Self Reliance

Fucking knock on the fucking door.

Un-fucking-believable.

Hi.

Hi.

This is you, right?

Yeah. That's me.

Are you the actor Andy Samberg?

I am.

- You are? Yeah.

Are you kidding?

I'm a big fan, man. Like, a big fan.

Oh, thank you very much. Hey, I got a question for you.

Do you like limos?

Do I like limos? Sure. Yeah.

Who doesn't, right?

Right. - Yeah.

You wanna get in?

Uh...

- Sure. - Yeah? Come on.

Congrats. You've been selected.

Thanks. For what?

Um, I don't know.

So, um, you know what?

I'm not memorized, so I'm just gonna read this off the card.

Are you talking to me or...?SAMBERG: Per the contract.

Huh? No, sorry, you're good.

- Don't worry. Yeah. - Okay.

Uh, Thomas Walcott.

Single, no children, no dependents.

Job is network management,

focusing on statistical analysis.

Physically fit.

Enough.

I guess they're not too strict about that one.

I'm joking. Kind of serious though.

All right. I'll keep it going here.

I'm sorry. I'll keep it going. I'ma keep it tight.

Uh, after your breakup... I'm sorry.

...you moved back in with your mother.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Andy Samberg. How do you know all this?

Oh, the company that hired me,

I think they've been tracking you for a while.

There's a company that's been tracking me?

I guess what I would say is, don't ask me

any specific questions because they told me nothing.

I, I don't know any details about what it is.

But I do need to ask you, do you want to continue on this adventure?

Um...

Fuck it. Yes.

- Really? - Really, yeah. Definitely.

Why would you say yes?

'Cause this is the most exciting thing that's happened to me in ages.

And I don't - want it to end. - Okay.

I mean, if I say no, then I have to go back to my life.

And my life is in this, like, routine. It's, like, I'm stuck.

So saying yes has to be better than that, right?

I mean, no, not necessarily.

But, man, the way you just phrased that. So sad.

Um... All right, let's go.

How long until we get to, uh, the next part of the adventure?

You're not supposed to talk.

How come?

I think they just wanna use all of this.

Build up the tension.

Okay. You see that red door? Walk through it.

There will be small red arrows on the ground and walls.

Just follow those.

- You're not coming? - No, no, I'm done.

Yeah, they just paid me to get you here. So...

Well, it was really awesome to meet you.

Yeah.

- Maybe we could get a beer. - Good luck, man.

- Yeah. Thank you. - Yeah.

Come sit.

Please.

Okay.

Congratulations.

You have been selected to partake

in the biggest reality show in the dark web.

There will be people trying to kill you.

The hunters.

What are you talking about?

There's people trying to murder me?

Very much so.

Each participant selected will have 30 days to... survive.

If they survive 30 days,

they will receive one million dollars, cash.

The hunters will be all around the world, Mr. Walcott,

and, uh, might not make it to your city.

So you will be safe until they find you.

You might spend the next 30 days and never encounter anyone,

but you still make the million dollars.

We will be filming you the entire time.

How?

Production assistants have already bugged your residence

as well as places we expect you to go.

They will travel as you do. You will not see them.

They are highly skilled at evasion.

So they're kind of like production assistant ninjas?

No, they are not trained ninjas.

I didn't say trained ninjas, I said like ninjas.

But if it helps you to say yes, to think of them as ninjas,

we are fine with that.

Excuse me. I need to stand up for a moment.

- Yeah, please. Thank you.

What are you thinking?

I mean, what can I do to help you say yes?

Ah, nothing. I don't think I can do this.

Oh, you can. You should.

Well, come sit down, yeah. You can always say no.

So, just come sit for a minute. Yeah?

It's very interesting, guys.

I just, I don't think that I can do this. I can't risk other people's lives.

I can't, I can't have my roommate catching a bullet

'cause I'm playing some silly game.

Your mother will be safe.

How do you-- How can you guarantee that?

You will only be killed when you are alone.

What does that mean, I'll only be killed when I'm alone?

If you are with someone else, the hunters will have to wait.

There is no risk to anyone else.

But once alone, you are no longer safe.

So that's a loophole.

Well, this is no loophole. It's just a rule.

Well, it's kind of a loophole.

What if I was with, like, my mom or my sisters every second of every day?

You would need to spend every moment

with them in close proximity. It's not as easy as it sounds.

Yeah. If the person you're with walks

to the other side of the room, you are vulnerable for attack.

You must be within striking distance from them

each and every second.

So let me get this straight. It's 30 days, right?

And you guys are hunting me for my life.

But you cannot touch me if I'm with someone,

and the hunters might not even ever make it to my city.

So there's a chance I spend the entire 30 days

and no one even finds me.

And then I get a million dollars. That's the game?

- Yes. - Are you interested?

Let's play.

I just wanna make sure that I'm clear on what you're saying.

What you called us all here on a Saturday to say, which is

that Andy Samberg pulled up to you driving a limo?

- No, I, I'm not saying that. Okay. What are you saying?

He had a chauffeur.

I'd hope so. Oh, I'm sorry. I botched that detail.

Oh, you're damn right he'd have a driver.

The Sams ain't driving himself.

Don't call him The Sams. He goes by Andy.

- What are you, his publicist? - Yeah, you're his best friend now?

No, but he, no, I didn't call him The Sams.

- He didn't introduce himself. - I call him The Sams.

You've never met him.

Andy Samberg. - Yeah.

Is like, "Hey Tommy, get in, get in the backseat."

I'm just trying to get it right.

I didn't, okay, this is getting turned around.

I'm done talking about Andy fucking Samberg.

If the hunters find me,

you need to be with me 24/7 so I don't die.

Oh, hey, but, like, aren't there other people playing

the pretend-y game who could hang out with you?

I posted a cryptic message on, uh, Craigslist.

I'm waiting to hear back, but I can't depend on it.

So in the meantime, I need to lean on the family.

Okay. Tommy, you are delusional.

I am not delusional.

What about when you told everybody at school

that you were moving to Japan

to become a Samurai with Dad after he left? How about that?

Great idea. Bringing up when Dad left, right in front of Mom.

Okay, what about the time that you made us all

call you Michael Jackson for a year?

Okay, you know what, guys?'Cause I liked his music.

No, you know what, guys? - Stop. Stop. - I was a fan.

There's a big difference between liking--

What is the difference?

Stop, stop. Just a minute, okay? Just hang on just a minute.

Honey, do you think that all this, Andy Samberg,

Greenlandic ninjas, the Internet killing show

is really, really more about the fact