow stone casket,

holding a decorative tablet.

Probably made of uranium or some other heavy metal.

It consists of two sides, held together by

an electromagnetic force.

Pattern...

Markings don't appear to be any Toltec, Mayan,

Aztec pattern known to me.

It's probably from another cult.

What the hell?

I gotta stop drinking this stuff.

Damn it!

Hello?

Screw this.

Come on.

Come on, sesame. Open up.

Come on.

You stay here.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay!

Come on. Work, you son of a bitch!

Okay, okay, okay. Come on.

Come on, this can't be happening. This can't be real!

Come on, come on, come on!

Hello?

What the fuck?

No, please!

No!

Oh.

You can talk.

I'm sorry. I don't know what you mean.

But whatever I did, I'm really sorry.

Look, I'm just visiting here.

I tell you what.

You tell me how to get outta here,

you'll never see me again, I promise!

What do you want from me?

I don't know what you mean!

What do you want from me?

Whatever it is, I don't have it!

Nightmare.

I gotta quit smoking pot.

- I wouldn't mind a hit right now.

Who said that?

Shut up!

It can hear better than it can see!

You're...

You.

I mean, I'm me, but I'm also you too.

Okay.

First, I get zapped into these mines.

Then that thing that looks like some Xolotl

from an Aztec nightmare shows up.

And now you.

It is Xolotl.

What? How do you know?

I asked him.

I said, "Excuse me.

Aren't you Xolotl from Aztec religion?"

And he goes, "Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

I'm just a guy in a costume,

'cause it's Halloween on freaking Mars."

Mars.

The surface.

How do you know that was Mars?

- Because I've been in the moon since then.

And you know what?

I think I saw your ugly mug up there.

I've never been to the moon.

Not yet.

What do you mean?

Shut up.

I don't have time. I need to think.

Light speed.

The time is divided by...

That gives us about a 20-minute gap.

- Look, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to-

Give me those.

Oh.

I used the tablet from Xolotl's chamber.

How? it didn't work.

- You have to use the opposite side.

Oh.

- It dropped me onto the moon's surface.

How did you survive?

Look at my face, dick wad.

Ooh.

Ow!

Well, at least you don't have a black eye.

- But the space vacuum jump-started my brain.

Now I know I need to turn the damn thing to jump back.

There's one more thing.

I saw what was up there.

I think he tried to scream something.

What?

The vacuum's dangerous, especially for the brain.

You were probably hallucinating.

- Oh, please. I'm here now, aren't I?

Hey.

The tablet from the lab is still here.

We can use it to get home!

- At first I thought I went straight back,

but something didn't feel right.

This time, it was as if the beast had never been chasing me.

Like it had never even happened.

And the tablet was gone, too. Just poof.

Vanished.

And then I hear you chattering away with El Monstro.

You mean you got away, too?

Yeah, I ran.

Then I used a tablet, which sent me to the moon and back.

Back to the past.

To the time before I was sent here from Earth.

I need a smoke.

Now you're talkin'.

- Well, how is that even possible? Is it a time machine?

- Don't ask me. I'm just visiting.

But if it is some sort of instant teleporter,

then it's faster than the speed of a light.

Right.

Because...

If time is slowing down closer to the speed of light,

then theoretically,