The Freak Brothers

I say we gut this wall and go with a floor-to-ceiling window.

Keep talking about ways to maximize natural light,

and we'll have to take this party upstairs.

Sounds great. Maybe we can have a three-way

with my blinding period migraine.

I'll try anything once.

- What the hell are you doing? - Shut the door!

The cold breeze ain't helping me cross the goal line!

Oh, my God. Is that my new robe?

- Not anymore! - Jesus Christ!

- Stop jerking off. - Say that again, but angrier.

Touchdown!

So what's with the hard hats?

We're tearing down this shack, you vile, disgusting degenerate.

Harper, if you keep yelling at me with that domineering, degrading tone,

I'm gonna climax again.

Anyway, we're gonna replace the old hut with a new structure.

- I prefer a dojo. - No, it will be a she-shed.

Where I can do meditation and yoga.

Ain't nobody touching this whack shack.

Freaks, assemble!

We smoking?

These savages wanna knock down our whack shack

and put up a meditation and yogurt store.

Listen, we don't ask a lot.

But this here structure has a tremendous amount

of sentimental and nostalgic value.

And it's where we pull our puds.

It's not just a diddle den.

It's also where I taught Freddy to make mac and cheese.

That was a rough six months.

This orgasmic oasis means a lot to us.

I never knew that.

Demolition starts on Thursday, fuckers.

This isn't over, you heartless land baron!

I believe this is yours.

Three brothers puffin'

And we just woke up in year 2020.

Roll another J and forget the day,

Roll another J and get high,

Roll another J and forget the day,

Me and my brothers getting fried.

Hey, Gretch, can I ask you a favor?

- Make it quick, Franklin. I'm busy. - Whoa, boy.

I inherited two things from my pappy.

One, keen sense of when a gal's still mad at me,

and the other, alcoholism.

What do you want, Franklin?

It's about a beloved structure.

Did she tell you how to save our masturbation shack?

That better be your belt buckle up my ass.

Jesus! If you go to City Hall, the mayor can issue an injunction

if the structure has historical significance.

You want significance? I'll show you significance!

I once jerked my joystick so many times

I wrote a book of jokes about it! In fact...

If you would like to hear Phineas' book of splooze jokes

read by Stellan Skarsgard, please log on

Now back to our show.

It was a number-one bestseller.

Gretch, sure appreciate you helping us out.

I guess this means you may have buried the proverbial hatchet.

That's racist, and we haven't.

Let's go, fellas.

I'll meet you guys at the mayor's office.

I gots to go peepee.

There it is!

What the...

Hello!

- What the fuck is going on? - Not much.

- What's going on with you? - You look familiar.

Do I know you?

Ellen DeGeneres, Emmy-winning talk show host

who's adored by millions.

Then why are you here, eyeing my root chute?

I got myself a little canceled

by treating everyone who worked for me like a stinky turd.

I'm in a bit of a rush, ma'am.

But if you're looking for a crap house hookup...

No, no, no!

When it comes to man-meat, I'm a strict vegetarian,

or pescatarian if you're into fishy vagina jokes.

Anyway, I love show biz,

and I wanna keep a toe in the game,

so now I'm a cock scout.

Now it's starting to get weird.

I scout dong for the movie industry,

and that third leg of yours is as long

as Rosie O'Donnell's pussy is fat.

- Balls against the heel, please. - Sorry, my bad.

You're an 11 1/2. I'm gonna go 12, just to be safe.

You know, I once performed and filmed erotica.

But there is no way I'm jumping back on that bull again.

This isn't porn. It's a studio picture starring Timothee Chalamet.

What the hell does that girly guy have to do with my johnson?

Timothee's in town to shoot a superhero movie

with a lot of nudity. Working title: "Iron Hog".

I'd see that.

Timothee wants to do a full-frontal

'cause he knows that's what wins an Oscar.

But his penis...

It looks like a piece of beef jerky been left out in the rain.

Yeah, it's a mess.

He took 40 tabs of ecstasy and fucked a car wash vacuum.

Anyway, since Chalamet's tool looks like a melted plum,

he needs a cock double. What do you say?

I say I'm not looking for employment at the present decade.

Well, call if you change your mind.

If an assistant answers the phone crying,

you know you got the right number.

Yo, Freddy, how come we never take Christmas photos, huh?

Yo, freak dudes. The mayor will see you in a minute.

Chuck and Charlie? You guys work for John Mayer?

We're Mayor Pimko's chiefs of staffs,

our chance to change the world.

Just fucking with you.

We get access to the city's confiscated drug room.

We got a stroke shack that needs a historical landmark sticker.

Well, only our wise and exalted leader can hand those out.

I am Spider-Man, bitches.

What the fuck? I gotta lay off the breakfast shrooms.

The mayor gave a tax break to the new Chalamet movie,

and in return, the studios offered him a Spider-Man cameo.

Very inclusive.

We're gonna roll him off a building.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man,

does whatever a quadriplegic with one working finger can.

Call Dr. Goldfarb, you fucking idiots.

He's the hero we deserve.

Mr. Mayor, my colleagues and friends' cat

come to you with the urgent matter of saving a beloved masturbatorium.

What is in it for me?

Well, we can offer you a lifetime membership

in the Whack of the Week Club.

I prefer glory holes. Give me cash.

- Are you suggesting a bribe? - Are you wearing a wire?

- No. - Then yes.

Mr. Mayor, I'm offended.

What you're suggesting is political corruption at its worst.

Pay up or fuck off. Feeding time.

Sorry, dudes. You gotta go.

Today, His Highness will be having steak au poivre,

lightly braised bok choy, and a Beaujolais '92.

Get it down, Mr. Mayor.

Dudes, if you want your injunction,

you gotta be on, like, Indian burial grounds.

Or an endangered species has to live there.

- Gentlemen, let's go bury an Injun. - Or catch a dinosaur.

We have two great options.

Just wanted to thank you for steering our posse

in the mayor's direction.

Say, could I maybe take you out for an adult beverage?

I don't think I'm there yet, Franklin.

I wanna hear this.

And stars Hollywood heartthrob Timothee Chalamet.

I don't know. I'm just a regular kid

who wears blazers with no shirt

and spells Timothee with two E's and an accent

over the first E, just like the next guy.

Oh, my God. I love Timothee.

That twig boy? I know him.

Wait you, like, know know him?

He'd be the perfect celebrity to shine a light on the pink tax.

Women pay more for everyday items like razor blades and stool softeners.

Don't forget tampons.

Those gotta be expensive, all the work they do.

Can you make an introduction?

Well, I guess there is a long, slightly curved path to that intro.

Oh, my God, Franklin. That'd be amazing.

I'm honored to be showing more male nudity on screen.

People are gonna be, like, so impressed by what they see.

I'm talking about my dick, fam!

Saddle up, Frank Jr. We're going back to the show.

I knew you'd call. The extra veiny ones always do.

Say, would it be okay if I invited a friend to the set?

Sure, but no one can know you're Chalamet's dingus double.

You signed an NDA. Violate it, and you'll be killed.

I mean, you could go to jail, fucker. Be kind.

Well, what the hell do I tell people I do?

You don't say anything.

You cram yourself into the bottom of this costume

and stick your King Kong ding dong out of that hole.

How am I supposed to breathe?

Through your dick, like the Hemsworth boys.

Is this him? The kickstand cowboy!

Bring it in, bruh.

Hey, your nipples are cold.

Thank you. I'm honored that you noticed.

I ice them. Dame Judi Dench gave me that tip.

Oh, man! Look at me, spilling tea.

I'm such a bitch.

Well, let's see Herman.

Show Timmy Tim your meat hammer.

Jeez. Buy a fella a drink first.

My heart is literally racing. Feel it.

We're gonna win an Oscar together.

He can stir paint and hit a wiffle ball,

but he don't talk.

So what's Pachanga mean in English?

"Take whitey's money"? I kid, I kid.