44 Inch Chest

"

-No, I can't forget this evening

Or your face as you were leaving

But I guess that's just the way

The story goes

You always smile

" But in uour eues, your sorrow shows "

" Yes, it shows "

"

" No, I can't forget tomorrow "

" When I think of all my sorrow "

" When I had you there "

" But then I let you go "

"

" And now it's only fair that I should let you know "

" What you should know "

"

" Oh "

" I can't live "

" If living is without you "

" I can't live "

" I can't give anymore "

" I can't live "

" If living is without you "

" I can't give "

" I can't give anymore... "

"

" If living is without you... "

"

- And meet Switzerland's very own real, live rock star.

Mmm.

What is this, Archie?

- That? Mulligatawny, king of soups.

Mmm. Nice.

- Put hairs on your chest, that will.

- Panorama's on soon after the news.

David Dimble-bimble-by, your favorite.

Oh, there's my mobilius. Excuse I.

Hello?

Y- y-yeah.

Col?

Just come...

Colin, what's happened?

"

Hello.

Hello, Arch.

Yeah.

Col?

Col?

Come on, mate. You can't lie here forever.

"

- " No, I can't forget this evening "

" Or your face as you were leaving "

" But I guess that's just the way "

" The story goes "

Come on, mate, cheer up.

It might never happen.

Hurry up.

Get in here, Pop.

Tosser.

"

- Oi! Oi! Sit down!

Concentrate on your snails.

Get in, you cunt!

Cuckoldry.

Cuckoldry, terrible word. Terrible thing.

Is he up to it, d'you think?

- Oh, he'll do it. He'll do it.

He'll kill him. He's got to, ain't he?

He just needs a bit more time.

That's all, you know. Get over the shock.

He'll do it. No question.

Well, give him my regards.

Send my condolences.

- Yeah, I will. I will, Bigg.

I'll pass 'em on.

Meredith, eh?

Meredith.

- And Mal and Peanut and me.

Meredith.

How's̶―how's Rosemary, then?

I don't know.

Ask her.

- Hello, Rosemary. How's you, then?

I'm all right, I suppose.

Thanks for asking.

Is he looking after you?

Keeping you in sausages, innit?

Who? This cunt?

You're joking, ain't ya?

He opens another tin of chum, I'm gonna bite his bollocks off.

Charming.

- Well, I'll̶―I'll catch you later, then, Biggu.

Bye, Rose.

Toodle pip.

"

- Fair do's, the guy's hurting,

but fuck me.

- I know. I know. It's mental.

- Shit happens. Deal with it.

How's your hand?

Throbbing like fuck.

He was on the phone to me last night,

hour and a half, woke me up.

Yeah.

Oh, "cunt" this, "cunt" that.

Reckoned he couldn't sleep.

Pissed out of his brains.

Talking a load of cobblers.

He doesn't know where he is.

I been there.

No, not like this, mate,

not like him, not like Colin,

not like Colin Diamond.

Ah, believe me, you should have heard him.

Fucking hell.

On and on, telling me his fucking dreams.

Get this, he's in a phone box,

only it isn't a phone box.

It's her cunt.

It's her what?

- That's right, her cunt, with teeth.

Oh, no-no-no-no, pardon me.

Let's get this right.

Not teeth; dentures.

Dentures.

- That's right. Her cunt's got dentures.

Jesus Christ.

- And they're snapping, clacking at him̶―on him.

Nibbling his arse. Biting his balls.

I mean, I'm trying not to laugh.

I'm knackered.

Half past 3:00 in the morning, hearing all this shit.

Fucking hell.

- Ah, that's right, and it goes on.

It goes̶―a door opens.

In walks a cock.

That's right. You heard.

Yeah, that's right, a cock. In walks a cock.

And it's massive.

It's not his.

Guess whose.

That's right.

Oh, fuck's sake.

Oh, then, yeah― then he's on a plane.

All right, he's having his dinner, club class,

and he's dressed as a clown.

Oh, ueah, big red nose like Ronald fucking McDonald.

And then―

And the waitress comes up the aisle

and starts whacking him in the back of the head.

Oh, you make sense of it, mate.

I mean, it's fucking tragic.

He needs pulling back.

He's on a slippery slope.

Better watch him.

Dressed as a clown?

Yeah, fucking Coco, mate.

Hello.

- Old man Peanut's vodka, innit?

Ah, yeah.

- Taken a sizeable lump out of that lot.

- You can look at me, uou know.

I'm not invisible.

Who said that?

You all right, son?

I'm bearing up.

Archie, I'm bearing up.

- Yeah, well, it's never easy, mate.

Never easy.

Give us a fucking drink.

- Oh, yeah, here you are, mate.

Brandy, doctor's orders.

What you staring at?

You're amongst friends here.

Don't make this more difficult than it already is.

Hear me, Colin?

Look at me.

Go on, mate, be brave.

Yeah.

Well, I got to, ain't I?

That's the stuff.

Yeah, that's the spirit.

Can't believe it.

I still can't believe it.

I just can't fucking believe it.

- Yeah, well, it's unbelievable.

Like a bad dream, innit?

Can't believe it.

- Where's old man fucking Peanut?

I'm fucking here.

That's where he is, cunt.

- Sorry, Pop. We wondered where you was.

Don't "Pop" me.

I'm fucking here.

Well, give us a fucking drink.

- D'you want me to pour it for uou?

Give it here!

Tosser.

How is he, all right?