Nobody's Baby

POLICE! POLICE! FREEZE!

PUT YOUR HANDS UP!

DON'T MOVE!

ON YOUR FACE, MOTHERFUCKER!

- HEY, LET'S GO! - HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK!

HEY! DON'T GO POSTAL ON US!

BILLY RAEDEEN?

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?

- SOMETHING AMUSE YOU, MR. RAEDEEN? - NO, SIR.

YOU'VE BEEN CAUGHT IN THE COMMISSION OF A FEDERAL CRIME,

PUNISHABLE TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?

- NO, BUT IF I COULD EXPLAIN-- - YOUR ARREST RECORD SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.

IT STARTS AT AGE NINE, WITH CAR THEFT.

"BACKHOE," SIR.

- I KEEP TRYING TO CORRECT THAT. - WAS IT STOLEN?

NO, THE KEYS WERE IN IT.

LIKE THE LIQUOR STORE IN '83?

THE BUICK SKYLARK IN '84?

THE K-MART IN '86, THE MOTORCYCLE IN '88,

THE PHARMACY IN '89, NOT TO MENTION

WHAT LOOKS LIKE DOZENS OF DRUG POSSESSION,

PUBLIC VAGRANCY CHARGES,

TOPPED OFF BY BREAKING AND ENTERING

A UNITED STATES POST OFFICE LAST NIGHT?

- WE DID HAVE THE KEYS. - I CAN VOUCH FOR THAT!

- AND WE DID NOT STEAL NOTHIN'. - NOPE.

- WHO IS THIS MAN? - WE WAS READIN' THE MAIL.

- QUIET! - STEP FORWARD.

ME?

BUFORD DILL? ALIAS BUFORD HILL?

ALIAS...

- MEYER GOTTNICH? -

NO, NO, NO, SIR.

I WAS TRYING TO SAY, "MY, I GOT AN ITCH."

A RECTAL-- RECTAL SITUATION, SIR.

QUITE ACUTE. GOT A PRESCRIPTION DRUG.

- IS THIS MAN SOBER? - AS A JUDGE, YOUR HONOR.

Bailiff: QUIET!

SEE, YOUR HONOR, MY FRIEND HERE WORKS AS A MAIL CARRIER,

AND HE COME ACROSS THIS PHOTO OF A BULLDOG IN A WEDDING DRESS.

WE HAD A COUPLE OF BEERS,

A COUPLE, AND WE GOT CURIOUS.

GOD IS MY WITNESS, YOUR HONOR...

IT LOOKED LIKE...

THE UGLIEST BRIDE! EVERY MAN'S NIGHTMARE.

MY WIFE COME, BY THE WAY? TESS?

- DID YOU CALL HER? - WE DID, YOUR HONOR.

AND WHAT SHE SAY?

- WITH THE COURT'S PERMISSION? - AND?

- SHE SAID, "SCREW HIM." -

OUT OF 27 ARRESTS BETWEEN YOU,

19 HAVE BEEN TOGETHER, AND I'M PUTTING AN END TO IT.

I'M RECOMMENDING 10-YEAR MINIMUM SENTENCES

IN SEPARATE FACILITIES

AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE STATE,

ANY PRECONDITION FOR PAROLE BEING

THAT YOU NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO MAKE A STATEMENT. YOU HAVE ONE?

I TOOK CARE OF HIM ALL HIS LIFE.

YOU'VE DONE A PISS-POOR JOB OF IT.

HE'S A LOSER, JUST LIKE YOU,

WHO'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING MORE

THAN A BURDEN TO THE DECENT, HARDWORKING TAXPAYERS OF THIS STATE.

YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?

JUST THAT YOU'RE WRONG, SIR.

I WILL AMOUNT TO SOMETHING.

NOT ME.

I'LL BE LIKE YOU SAID.

GET THEM OUT OF HERE.

"SCREW HIM!"

- WHAT DID YOU SAY? - SCREW HIM!

MAYBE I OUGHTA STUFF THAT LAUGH DOWN YOUR THROAT.

- WHAT? - BUE, WE'RE IN ENOUGH TROUBLE.

- I AIN'T HAVING NO INDIAN MAKING FUN OF MY WIFE. - SHE AIN'T EVEN YOUR WIFE.

- YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? - THAT'S MIGHTY GREAT,

SEEING AS BOTH MY HANDS IS TIED UP IN CHAINS.

HEY, HEY!

- HEY, GET OFF HIM! - TAKE THE KEYS!

GET THE KEYS! THE KEYS!

- GET THE KEYS! - IN THE VAN!

GET IN THE VAN!

WHOA!

Billy: KEYS! KEYS!

BUE, HERE! HERE!

COME ON, BUE! GET THEM, BUE!

- COME ON, COME ON! - I'M COMING!

I'M TIED UP, MAN!

BILLY, CACTUS PIE!

CACTUS PIE!

- - BUE!

- BUE! - CACTUS PIE!

- CACTUS PIE?! - YEAH!

Billy's voice: DEAR LITTLE LOOZY,

I'M WRITING A LETTER TO YOU IN MY MIND,

WHICH I WILL MEMORIZE

UNTIL I FIND SOME PAPER TO WRITE IT DOWN ON.

I'VE WRITTEN MANY SUCH LETTERS IN THE PAST,

WHICH ARE FILED AWAY IN MY MIND,

TO BE SUMMONED UP WORD FOR WORD,

WRITTEN DOWN ON PAPER, AND MAILED

TO THE APPROPRIATE PERSON, AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME.

IT'S CALLED A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY,

AND TO THIS POINT IT'S FAILED ME COMPLETELY.

BUT THIS LETTER I'LL REMEMBER

BECAUSE IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE.

IT'LL EXPLAIN YOUR ORIGINS ON THIS PLANET EARTH.

- WHO I WAS WHEN WE FIRST MET, -

AND HOW EVERYTHING CAME TO BE.

HEY!

CAN YOU FIX A TIRE? I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE.

WHERE YA HEADED?

YOU SURE YOU GOT ROOM?

ONE HAND WASHES THE OTHER, PAL.

THIS ONE OPENS THE TRUNK.

- HEY! - DON'T LET NOTHING FALL OUT OF THERE.

I'M DEDUCTING 10 MILES FOR EVERYTHING OUT OF PLACE.

HERE YA GO!

- BYE-BYE! - HEY!

IT'S A STORY ABOUT FATE, DEAR ONE.

HOW NO ONE CAN OUTRUN IT.

LIKE THE DOG ONCE SAID, "YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR GROUND,

BUT YOU CAN'T CHANGE YOUR SKY."

THOUGH I HADN'T MET THE DOG YET, HE WAS RIGHT.

'CAUSE THAT NIGHT THE GROUND WAS MOVING FAST BENEATH ME,

BUT THE SKY WAS STANDING STILL.

I ALSO SHARED A DREAM WITH BUFORD THAT NIGHT,

LIKE I HAD ON OCCASION OVER THE MANY YEARS

WE SHARED A JAIL CELL.

I KNEW IT WAS HIS DREAM BECAUSE THE WOMAN IN IT WAS TESS,

LIKE HE ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT HER--

NAKED.

- HEY! -

HEY, CALL THE POLICE! CALL THE AMBULANCE!

- GET OUT! - I'M OUTTA HERE! I'M NOT INSURED.

- CALL SOMEBODY! - FORGET IT!

OH SHIT! HEY!

- - OH LORDIE, THIS IS BAD!

HEY, LITTLE GUY. I'M BILLY.

LET'S GET YOU OUT OF HERE, HUH?

OH!

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, MA'AM.

WE'RE GONNA GET YOU OUTTA HERE.

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD, BUT IT'S GONNA--

IT'S GONNA GET JUST A LITTLE BIT WORSE.

WOULD YOU WAIT HERE, PLEASE?

BYE, MA'AM.

Billy's voice: BUFORD WOULD LATER SAY MY ASS WAS A LETHAL WEAPON.

I MOONED A FAMILY AND...

MOMENTS LATER, THEY WERE DEAD.

JESUS, KID!

I SOON LEARNED THAT MY ASS WASN'T THE ONLY LETHAL WEAPON.

OH, THAT'S NASTY.

DON'T YOU SHIT IN MY MEGADETH.

ONE OF THE THINGS ABOUT THAT NIGHT WAS

IT WASN'T THE FIRST NIGHT I'VE BEEN SHIT OUT OF LUCK,

HUNGRY, COLD, WET, AND ALONE.

NOW, NOW,

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S JUST WILE E. COYOTE.