Everybody Loves Raymond

I don't know why you make me read them bedtime stories.

All I hear is, "Mommy reads better.

'Sports Illustrated' isn't a book."

I have a thought.

Hey hey, don't get overheated.

Might I suggest that perhaps the reason

for Raymond's unwillingness to share

with the parental responsibilities

is a fear of intimacy,

brought on by his distant and somewhat strained relationship

with his father?

Robert's been seeing Dr. Greenberg every Tuesday.

What, your therapist?

Oh, that's wonderful, Robbie.

How does he do it... push two couches together?

You see, joking is nothing more

than a defense mechanism.

It masks some real problems that certain men have

because they are afraid to get in touch with their feelings.

Hey, Dad, I'm giving Robert the finger in my mind.

Want me to put one up for you?

No, I got it.

Both of you, put those down.

That's okay, Ma.

This is men in a nutshell.

I wish you would take Ray to Dr. Greenberg sometime.

Don't think I wouldn't love to.

Most of my problems stem

from my combative male relationships in the home.

Shut up.

God forbid you should improve as a human being.

Fix your relationship with your brother.

My relationship with him is fine.

What are you bringing this psycho-crapola

into my house for?

It's not crapola!

You're just afraid to look at yourself.

No, I'm afraid to look at you 'cause you're ugly.

You're the ugly one. You're ugly on the inside.

Then go outside!

- You go outside! - It's my house!

I forgot... you don't have a house 'cause you still don't have a life!

What? What?

Oh... listen, I didn't mean it.

Come on.

Come on.

Look,

all right, all right.

Maybe...

I'll go with you tomorrow.

Yes!

I can't wait to hear how it goes.

Me too. Tell me all about it.

Oh, you're going too, Frank.

No, sir.

Oh, yes.

Or I will finally be calling Cousin Bella.

- Don't you threaten me. - Who's cousin Bella?

My cousin Bella happens to be a top psychiatrist.

She's a hideous monster.

For years, she's offered to come up from South Carolina

to stay with us

for some emergency marriage counseling.

I'm gonna call her right now.

Put down that phone.

She's gonna stay with us as long as it takes

to make you a person.

All right!

I'll go with them to the thing.

He's gonna have therapy!

- Dad! - Oh, my gosh, he's going to therapy!

I can't believe it!

Wonderful day! Oh, and Frank,

don't be afraid to let them keep you for observation.

This is so great.

All right, guys, there's a couple of things

I wanna go over before we go inside.

I don't want this to throw you off,

but Dr. Greenberg has a bit of a lazy eye.

Okay?

So when he looks at you, he may not be looking at you.

He may be looking at you.

So you guys know what you wanna start with today?

How much I hate you.

Actually, that's very good.

Don't hold back, Raymond. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Yeah, I actually have something

- I need to get off my chest. - What is it, Dad?

I'm not going in there.

What?

I'm not going in there,

and I would never set foot in some voodoo man's sucker trap...

not for all the tea in China,

nor for all the Chinese waitresses

who bring the tea.

There. I feel better.

Dad, come on. We had a deal.

Hey, look, if he's not going, then I'm not going, all right?

- Let's just get a slice. - Now you're talking.

No, wait. Listen listen. Hey hey.

I'm paying an extra $100 for this session,

and it's two hours, you see,

so you can't go home because the girls will know.

Did you pay him the extra money yet?

No, I'm gonna pay him right now.

You've got 100 extra bucks...

and we've got two free hours?

Ooh, yeah!

This is not what I had in mind.

Oh, no? We're up 500 bucks.

Maybe you should start having that in mind, phone pole.

Yeah, phone pole, 'cause you're big.

All right, that's enough.

Not only did you two lie to the girls,

but you made me lie to the doctor.

Now it's gonna be harder than ever

to look Dr. Greenberg in the eye.

Oh my God, look at this.

We gotta bet this horse.

This is a big horse, a sure thing.

This horse is unstoppable.

"Marie's Mouth."

This is a sign from God.

We're supposed to be here.

I'm in!

I'm way in.

Care for a piece, Robert?

It is a good sign.

So how was therapy?

I gotta tell you,

it was kind of a fulfilling experience.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, isn't this wonderful?

What did you think, Frank?

Well, when you were yanking me into this,

I was, as you know, very skeptical.

But then I got there, and I have to say...

it really paid off.

And I owe it all to Marie's Mouth.

I'm so happy I helped.

To Marie's Mouth!

This is so great!

You mean this guy got through to you guys a little?

I gotta tell you, that Dr. Greenberg,

he's a genius.

Know what? I am really proud of you guys.

So what else did Dr. Greenberg say?

Well... he said that I've actually been in denial

with my feelings towards Robert.

Yeah.

I think I love him now.

This is so sweet.

And we realize how lucky we are to have you guys at home too.

Dr. Greenberg said that our marital companions

can help our situation even further.

Oh, fine with me. How?

Well...

we all have... you know...

tension...

and whatever you can do to alleviate...

you know... Dr. Greenberg said.

I'm happy to help.

Oh, Frank, I can't wait to talk more about this.

I always say

nothing is more important than discussing one's feelings,

and now we can have real discussions.

Yeah.

About that...

Dr. Greenberg advised me to have a cone of silence.

A cone of silence?

Yes, I need a cone of silence...

...around me whenever I feel "Bad Frank" coming on.

He suggested a 10-foot radius.

A little more.

That's good, honey.

Oh, Chi Chi.

I'll do anything if it means you're mentally balanced.

The balance feels good now.

Hello, ladies.

Hey. How are we doing?

We are up like a wedgie on the fat kid at camp.

How much?

Well, my Papa, after five weeks,

we have cleared 1,400 semoles.

Here's to psychotherapy.

What excuse did you give Dr. Greenberg this week?

I didn't even talk to him this week.

I told him I was gonna be working undercover for a while,

and when I came back, I'd have plenty of issues.

What kind of issues?

I told him I had to dress as a woman,

and I had to borrow the outfit from my mother.

- That's perfect. - I know.

If he only knew what a sick bastard you really are.

I know!

So what's gonna be our breakthrough for today?

Let's see.