Accepted

Everyone, have your money ready. We only have so much time.

Okay, say, "Cheers!" Cheers.

Say, "Beer!" Beer!

Say, "Cheers!"

Glen, you got to take that shirt off, pal.

Why?

Hands, you wanna field this one?

Uh, dude, you're getting a fake ID

and you're wearing a shirt that says you're in high school.

So?

Okay, whatever. I'll fix it later.

Just do what you were doing.

Give me some nice cat things.

- B! - Oh, hey, Schrader.

What the hell is going on here?

Relax, pal.

Five percent goes to your favorite charity.

Uh, I forgot to tell you, I borrowed your keys.

You borrowed my keys? Come on.

Well, I needed them. Ow.

We're providing a vital service to America's youth here.

Could we get the next in line, please? No, we're not. Stay there!

We're contributing to the delinquency of minors, B.

Do you know what will happen to me if I get caught?

Every day after eighth period,

Vice Principal Matthews comes in here.

He picks up the women's fitness magazine

and he snaps one off!

Are you serious? Yes.

That is a problem.

Uh, okay, well, we still have the rest of eighth period, right?

So, we'll just pack everybody up and get out of here.

Okay, let's go!

Shit!

Gaines! Gaines! Gaines!

Okay, good, good.

Ah, wonderful! Vice Principal Matthews!

So glad you could join us!

What the hell is this?

It's Glee Club practice, sir.

We're just gettin' ready for Memorial Day. It's a big one for us.

We don't have a Glee Club.

Not yet, we don't, sir.

But as the graduating class, we wanted to leave behind

a legacy that inspires future students

to take initiative rather than spend their time,

I don't know, privately defacing women's fitness magazines.

I mean, I went to read an article

about no carbs and higher reps the other day

and the pages were... You are a rotten egg.

...as if by some natural adhesive. That'll be enough.

I need to cut the pounds

and I can't open the... Stop it!

Whatever does it for... Stop it!

That's all I'm gonna say.

Thank God you're graduating.

I'm the fourth-generation Schrader... Sorry.

to go to Harmon College, okay? Yeah.

I can't do anything to screw that up.

You know, like, I don't know, getting busted for identity fraud.

Look at you. Would you stop, man? Relax.

We're all goin' to college, okay?

This is said by the guy who's been rejected... Hey, B.

...by seven schools.

Hey, I'm creating dramatic tension.

I got a good feeling about number eight! Ugh.

I got in! I got in! I got into Princeton!

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, I think that guy got into Princeton.

Oh, what makes you say that?

I don't know.

Bartleby! Hey.

Hey, how are you, Monica? Hey, how are you?

Good. Do you know Schrader?

No, I don't think so. Oh! Yes! We...

I actually... We had a class.

Oh, yeah.

My shit was all crazy. I sat way behind you.

Yeah. Sorry. I don't remember you, either.

Sorry. It's all right.

Um, anyway, I really wanted to ask you something.

Sure, anything.

Um, you know, I know it's really late,

but, um, last minute and everything,

but prom is coming up soon, you know? It's okay. Yes.

And I'm actually having a party at my house beforehand.

Awesome! And I was wondering

if you'd like to, um... If you could, um...

I'd love to. ...mow our lawn.

Mow your lawn? Yeah.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Yeah. I'm really embarrassed, but, you know,

our mower's broken and my mom was just, like, "Ask Bartleby!"

That's cool!

I... Yeah. Tell your mother I would love to mow the lawn. Really?

Of course.

Thank you so much. Yeah, sure.

Thank you. Hey, babe! Hey, yo, Monica! Come on!

Sorry, I got to go.

But thank you, again. Yeah, s-sure.

You're really helping us out. Oh, great to see you.

And, hey, it was nice to meet, um, see you. Talk to you.

Yes, yes. It was... It was so nice catching up with you.

Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye. B-Bye, Monica.

Hey, I'm sorry to keep you waiting, baby.

Hoyt Ambrose. Hoyt!

Hoyt Ambrose. What's that guy got that I don't have?

I just need to get a car.

And classic good looks.

"I regret..."

I can't believe I didn't get into State!

I wasn't even aiming high with that one.

That was my fallback!

It was my safety school, my fail-safe!

Maybe you're just too average.

Hey, time out.

Too average?

Okay. Okay. Excuse me, Lizzie.

R-R-Remember who you're talkin' to here.

I didn't have to go to gym class for a whole year

'cause I claimed to be allergic to sweat.

Or what about the time I got the note from my doctor saying I was nocturnal

and I was allowed to study in my dreams?

I got the school bully, Frank Daley, kicked out for two years

because he was sexually harassing me

by pushing me up against the locker and I said I felt something.

I mean, come on. That was pure genius.

Maybe if you didn't write an essay called "I Don't Have a Clue."

Well, it's true. You know?

I don't have a clue what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Mom and Dad are gonna kill you.

O ye of little faith.

They're not gonna kill me. Uh-huh.

I just have to spin it

and put it in terms they can understand.

I don't understand.

I don't understand, either.

Okay, I figure it like this.

The average cost of college is, what, $20,000 a year?

Now, according to these estimates that I got off the Web...

You can pass those around.

Someone with no education beyond high school

can expect to make about $20,000 a year in the current job market.

Now, that being said, over the next four years,

you could either spend $80,000

or I could make $80,000.

Are you saying you don't want to go to college?

No. I'm saying that it is fiscally irresponsible

for me to go to college. You know?

Are you huffing? Oh, God. No.

Are you high? You're huffing grass?

No. I'm not huffing, Mom. I'm not stoned. I'm completely fine.

In fact, I'm more clear and level-headed than I've ever been.

Okay, cut the crap, Bartleby.

Society has rules.

And the first rule is you go to college. Mmm-hmm.

You want to have a happy and successful life? You go to college.

If you want to be somebody, you go to college.

If you want to fit in, you go to college.

Well, you know what? Maybe I didn't get into college.

What do you mean?

I didn't get accepted anywhere.

Oh, Bartleby.

Damn it.

I knew he should've started preparing for college in junior high

like his sister.

Now, she's got a shot. I've got a shot.

She's got a shot. Listen, guys.

There are plenty of successful people who didn't go to college.

Albert Einstein, you know.

Pocahontas never went to college.

Corey Feldman and Corey Haim.

They had a great run.

Both Lewis and Clark.

Suzanne Somers. Bono.

I need to go check on the cobbler.

"Check the cobbler." Glug, glug, glug.

You know, I really don't care what Sonny Bono did or didn't do.

You're goin' to college.

I told you so.

You were adopted.

Everyone,

I would like to propose a toast to our graduates.

To the Class of 2006,

may the next four years of college

be the best years of your life.

Hear, hear. Mom.

Hey. Hey, man, what's up?

What's up, B? How you doin'? What's up?

Dude, I swear, if one more person tells me

how excited they are to go to college, I'm gonna lose it.

Oh, man, I heard about the scholarship.

That's insane. You're one of the best receivers in the state.

Uh, the best. And, uh, no knee, no football, man.

That sucks. What are you gonna do now?

I have no idea.

That makes two of us, pal.

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

Hey, Rory. What's goin' on? Oh, hey. What? Fine. Nothing.

Um, I... I didn't get into Yale.