Lovejoy

Who'll start me at 100? 100 for a start.

100 I'm bid. 100 I'm bid.

Who'll give me 10, who'll make it 110? I'm looking for 110.

100? 110 I'm bid. 110?

Who'll make it 20? Come on, gentlemen, who'll make it 20?

120, I'm bid. It's with you, madam, at 120.

Do I hear 50? 150 anywhere?

Come on, gentlemen, that's a genuine antique. They don't come up every day. 150?

150 I'm bid.

Come on, gentlemen, I'm looking for 350.

350 anywhere?

Don't lose it, madam, don't lose it for another 50.

350 anywhere? 350 I'm bid.

At 350. Who'll make it four? I'm looking for four.

Any more? At 350.

Are you all done? At 350? At 350...

Lovejoy.

It's 7:45 on a beautiful morning, and you're listening to BBC Radio Norfolk.

For God's sake, boy, get yourself together.

Well, what time is this Lovejoy bloke expecting me?

As soon as you get there.

There's an auction on today so he'll be at Gimbert's.

Now, I've wrapped him up some sausages and a nice loin of pork.

Oh, and, er...here's the cash.

And try and look a little less dozy than usual.

Boy, if they gave degrees out for lethargy you'd be a professor by now.

I don't reckon I'm gonna fancy this antiques lark.

Given the state of Mrs. Thatcher's Britain,

polytechnic dropouts like you don't have much choice, do they?

And seeing as how it's extremely unlikely that you're ever going to be an astronaut,

an industrial tycoon or a gynaecologist,

antiques it is.

It has to be said, Eric, you're a bitter disappointment to me.

Well, only since I've turned vegetarian.

I just had to come over and see your face the first time that lot went through.

- What's going on, Charlie? - Right of way, Lovejoy.

I made a deal with the farmer.

You made a deal with me, I rent this from you.

- I've only given him use of the yard. - Oh!

I promise you none of the cows will set foot inside the house.

- I owe you for this, Charlie. - I wait with baited breath.

Good morning, Mr. Gimbert. How are you today?

Extremely well, thank you, Bigelow.

Just had the pleasure of making Lovejoy's life a little less comfortable.

That always cheers you up, doesn't it, Mr. Gimbert?

Yes, yes.

I know I appear unreasonably vindictive at times but...

that's the way it is. You know the form by now.

If home is where the heart is, then this is home to me.

An auction room. An auction day

when the old ticker beats faster with the slender possibility that somewhere,

just somewhere amongst the bird cages, silver spoons, commemorative medals,

rolltop desks and castoffs from granny's attics

somewhere amongst that lot a genuine, authentic antique will appear,

shining with all the love that made it.

That's what this lot are doing here, too.

Dandy.

What do you make of this bonheur du jour, Lovejoy?

- It's listed as Sheraton. - It's his style.

- So is it good or not? - It's pretty good.

Good enough for a couple from Belgravia, with oodles of loot?

And a Rolls with a vulgar personalised number plate?

It's perfect, Dandy, perfect.

Don't forget antiques can be very valuable

and once money is involved - a great deal of money -

people can get very greedy, cunning.

Desperate, even.

And then people can get hurt...or worse.

- Rather sweet, don't you think, Tink? - Horrible.

Genuine Chelsea, look. Gold anchor mark.

Horrible.

Excuse me. Do you know someone called Lovejoy?

That depends.

You look rather too young to be an outraged husband,

but you might be one of those despicable nerks that hand out writs.

No, I'm Eric. I'm his student, Eric Catchpole.

Ah, well, in that case, I do have the privilege of being

Mr. Lovejoy's trusted ally and barker.

Barker?

A barker, is usually a dishevelled alcoholic trained to sniff out antiques

wherever they may lurk

and assess their authenticity, thus.

Blue and gold printed earthenware, Spode, marked AD 1732.

It's quite an achievement that considering Josiah Spode wasn't born until 1733.

We now come to lot 29, which on my left.

A small portable of a Japanese bamboo box.

We'll start off the bidding at £100.

Gentlemen, £100?

Who'll give me £100? Gentleman at the back. 110?

120?

130?

140? 150?

160? 170?

180?

190?

200?

210?

210 at the front.

220?

230?

240? 250?

260?

270?

280?

Come along, ladies and gentlemen. 290?

300...

Saved by the bell.

Mind telling me what is going on, Officer?

This is not a den of inequity or a house of ill repute.

We're trying to conduct an auction here.

Sorry, Mr. Gimbert, I'm looking for Lovejoy.

Tell him you never touched the girl.

Oh, in that case, Sergeant, you must do your duty.

You sold that, Lovejoy?

Yes, to a guy in Cambridge. Got a nice price.

- Hope you haven't spent it. - Only on luxuries like food and rent.

It's nicked!

It was stolen a month ago from a house near Thetford, among other things.

I don't steal antiques, I deal them. You know that.

You'd deal them if they were stolen, we both know that.

Oh, thank you, Colin, but I didn't want one anyway.

- Where'd you get it? - Someone who is neither a dealer or a thief.

Drummer.

- Drummer? - Who's he?

Old character lives out on the estuary. Owns a donkey and cart.

Gives kids rides in summer.

Rest of the year he spends beach combing.

Which is where he found this. He brought it to me.

My only crime is that I still haven't paid him his commission.

As it was nicked, you also owe the man in Cambridge his money back.

Well, if I could get back to the auction and get back to my trade I might be able to do that.

OK, Lovejoy, but I warn you.

Yes, Chief, I know.

I have graced you ruby anchor before. Oh, just one thing...

Please don't send uniformed cops to pick me up.

Hurts my standing in the community.

What was it, love, parking tickets?

- Who got the cage? - You really wanted that Japanese thing?

It's not a thing, it's a genuine 18th-century Japanese bamboo firefly cage.

I know a collector in London who'd have paid me a stack for it.

Better talk to her then, darling.

Oi! Oi!

Excuse me, are you Lovejoy?

Some other time, all right?

I'm Eric.

Eric Catchpole, like. My dad spoke to you.

- Look, another time, all right? - I've got some cash.

And some meat.

I've also got a motorbike.

I take great pleasure in unveiling this plaque for the town of Kersey.

- No brakes. - What?

- No brakes. - What?

No brakes!

- Sorry I lost her. - It's OK.

Why were you so keen to get hold of her?

She got something I'd wanted at the auction, hoped I could make a deal with her.

I certainly bollocksed up that ceremony back at the village.

The Mayoress didn't look too pleased.

She wasn't the Mayoress, she was Lord Felsham's wife, Lady Felsham.

And very tasty too. Well, from what I saw until you covered her in pond life.

Well, I turn up this morning and they say you've got nicked,

then we tear around the country like Miami Vice.

- And then we drank some aristocrat. - So?

Well, so, this job might not be totally boring after all.

- What's wrong? - The house?

- What about it? - I know the family, they're away.

- So? - So somebody is there who shouldn't be.

Hey, now look, we're not gonna get heroic or anything, are we?

Ruddy strange lot, this antiques business.

- (Dog barking) - (Man ) What is it, boy?

Get him!

Police? Lovejoy.

Help.

Obviously that dog belonged to the thieves.

The people wouldn't go away on holiday and leave that thing in the house.

Now, look, if it was me turning over a house,

would I call you up and report my own break-in and take the lad along?

Pity you didn't get the number plate.

That doberman was a trained attack dog,

there can't be that many of those in this area.

Just run your eye over this lot.

For over a year now there have been a series of systematic robberies in the whole area.

Between here and the coast, about 100 miles radius.

- Very selective, everything's small. - Small?.

Portable. They're not pinching sideboards.

- Have you seen any of this lot? - No.

Believe me, I'd know. Some very tasty little items here.

Nope, they've all gone to London or another continent or they're sleeping.

Sleeping?

Stashed. These things aren't gonna lose their value, are they?

I'm losing my job if I don't come up with something.

Sorry, I must have dozed off or something.

He's had a very full and exciting day.

What do you think of this antiques business, then?

- Well... - It's amazing, isn't it, Eric?

Totally amazing.

- You forgot your meat yesterday. - Hm?

Oh, yes.

Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer...

by that loin of pork.