Friends

Hello?

It's me. I know you can't stand to be in the same room.

I just thought I'd try and apologize over the phone...

Hello?

Look, I never should've kissed your girlfriend, and I'm...

Stop calling!

Hey, hey, hey. This is 92.3 WXRK K-Rock...

...calling with our $1000 daily challenge.

All right.

What is the name of...

...your roommate who is very, very sorry and would do anything...?

Ugh, turkey.

Ugh, giving thanks. Ugh.

Look, everyone, it's the spirit of Thanksgiving.

Are things with Joey any better?

They couldn't be worse. I spent eight hours calling him...

...trying to get him to talk to me.

Oh, wow. Eight hours.

So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh?

Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?

You shouldn't.

Speaking of Christmas...

...since Monica and I are starting a new business and have like no money...

...this year maybe we could do Secret Santa and then we each only buy one gift.

And there's the added mystery of, you know, who gets who.

Who gets "whom."

I don't know why I do that.

Oh, I'm gonna take a nap. Turkey makes me sleepy.

We haven't eaten yet.

I know, but all that work you're doing to get it ready, and I just...

Hey, did either of you pick Rachel for your Secret Santa?

- Because I wanna trade for her. - I picked her. Oh, thank God, you want her.

Ooh.

Wow, why do you wanna get rid of her so badly?

Because she exchanges every gift she gets.

It's, like, impossible to get her something she likes.

Come on, let's trade.

That's not true. I got her that backpack and she loved it.

I remember how much she was crying the day that big dog ran off with...

There was no big dog.

This sucks, because I already got her this briefcase and I had "R.G." put on it.

- Her initials. - Oh.

Maybe you can give it to somebody else. Oh. Like Ross Geller.

Oh, you know what, though? It's a girlie briefcase.

Who cares? He works in a museum.

Hey, what time is it? The big game's about to start.

Ross and Joey aren't here. You can watch the parade if you want.

Thanks.

What is wrong with this freezer? Ow! Ow!

- God, what happened? - Oh, my God, ice just got in my eye.

People are trying to sleep in here.

Monica got ice in her eye and it hurts.

- Open it up. Let me see. - Oh, I can't. It really kills.

Well, maybe you should put some ice on it.

- Ooh, it looks bad. - Maybe we should take you to a doctor.

No, my eye doctor is Richard.

I can't go to him when I don't have a boyfriend.

He's really picky about his patients.

Okay, you've gotta go. What's his office number?

Oh, like I remember his office number.

Speed dial 7.

Hi, yeah, I'm calling on behalf of Monica Geller's eye, and...

Is Richard Burke in today?

He's out of town. Does she wanna see the on-call doctor?

- Yes. - Yes. She's very excited about that.

It's so cool.

Till Monica gets back, it's like I'm head chef and I get to make all the decisions.

Hey, hey, I thought she told you to follow the recipe exactly.

Okay, get out of my kitchen.

All right, okay. I think I'm making some progress with Joey.

When I went into the apartment, he went to his bedroom...

...but he only slammed the door once.

I mean, yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it.

All right, I gotta call my mom and ask her a left-handed cooking question.

So listen, I picked Monica for Secret Santa...

...but I'm getting her something for Hanukkah.

You wanna switch?

Oh, you know what? I was trying to trade for, uh, ahem, well, you.

Really? Wow, that's so nice. What are you gonna get me?

I don't know, R.G. I was thinking something girlie for your office.

Yeah. Well, maybe Phoebe will switch with me.

Then you're gonna get stuck with Rachel, and she exchanges every gift she ever gets.

Oh, that's not true. I got her lots of stuff she never took back.

Like?

Like that gold necklace I got her last year.

When was the last time you saw her wear it?

Well, she wore it all Christmas day and then, uh...

Big dog?

- Hey. - Hey.

What are you doing?

Sending back this stuff Chandler bought out of guilt.

- Everything? Even the TV? - No, I'm gonna put that in my room.

Listen, Joey. I know what he did was wrong.

But don't you think you could hear the guy out?

When you and Rachel were together...

...if Chandler had kissed her, would you hear him out?

That's a good point.

So how long you gonna punish him?

Five years.

You've sentenced him?

Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

- But, Joey, the guy's your best friend. - No, was my best friend.

I don't know why you're pushing for him so hard.

With him out of the way as my best friend, there's a spot open.

- Who, me? - Yeah.

Wow. I'm honored.

You know what I'm gonna do as my first act as your best friend?

I'm gonna get you to talk to Chandler.

All right.

Oh, but if you weren't my best friend...

Ah.

Oh, my God. Is it really that bad?

I walk in the room, and he won't even talk to me.

He just mumbles something in Italian.

And I know he only knows the bad words.

Hey, Gunther, have you seen Chandler?

I thought you were Chandler.

But, um, one of you is over there.

Oh.

Hey, Joe.

I'll be right with you, okay?

Thanks for coming in.

Oh, my God. How cute is the on-call doctor?

Oh. So cute that I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.

Dr. Burke will see you now.

Oh, no, no, no, not Dr. Burke. Dr. Burke's out of town.

The on-call doctor will see me now.

Dr. Richard Burke is out.

Dr. Timothy Burke, his son, will see you now.

Ready?

Hey, I'm sorry. That...

- Where you going? - My folks'.

Oh. Uh...

When you coming back?

I don't know.

I might stay there for a few days while I look for an apartment.

What?

Yeah, you know, at first I thought we could talk about this, work it out.

But seeing you two together, I don't...

Hey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say I'll stop seeing her?

It's not about her. Okay?

But seeing you two together just reminds me of what you did.

And I don't wanna live with someone who doesn't know what it is to be a friend.

- So I'll see you. - Hey, look, I know what it is to be a friend.

- I just... I screwed up. - Yeah, you did.

And that's why I'm leaving.

Look, if you're not gonna stay for me, then at least stay for them.

Okay? They have had a very difficult year, what with the robbery and all.

When that guy was robbing us...

...and I was locked in the entertainment unit for six hours...

...do you know what I was doing?

I was thinking about how I let you down.

- Wow. - Yeah.

If I'd have known what kind of friend you were gonna be, I wouldn't have worried.

- See you around. - All right, wait, come on.

Just wait one second. There has to be something that I can do.

If we still had that unit...

...I would get in there for six hours and think about how I let you down.

What?

We got a box.

I remember the last time I saw you.

It was the morning I left for college.

You were just standing outside the Dairy Queen.

Heh. Just probably waiting for it to open.

Gotta tell you, you look great now.

- You look great too. - You're an excellent patient.

So how does it look?

You've got a little scratch on your cornea. You're gonna have to wear a patch.

Like a pirate?

If that helps you.

Ahem. So how long have you been working with your dad?

Come on, one of us had to mention him.

I moved back here a couple months ago.

Ah.

- Big family dinner tonight? - Uh...

No way.

I was gonna have Thanksgiving at my girlfriend's.

- Oh. - But we broke up.

Oh?

She wasn't ready for a serious commitment.

Oh.

So you made her walk the plank, aye, matey?

You're not wearing the patch yet.

I know.

- He's coming here for Thanksgiving? - I know. It's sick.

- Why is it sick? - Because it's Richard's son.

It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner.

I mean, come on, Phoebe, you understand, don't you?

Yeah, I could see where I'd be your best shot, but no.

- Sorry, honey. I think it's twisted. - Yeah.

- What's twisted? - Oh. Me going out with Richard's son.

Ew.