New Girl

And so, beautiful monkey cracker. Monkey cracker boyfriend.

In Russia, we would strap you to goat

-and see if you live. -

And if you don't live, we eat the goat.

May you die together.

- -Well, that was wonderful.

-Did someone ask her to speak? Okay.

Up next, Nick's two best men,

my husband and Winston Bishop.

- Okay.

Oh, this is gonna be trouble.

Good. Okay, so, uh, Nick and Jess asked the two of us to make a toast

the night before their wedding.

But Schmidty and Winnie don't roll like that.

-Uh-oh. -So why toast…

When we can roast?

This is about to be really funny.

Okay, let's start with Nick. Now, I don't want to say

Nick here is a lazy piece of human garbage

with a flat ass and the writing talents of a brain-dead alcoholic.

- -Because why state the obvious?

Oh, my God.

-Oh. -But in a real way,

Nick sucks as a person, y'all.

That's right. He really does.

But more importantly, his writing… also sucks!

- -You know what they say

you put a thousand monkeys in front of a thousand typewriters…

One of them will be Nick, and he'll probably

be writing The Pepperwood Chronicles.

That's a dumb-ass book.

Maybe this is our fault. We threw this wedding together so fast.

And you did tell 'em to go hard.

I did actually tell them to go "hawd" and to not get "scurred,"

so th-that's where the confusion might be.

-And that brings us to Jess. -Okay.

Beautiful, big-eyed Jess

who could have had any man she wanted in the whole wide world.

-And still can. -And still can.

-She still can. -Run!

Get your ass out. SCHMIDT: Run!

He ain't no good.

-Do you think this is funny? -No.

He's gonna drag you down! That's a loser! Run!

Yep. And he's a piece of doo-doo on top of it.

He won't pleasure you, just himself.

Do I really have to sleep at Schmidt's house tonight?

-He wants to do facials. Run!

I feel like that's not what I think it means,

but I still don't want to do it.

Well, it is tradition to sleep apart the night before the wedding.

So, what does, uh, tradition say about hand stuff?

I'll have to check the book.

-Okay. That's Nick Miller.

-What book? Thank you.

-Okay. -Right there.

-For real, though. -Okay.

Have a lovely evening, you guys. Okay.

-That was good, right? -Yep.

-God, Mom! -I wasn't touching it.

You shouldn't have slept together the night before your wedding.

-It is bad luck. -Oh.

Mom, that's just a stupid superstition.

Oh, it is so not. Your Uncle Elmer

slept with your Aunt Jeanie the night before their wedding.

And they've been married 40 years.

But he's gay. You're playing with fire.

This marriage could be cursed.

Well, if the curse means spending the rest of my life

with the woman I love, then I say bring it on.

Oh, grow up.

-I love you. -Love you, too.

-Also, your wang is out. -It is?

Hey, Jess, I'm gonna take Mario for a little walk.

I'll see you on the other side of the aisle.

I'd ask you for a kiss, but I don't want to mess with the curse.

Well, that curse can kiss my ass, and you can kiss my face.

That's very funny, but the swearing will end when we're married.

-All right. Love you. -Love you.

Have fun.

Honey, you are as beautiful as the day you slid out of me.

No one is gonna be able to take their eyes off you.

You're a vision.

Really? I don't look like a pirate bride?

-No. -No way.

-Never. Mm-mm. -Why are we lying to her?

Not now, Ruth.

Idea. Once I am finished with your hair,

-no one's gonna notice anyway, okay? -Oh!

Nothing that covers my shoulders.

I want to make sure I leave room for the parrot.

It's the curse. I told you.

She slipped in the shower and scratched her cornea on a dog toy.

-That could happen to anyone. Hey.

People on one side of the aisle won't even notice.

-Oh. -Is it that bad?

I just want to check it out.

-It's fine. Oh. -Can I look at it?

Oh, God, I look like a prostitute

from an Old West movie that everybody calls Winks.

Oh, my gosh, I actually arrested a prostitute named Winks once.

-Was she pretty? -She was a good person,

but she had her demons, like we all do.

We don't need to talk about Winks.

Ah… Excuse me.

Mom, what if it is the curse?

What if I cursed my future with Nick?

What if it's all downhill from here?

It's not real, okay, do not let that get into your head.

-Sweetheart, this wedding is a wash. -Oh, my God.

You'll get it right the next time.

-Joan… -Cece.

Tran!

Look at you. You look so good, you heartthrob.

Hey, did you ever think Jess was gonna want to marry me? You did?

Ah, see, I didn't see that.

I just feel like the luckiest guy in the whole world.

That's a very sweet thing to say.

Hey, I'm feeling a little bit antsy.

What's a groom supposed to do on his wedding day?

I said day, not night, you little pervert.

I know what to do in the night.

Oh, my publisher just showed up.

I want to see what he thinks about my new book.

I'm not gonna give him your poems.

I'm not gonna do it. I gave you my opinion on 'em.

There was some racist stuff in there that I didn't dig,

and I don't want my name associated.

I'll give him your poems.

There he is, father of the bride.

I've been told to keep you to three drinks, sir.

Very cute. Almost as cute as the toast that you gave last night.

Let me ask you something as a fan.

When you rhymed Nick's name with a certain body part,

how did you come up with that? I mean, because, come on, brilliant.

Thank you very much for saying that. It means…

He's being sarcastic.

Oh, so now you can read the room.

What the hell are you talking about? We killed it last night.

Yeah, I explained every joke right after I told it.

-Yeah. -You stunk.

Like a, a big wheel of Limburger cheese.

Now, that's comedy. Stay away from me.

Nick, I gotta tell you, Chicago Hobo is some of your best writing.

-You really liked it? -Oh, I loved it.

What a relief.

I had no idea you had such a difficult childhood.

I mean, you've seen a lot of dead dogs.

-Three and thirteen. -Ah.

-So, when are we publishing this? -Oh, no, no, we're not.

Uh, it's too dark for the tween market.

I-I thought you said you re… you really I-liked…

We can sign you up for three more Pepperwoods.

I feel like I'm done with Pepperwood.

That's a great, that's great, that's great.

-See, because he's Jewish… -Okay, yum, yum.

Who's that bear over there?

Don't answer.

The curse?

No.

-Oh… -Hey, I'm just, uh, looking for hairspray.

-What is going on with you? -Nothing. Where's Ruth?

Oh, she's busy guarding the bridal suite.

No boys allowed. Get him, Mario!

You sure you're okay?

Because you seem to be in some pain back there,

like you were in, I don't know, labor.

What? No, my baby loves being in here.

You don't even know.

-All right. -

I'm fine. Get out of here.

-All right. -See ya.

Jess, honey, it's happening.

-What is? -The curse!

How often do you check your mail?

Mom, you know your girl's paperless.

-You're being evicted. -What?

This is from the new management company.

I have to move out in 30 days. Oh, no. Everything's going wrong.

You were right. I cursed us.

-This is a disaster! What do I do? -

-What do I do? Mom! -Shh, shh, shh. Sweetheart,

I know just want you need.

How about you try to relax with a little of the cheeba from Aunt Reeba?

-What? - Marijuana.

It's my wedding day! What? Did you bring that on the plane?

-Yes. -Mom!

Really, just take a small toke. It's not that strong.

It's so weak, they call it Gun Control in America.

Hey, babe. I found the hairspray, and…

Oh, my God, you're in your dress.

Babe, you look so beautiful.

I can't believe you're finally getting married, and…

-Cece! -Hey!

Oh, my God, I am so high.

- Come here. -Mm-hmm.

-I have something to tell you. Come here. -Okay, I'm here. Uh-huh.

Whatever you do, don't tell Cece.

-Mm. -Oh, my God.

Okay, how much of your mom's stuff did you smoke?