What Happens in Vegas... (What Happens in Vegas)

Do I attract you? Do I repuIse you with my queasy smiIe?

Am I too dirty? Am I too fIirty?

Do I Iike what you Iike? Why don't you Iike me?

Why don't you Iike me Without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly

But aII her Iooks were too sad

So I try a little Freddie

I've gone identity mad!

I couId be brown I couId be bIue

Gotta be everything more

Why don't you Iike me? Why don't you Iike me?

Why don't you waIk out the door?

-Here you go, sweetie. -Oh, thanks.

I tried banana nut sprout this morning.

Thought, you know, a little change of pace,

thought somebody deserves something special for his birthday.

Yeah. It's good.

Okay, so I made reservations tonight at Babbo at 8:30.

I thought maybe we could talk about, you know, setting a date?

Did you just make a plan to make a plan?

-Did I just do that again? -Yeah, you did.

-Sorry. -It's all right.

All right, I'll see you later, okay?

-Hey, hey, hey! Love you. -Love you, too.

-Bye. -Bye.

-Happy birthday! -You, too!

Hello, sir. Would you like to buy some cookies?

I would. I really would. I just. . .

Unfortunately, I don't have any money.

I don't have any cookies.

Jack?

I need a key.

Wow .

Wow. That. . .

A key?

What? No! I want a key.

Like an actual key to your apartment so I don't have to wait outside

when I'm dressed in these little slutty outfits.

I don't want to live with you.

No offense.

And you know I mean this in the nicest possible way.

You're not exactly serious boyfriend/marriage material.

And I pride myself on that.

I gotta go. I'll see you next week. What're we doing?

Mother of the baby saved from the fire and the sexy shirtless fireman?

I couId be brown I couId be bIue

I couId be vioIet sky

I couId be hurtfuI I couId be purpIe

I couId be anything you Iike

Gotta be green Gotta be mean

Gotta be everything more

Why don't you Iike me? Why don't you Iike me?

Why don't you waIk out the door?

I couId be brown I couId be bIue

Gotta be everything more

Why don't you Iike me? Why don't you Iike me?

Why don't you waIk out the door?

-McNally. -Chong.

Not now.

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey! Here we go! Yeah ! That's looking good ! All right!

That's good form right there. Let's keep that up, huh?

That's a beautiful veneer. Just throw that on the edge-band and we're set.

-All right! -Hey, Jack?

-Do you know what time it is? -What? I can't hear you over the saw.

We're in the zone over here. I don't want to lose focus.

That's how people lose fingers, huh?

-You're fired. -All right. We are fired up, boys!

You are fired !

All right.

I'll play you for it. You win, I'm out.

I win. I get a second chance.

It's not a second chance when you've had a hundred of them.

Oh ! Nine-seven ! Keeping my job! Yeah !

Okay. All right.

-I'll give you one. -Do you know what?

You're supposed to be the future boss,

but you're too busy being the life of the party.

At some point, you're gonna have to step up and be a man.

-Eight-nine! Unemployment! -Okay, man. You want to play?

Nine-nine! Food stamps! Tastes so good.

-Okay, that's not even a shot. -The boss got game! The boss got game!

Ten-nine. This is it, Jack.

-You know what? This is ridiculous. -You know what? That's your problem.

You can't handle the pressure. As soon as you think you're going to lose, you quit.

Game over, Jack.

Don't get me wrong. You're like a son to me.

-Dad, I am your son. -Yeah, and it's time to cut the cord.

Let's go clean out your desk.

Mason has no idea, not an idea at all.

-That you're pathetic, or. . . -What, do you think I went overboard?

No. No, I think it's the exact right amount of board.

Which is what I am right now. Can we start drinking?

Of course. Okay, lookit! These are for Mason.

What's that?

Vegas? I thought you hated Vegas.

I do, but, you know, that's why they call it a gift tip,

-because it truly is selfless. -Oh, thanks.

Okay, everyone listen ! I'm going to bring him in,

I'm gonna turn on the lights, and that's when you yell, "Surprise!"

Oh, that's how a surprise party works! I'm totally gonna write that down.

Okay. Everyone, hide! Hide, hide, hide!

-Hi, sweetie! -Hey!

Welcome home. Happy birthday. Okay, come inside. . .

-Listen, Joy. We need to talk. -Okay. Well, let's do it inside. Okay?

No, no, no. I can't, or I'll never do this.

Look, there's no easy way to say this.

Okay, then don't. Okay? Just think it,

and then later, I'll try to figure out what it was you were thinking.

Okay? Let's just go inside.

No, no, no, no, no, no! This can't wait, Joy.

You know I have a really important job.

-Right? -Yeah.

So when I come home, I want this place to be an escape.

And as of late, it's not.

Yes, the sex is great, okay? I mean, that's fantastic,

and I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the things you've been trying

with my balls.

But the rest is so exhausting.

You're so on all the time, with all the scheduling and planning, it's just. . .

I don't want to marry you, Joy.

I'm leaving you.

Well, I mean, this is my place, so technically, you would be the one

that has to leave, but. . . Are you crying?

Surprise.

-Oh, shitballs. -Yeah.

Hey!

Hey. Here. . .

Do you have any idea how much money I've made him?

You're my lawyer. Can I sue him for something?

Well, the problem with suing your father is that he's your dad.

He'd love it. He'd think we were bonding.

Maybe he would be! You don't know. Take him to court. It might be nice.

-What am I gonna do about money? -You're just realizing that right now?

-Fascinating. -I could do a lot of things for money.

I'm good at stuff.

I'll bet you $5 I can finish this beer faster than you.

Really? You're on.

He doesn't even deserve me.

Here's my thought on what we should do with this whole Mason thing.

-Okay. -Once a week,

we get some of my brother's loser-ass friends

to go over to Mason's house, ring his doorbell,

and when he answers, they're just gonna, bang,

junkpunch him right up in his man business

and then he's gonna keel over.

While he's writhing on the ground screaming, "Why?"

they'll go, "You know why!"

Wow! Did you just think of that?

No, I was thinking about it a lot on the way over.

You are a child !

-What is that? What is that? -Double or nothing.

Joy, you're gonna need to take off this ring.

No, I. . . I'm just. . . I'm just gonna. . .

I'm just going to wear it on the other hand.

You're on fire. Man, you are on fire.

This is like. . . I mean, you're lucky.

-I don't feel good. -We need to capitalize on this.

You know what's gonna make you feel better?

What?

Where's the one place where you can step up and be a man?

Community college?

Where can you go where you can forget all your troubles

and act like a total idiot?

I am talking about one place and one place only, my friend.

Do not say Vegas.

Please say Vegas.

-Vegas, baby. -Vegas?

-Las Vegas? -What?

Swish it around in your mouth a little bit. Think about it.

-Vegas! -Vegas.

-Carefree. -Say it like you mean it.

-Spontaneous. -I can't hear you !

-Vegas! -Vegas?

-Vegas! -Vegas!

Hello, Las Vegas!

Wow .

Vegas.

Everyone, I'm so sorry, but our computers are down right now,

so just bear with us, please. I'm sorry. I know.

Okay, your fiancé is one lucky guy.

I love Vegas!

Time to get a big-boy drink.

I'll have a vodka and a Scotch.

This is where I'm passing out. Pants, you're out of here.

Did we ever tell you you scream like a girl?

My eyes! It burns!

My head ! My head and my eyes are burning !

My back!

My nose! My nose now!

Whoa! Whoa! Take it easy!

It's okay! It's okay! They're gay!

-What? -They're gay!

This. . . No, no, this is not what it looks like.

We just. . . We all got booked in the same room.

Let's just go downstairs. I smell an upgrade!

-You guys aren't gay? -No.