Happy Death Day

(SAXOPHONE PLAYING OUT OF TUNE)

Shut up!

Oh, hey, you're UP-

I wasn't sure if you, you know, wanted to sleep in or not.

Am I in a dorm room?

Uh,yeah.

Yeah, it's my birthday

And now you gotta pick up the phone

Where are my clothes?

On the dresser.

I folded your pants last night.

You know, I wasn't sure if that material gets wrinkled.

Great.

Uh...

Don't know if you remember my name or not.

Pretty wasted last night. Tylenol?

What?

My head is killing me. Do you have any Tylenol?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Sorry.

Thanks.

I'm Carter, by the way.

Not a word of this to anyone, got it?

Yeah. Sure.

Dude! Did you hit that fine vagine or what?

Nice one, dickhead.

Hey! (CHUCKLES)

Stop global warming?

Oh. (LAUGHING)

Run!

(SINGING) 63 bottles of beer on the wall

(ON MEGAPHONE) 26 hours, that's all you got?

Bottles of beer on the wall

I can't hear you!

62 bottles of beer

You take one down Pass it around

Keep going!

Hey!

Hi.

You haven't returned any of my texts.

Yeah, sorry, I've been busy.

Yeah, I can see that.

Okay, Tim, we went on a date.

One.

I don't have to text you back. We're not, like, a thing.

Okay. I just...

You know, I figured we had a nice time.

You had a nice time. I was miserable.

I mean, who takes their first date to Subway?

It's not like you have a footlong.

(VIETNAMESE MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)

Hey, does this look infected to you?

Someone drank my kombucha!

ls this gluten-free?

Yes. Of course.

Oh, my God!

You sneaky little beeyotch! Who was it?

Nobody.

Sisters don't keep secrets.

Seriously, it was nobody.

Well, I hope "nobody" used a condom.

We don't want somebody looking like a whore.

Thanks, Danielle. Super helpful.

What are sisters for?

Oh, and don't forget, house meeting at lunch.

Living for it.

Hmm.

She finally rolls in.

Did I totally embarrass myself last night?

Not at all!

Unless you consider

dancing on a table, starting two fights

and barfing pretzel chunks all over the bar embarrassing.

Please tell me you're kidding.

Oh, and you also rammed your tongue down Nick Sims' throat

right in front of Danielle.

Oh, God! But she was so nice to me this morning.

Yeah, I think she was as drunk as you last night.

So consider it collective amnesia.

Thank God for that!

Oh, crap! I'm so late for class.

I can't find my damn book!

Ha!

Did you really think you could keep it a secret from me?

How did you find out?

Driver's license.

Not the best picture, I might add.

I assume you changed my ringer, too?

Who, me?

Never.

What'd you wish for?

A new roommate.

Wench. (CHUCKLES)

I made that from scratch!

Sorry, too many carbs. Toodles!

Locomotive response in the subject shows an acceleration

across the quantum plane.

This creates great orbital overlap

between the partially positive base of carbon

and the partially negative hydrogen alkali group.

Thanks.

Get your school spirit on before the big game.

10% off with your student ID.

We really need to step up our game at the Sigma parties, okay?

And we still need to pick this year's charity.

I can say right now,

there's no way we're doing the Special Needs Art Fair again.

Totally freaked my shit out. Thoughts?

What's wrong?

Oh, I don't know.

What's wrong, Tree?

Nothing.

Except for that cat lady buffet you just dumped at our table.

And is that chocolate milk I see?

I missed breakfast.

What is breakfast, Becky?

Oh! Asshole! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Tree.

Wait, you two know each other?

Yeah. No!

We had a class together last year.

Look, I was bringing you this back.

Sorry, I didn't know where you lived. You know, I...

Yeah. I'm sorry again about the mess.

What a douchebag!

(ON PA) Dr. Lawrence to outpatient services.

Dr. Lawrence to outpatient services.

Yeah, it's my birthday

And now you gotta pick up the phone

Lori! Hi.

Hi.

Um...

So, I thought you only work nights.

Doing a double for Jen. She has the flu.

That's nice of you.

So, I guess I don't need to ask what you're doing here?

Got to go!

Look, Tree.

It's none of my business,

but I think something like this

is bound to have some pretty serious consequences.

You're right. It is none of your business.

(ON PA) Dr. Surd and Dr. Margo/an, 2476.

Dr. Surd and Dr. Margolan, 2476.

We can't do this today.

There's too much going on in the building.

I have patients.

And I'm losing mine.

Gregory.

Hi. Hey, sweetie.

What's with the door?

Stupid thing got jammed.

Oh. Just wrapping up here. Have you met my student, Theresa?

No, I haven't.

Hi, it's nice to meet you.

Thank you so much for helping me out.

This is a nice surprise.

(ON TV) Nathan's been acting really strange since our big fight.

And this morning,

he drove to Atlanta for a last-minute business meeting

about opening a new gym.

Enter.

Which is weird because I've never heard anything about it before.

But I'm trying not to let that bring me down.

ls that my top?

How cute is it on me?

Whatever. Just don't get anything on it, please.

You mean like Nick's nutter butter?

Wow. Classy, Danielle.

What time are you going to the party tonight?

I don't know. Later.

Ugh.

Our tuition dollars at work.

Anyhoo, don't be too late, or all the cute Sigma boys will be taken.

Okay. Bye.

Bye!

Who took my hair dryer?

Crazy bitch!

(ON PHONE) Theresa, it's Dad.

I sat in that restaurant waiting for you for over an hour.

I can't believe you would do this to me, today of all days!

Bayfield, baby! Ooh!

Babies for life!

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY TUNE PLAYING ON MUSIC BOX)

Okay, you guys are hilarious. You can come out now.

Losers.