Ricardo Quevedo: los amargados somos más

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL

A big round of applause for

Ricardo Quevedo!

Hi, everyone!

Thank you very much. You're so nice.

Thank you very much. You're so nice.

So natural, so kind.

I'm so glad you're here.

I'm always glad, every time I perform and the theater is packed.

I'm glad and I'm worried too.

'Cause there are too many people

and resources are running out...

There's no room for us all in this world,

so I very much agree with Thanos, from the Avengers.

One snap and fuck half of us off.

Let's start over.

Yeah, let's start over.

A lot of folk say: "What if it happens to my family?"

Because it's random, you know.

If it happens to my family, well...

Black Panther died.

Spider-man died.

Priorities, right?

Yeah, I mean...

Let's say...

your family goes, and another family's lost a member,

team up with them!

And move forward,

so there are fewer people

and we make the most of our time here.

Many people say it's a radical solution and all that.

But you don't think the same...

when overpopulation affects you, you know?

For example, when you're stuck in a traffic jam.

Traffic is not the problem

but the annoying people in traffic jams.

Those people

who are a little bit dumb.

Those people who bring out the murderer in you, you know.

Most of us are bitter,

and that's when you think: "Yes,

there are people who deserve to die,

so the rest of us can move on and be happy."

Those people who honk the horn when they're stuck in a traffic jam.

Those people who honk the horn at a red light.

Why do those people exist?

No, no.

Think of the person who is first in the line.

You're in your car, respecting the rules.

You're first in the line of cars.

The traffic light is red. You stay still, follow the rules.

Listening to your favourite music.

You left early for the first time in your life.

You got paid that day.

You're happy.

And there's a motherfucker honking the horn behind you

and you cannot move. What do you think?

You probably think: "This man is in a hurry and I can't move.

I always fuck up somehow.

God, I fuck up all the time.

I won't make eye contact so he doesn't get angrier.

Please, God, put love and patience to the heart of that person behind me,

so he doesn't get out of the car and try to beat me up.

Oh, he got out of the car!

I'll move to the sidewalk!

You don't say any of that.

You get really pissed, right?

Because you don't respond well to that negative pressure.

When someone pressures you, you don't cooperate.

You don't make an effort to help.

That happens to you at work, right?

When they ask grudgingly, you don't wanna do it.

Imagine being told at work,

out of nowhere...

"Go and fix that shit!"

Your boss.

Yes, sir. No problem.

This son of a bitch.

You feel offended.

You come back and say: "I couldn't. I'm sorry.

I tried, but couldn't."

You don't wanna help that person, right? They've got a bad attitude.

If they treat you badly, you don't wanna do it.

But when they ask nicely, you do wanna help.

But not when they are rude, so you're full of rage in the traffic jam.

The guy keeps honking the horn and you can't move.

You're boiling with rage in there.

"Yes, Thanos was right!

Yes! Yes!"

You're so angry that when the light turns green, you don't move.

You just stay there.

You check the time

and say: "I'm early, fuck this guy."

We are all gonna be late, fuck it.

You're in a bad mood.

You don't respond well with that negative pressure.

When someone pressures you, you don't respond the same way.

I'll give you an example to prove my point.

Ask your mom to take a picture with her cell phone.

There's no way that's gonna end well.

You're a good son, you give your mom a smartphone,

so she can get up to date, download her apps,

so she is connected to the world.

The first picture she sends to the family WhatsApp group

is one of herself with a massive double chin.

"I learned to take selfies."

She creates a group with your aunts

and they start sharing that aunt content.

Those low resolution photos,

all pixelated, of Tweety and Sylvester.

Yeah.

Those chains you get, saying,

"Forward this message from the Pope to 15 people

and God will bless your week.

Thanks for your cooperation."

You only watch one video.

Those videos your mom sends, you watch the first one and not the rest.

Yeah, you watch the first one

and you don't watch the rest 'cause they make you wanna die.

With sad music and a voice-over saying:

"He left home one day without a goodbye to his mother."

The video is like a threat.

That's why that day you're stressed out, worried, anxious,

you call every 15 minutes. "Mom, have you called the doctor?

Go for a check-up."

Yeah.

So you don't respond well under negative pressure, right?

Ask your mom to take a picture. You see she won't take it.

For example,

you go to a bakery and run into James Rodríguez.

Something that would never happen to you.

Never. Let's say James

got tired of living in Germany

and bought an apartment opposite yours.

You go to the bakery on Sunday and James is there,

wearing shorts, flip-flops, with his daughter,

buying Arepas for breakfast.

You go in with your mom and say,

"It's James Rodríguez, mom! Now!

Grab my phone, take a picture!

James, sorry to bother you. Just a quick picture.

Mom, quick, take the picture before more people come,

before the police take him,

before James leaves. Mom take the picture!

And she remains like this.

She puts her glasses on.

You try to smilingly give her instructions. "Mom,

don't be nervous, mom. Pay attention.

It's easy. I left the camera ready.

Just touch the screen.

Touch the screen, it's done,

James leaves, I'm happy ever after. Mom, don't do this to me, please.

Just touch the screen, please.

"I can't see the button."

Listen, mom, pay attention.

One thing at a time. Look at me.

I am here. Yes, ma'am. Your son, you gave birth to me.

Touch the screen.

Touch the screen. Take the picture. That's it.

Everybody's happy.

James probably has things to do, mom,

for God's sake.

Yes, Mr. James, that's my mom.

So beautiful. Yes, you have to be patient with them.

Yeah, so beautiful.

Touch that fucking screen, mom!

James has to go.

Just touch it.

"Now I see myself."

Mom, I'm telling you

touch the center of the screen.

You switched to selfie mode. Why do you do that to me?

Touch the screen.

- I took a selfie. - Mom!

It makes you wanna throw a tantrum like when you were a kid, right?

I have a theory that moms like to photograph the floor.

There's something about a floor that seduces them, intrigues them.

They wanna investigate it, they take pictures of it.

They take you a picture and you know it's not good from the start.

The flash is on and she points the cell phone down.

And she takes a picture of the floor.

I showed my friends the picture. "Guys, this floor tile

was from the day I met James Rodríguez. Just imagine..."

We all have a video on our phone.

A ten-second video of you and a friend staying still like this.

Done?

No, I'm not gay.

Touch the screen.

The last two seconds you approach the camera,

"Maybe it's reco..." and the video finishes.

There's no room for all of us.

And people get crazy when they drive.

You don't respond well to negative pressure.

You like to follow the rules,

but it's so hard to use turn signals

'cause that means warning the enemy.

As soon as they see you indicate,

they pull up to the next car

so as to not give way.

There are people who enjoy it.