Doctor Who

Thank you.

I better cash up then?

S'pose John-Joe can just wait for me?

No, I'll do it, you head off.

When's the council going to fix this? Last night my telly went off in the middle of Top Model.

John-Joe's waiting. I'll do the changing rooms, too. Oh, thanks, Shona.

There's a list on the fridge.

I saw it. And I've labelled the food And sort of numbered it.

Sophie, you don't need to number food.

It's just a suggestion. Also, my mum might phone.

Might? And your Mum. And my Dad.

And you know, just some people.

I can cope on my own!

Now, please, go and have a rest. You need it. I love you.

I love you, too. And thank you for this.

And I do know you can cope on your own.

And I may have drawn some arrows in the fridge. You do really have to go.

Kelly!

Hello?

Sorry, we need to close up?

Two minutes, OK?

Mum, it's not just you. I'm phoning everybody. I'm texting the world.

Craig Owens can do it on his own.

No-one is coming to help me!

Mum, I'm going to have to call you back.

I'm coping, I'm coping on my own...

I'm coping on my own!

I'm coping on my own!

Hello, Craig! I'm back!

She didn't?

How could she phone you?

How could who phone me? Nobody phoned me, I'm just here. You've redecorated!

I don't like it. It's a different house, we moved.

Yes, that's it. Doctor, what are you doing here?

Social call. Thought it was about time I tried one out. How are you?

I'm fine.

This is the bit where I say. "I'm fine, too" isn't it? I'm fine, too. Good. Love to Sophie, bye!

Something's wrong!

On your own, you said. But you're not...

you're not on your own! Just, shhh!

Increased sulphur emissions.

And look at the state of this place. What are you not telling me?

Doctor, please! Shhh! No, you shhh! Shhh! Shhh! No, you shhh!

Doctor!

Hello, who's in there?

Whatever you are, get off this planet!

Oh, you've woken him!

Hello?

You all right?

Aaaargh!

So when you say on your own...

Yes, I meant on my own with the baby, yes.

Cos no-one thinks I can cope on my own. Which is so unfair. Because... I can't cope on my own with him!

I can't. He just cries. All the time. I mean, do they have off-switches?

Human beings. No. I've checked. No, babies.

Same difference. Sometimes this works though.

Ssh.

Can you teach me to do that? Probably not. Oh, please come on, I need something, I'm rubbish at this.

At what? Being a dad.

You read all the books, they tell you you'll know what to do if you follow your instinct. I have no instinct!

That's what this weekend's about, trying to prove to people I can do this one thing well.

Ha-ha-ha! So what did you call him? Will I blush?

No, we didn't call him "the Doctor"!

No, I didn't think you would.

He's called Alfie. What are you doing here anyway?

Yes, he likes that, Alfie. Though personally he prefers to be called Stormageddon, Dark Lord Of All.

Sorry, what?

That's what he calls himself.

How do you know that? I speak baby.

Of course you do!

I don't even know when his nappy needs changing. I'm the one supposed to be his dad.

Oh, yeah. He's wondering where his mum is? Where is Sophie?

Gone away with Melina for the weekend. Needs a rest.

No, he's your dad, you can't just call him 'Not-Mum'. Not-Mum?

That's you. Also, Not Mum, that's me. And everybody else is...

"peasants."

That's a bit unfortunate.

What are you here for? I just popped in to say hello.

You don't do that. I checked upstairs when we moved, it's real.

And next door, they're humans. Is it the fridge? Are there aliens in my fridge?

I just want to see you, Craig! Cross my hearts.

I've been knocking about on my own. A farewell tour. One last thing, popping in to see you,

then I'm off to the Alignment of Exedor.

The Alignment of Exedor?

17 galaxies in perfect unison. Meant to be spectacular, I can't miss it.

Literally can't. It's locked in a time stasis field, I get one crack

at flying my TARDIS straight into it, if I get my dates right. Which I have. Sounds nice.

So this is me popping in and popping out again. Just being social, just having a laugh.

Never mind that.

Never mind what? Nothing.

No, you noticed something.

You've got your noticing face on. I have nightmares about that face.

Nope, given up all that, done with noticing things.

Didn't even notice that. Got to go. Good seeing you, Craig. Goodbye, Stormageddon.

No, no, wait, wait, could you do the shushing thing? Shhh.

No, it only works once, and only on life forms with underdeveloped brains.

Hang on, you said farewell tour? What do you mean, farewell.

Ssh...

Just go. Stop noticing.

Just go! Stop noticing! Just go. Stop noticing. Just go. Stop it!

Am I noticing? No, no I am not.

And what I am not doing is scanning for electrical fluctuations.

Oh, shut up, you! I'm just dropping in on a friend,

the last thing I need right no is a patina of teleport energy, I'm going. Going! Not staying. Going.

I am through saving them.

I'm going away now.

It goes up-tiddly up, it goes down-tiddly down-down!

For only £49.99, which I think is a bit steep but then again it's your parents' cash and they'll

only waste it on boring stuff like lamps and vegetables, yawn!

Yeah, Soph... Just enjoy your holiday! Yeah, coping.

Nobody panic, but I appear to be losing control.

Yeah, love you.

Oops.

Guys, guys, ladies and gentlemen, while I

deal with this awkward moment you go and find your parents/guardians!

Try in lamps! Craig!

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm the Doctor, I work in a shop now. Here to help.

They gave me a badge with my name on in case I forget who I am, very thoughtful, as that does happen.

You were leaving...

the alignment of Exeter, what about that? One chance to see it, you said.

Well, I was on my way, saw a shop, got a job, you got to live in the moment, Craig.

Mind Yappy. What?

Yappy. The robot dog.

Not so much fun as I remember.

You look awful!

I haven't slept, have I?

I still can't stop him crying. I even tried singing to him last night.

Yeah, he did mention that... he thought you were crying, too.

He didn't get a wink. Yappy, say goodbye to Craig and Stormageddon.

"Goodbye, Craig, goodbye, Stormageddon."

What was that?

You're here for a reason. You noticed something, and you're investigating it.

It's going to be dangerous and alien. It might not be.

Doctor, I live here, I need to know! No, you don't. My baby lives here, my son.

Sheila Clark, went missing Tuesday.

Atif Ghosh, last seen Friday.

Tom Luker, last seen Sunday.

Why's that not on the front page? Page one has an exclusive on Nina,

a local girl who got kicked off Britain's Got Talent.

These people are on pages seven, 19, 22. No-ones noticed, they're far too excited about

Nina's emotional journey, which in fairness, is quite inspiring.

And what else? These funny old power fluctuations... which just happen to coincide with the disappearances.

That's just the council, putting in new cables. Isn't it?

Oh, yes, that's it, mystery solved, oh, wasting my time, now you can go home and I can go to Exedor,

goodbye, and here's a lift.

It says out of order. Not any more. See? Here to help.

It says, "danger".

Oh, rubbish, lifts aren't dangerous.

Do I look like I'm stupid?

Quiet, Stormy!

Oh, all right,

there's more.

Just between you, me and Stormy, don't want to frighten my punters.

Someone's been using a teleport relay, right here in this shop.

Missing people last seen in this area. Before you ask, CCTV's been wiped.

A teleport?

A teleport? Like a beam me up teleport, like you see in Star Trek?

Exactly.

Someone's been using a beam me up Star Trek teleport.

Could be disguised as anything.

But a teleport? In a shop? That's ridiculous!

What was that? Was that the lights again?

Yes, that's it. That's all, it's the lights.

Why did you say that like that? Like what?

Like that, in that high-pitched voice. Just keep looking at me, Craig.

Right at me, just keep looking. Why? Well, because, because, because... I love you.

You love me? Yes, Craig. It's you. It's always been you. Me?

Is that so surprising? Doctor, are you going to kiss me?

Yes, I am. Would you like that? Bit out of practice, but I've had some wonderful feedback.

Doctor, no, I can't, I'm taken... Oh, my God!

Or we could just hold hands if it make you'd feel more comfortable?

What is happening? Well, first of all, I don't really love you, except as a friend.

And what is that?

Quick reverse! What the hell just happened?

They must have linked the teleport relay to the lift, but I've fused it! They can't use that again.

Stuck up there on their spaceship.

What were those things?

Cybermen.

Ship? Space ship? We were in space?

It's got to be up there somewhere, can't get a fix, it must be shielded.

You fused the teleport, they can't come back. I've just bought myself a little time.

Still got to work out what they're doing before I can stop it.

But if they've got the teleport and they're evil, why haven't they invaded already?

Craig... take Alfie and go.

No! No?

No, I remember from last time, people got killed, people that didn't know you.

I know where it's safest, for me and Alfie. And that's right next to you.

Is that so? Yeah, you always win, you always survive!

Those were the days.

I can help you, I'm staying!

Craig...

Craig, all right, all right... maybe those days aren't quite over yet.

Let's go and investigate... I mean, there's no immediate danger now.

Good afternoon, Val. Hello.

Where am I investigating?

Well, look round. Ask questions.

People like it when you're with a baby, babies are sweet, people talk to you.

That's why I usually take a human with me.

So I'm your baby? You're my baby!