South Park

Boy, that was a hoot and a holler.

Did you like that, South Parketeers?

children: You bet! - Well, great.

Then you're gonna love this next episode.

It's our favorite.

It's called "Tom's Rhinoplasty."

In it, Mr. Garrison gets a nose job,

a substitute teacher comes to South Park,

and our boys learn how to lick carpet.

You know, South Parketeers,

the reason that this episode is our favorite

is because we got Natasha Henstridge

to be the voice of the substitute teacher.

Natasha Henstridge was that actress in the movie "Species,"

and we loved her acting.

In fact, Matt and I used to freeze-frame

a lot of her acting from that movie on the VCR

and play with ourselves.

Then we'd play a little game called I'm Natasha Henstridge,

in which I'd close my eyes

and pretend that Matt was Natasha Henstridge.

Then Matt would close his eyes

and pretend that I was Natasha Henstridge.

But, kids, remember:

If you want to play I'm Natasha Henstridge with your friends,

play it safe.

Oh! Oh, look, it's our Indian friend,

Indian Companion.

Say hi, kids. Say hi to Indian Companion.

children: Hi!

What's happening, Indian Companion?

Someone coming?

Someone coming. - Someone coming.

Someone coming, great. Thank you.

Thanks, bud. - Thanks so much.

Why don't you go build a teepee there, buddy?

I think you'll be Natasha Henstridge tonight.

Anyway, why don't we all sit back, relax,

and have a rootin'-tootin' good time

with "Tom's Rhinoplasty"?

Yeehaw!

Ready?

children: Hooray!

Stan, you know it's almost Valentine's Day.

I know.

Maybe we should go on a cruise or something.

I can't afford a cruise, dude.

I know, but we can make a little boat out of cardboard

and pretend it's a cruise!

Shut up, Cartman!

That is so lame!

And then we could dress up in little costumes

and pretend we're getting married.

Stop this!

You're killing me over here!

Children, I have some difficult news for you.

Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while.

He has to have surgery!

So you're going to have a substitute teacher!

And I want you to show the substitute

the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison.

Yes, little boy?

We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison.

Oh. Anyhoo, I want you all to meet your new substitute,

Miss Ellen.

Hello, children.

Whoa! - Whoa!

Wow, she's pretty.

You can say that again.

Good luck, Miss Ellen.

If they get out of control,

just use this tear gas, okay?

Thank you.

I'm sure I'll be fine.

Now, children, I know that you must be very upset

about your teacher having surgery,

but I promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible

for all of us.

Stan?

Stan!

Now let me try and learn your names

by your seating assignments.

You are Eric Cartman?

Yes, ma'am!

Okay, and you must be Stan Marsh!

Do you need to go to the nurse's office, Stanley?

No, he always pukes when he's in love.

I'll kick your ass, Cartman!

So you're all right?

Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh?

I have to admit I'm still embarrassed

about getting a nose job, Tom.

I didn't want people at school to know,

so I told them I had herpes.

You shouldn't be embarrassed, Mr. Garrison.

People have cosmetic surgery all the time.

Before we start, this computer can help you

pick what kind of nose you want.

Wow! Isn't that amazing, Mr. Hat?

It sure is, Mr. Garrison!

Now, we could go with something a little smaller,

which would make you look like this.

Hmm...

Or we could straighten out the bridge,

which would make you look like this.

Oh, that's not bad.

Of course, we could narrow the bridge,

which would make you look more like this.

Wow! That's it!

That's the nose I want!

All righty, then.

Now, I must warn you, Mr. Garrison,

that there are risks.

You could wind up a hideous, foul, shadow of a creature,

so terrifyingly ugly

that you are forced to live in the sewers,

only emerging at night to hunt for scraps of food.

I can live with that.

All righty, then, let's get started!

She wasn't looking at you, butt-lord,

she was looking at me!

Well, that goes without saying, fat-ass.

How could she help but look at you?

You guys can stop fighting. It was me she was checking out.

Until you puked on her.

Hello there, children.

What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?

Miss Ellen, dude. She's beautiful!

Is she like a Vanessa Williams beautiful,

or a Toni Braxton beautiful?

Or Pamela Anderson beautiful?

Or is she Erin Gray

in the second season of "Buck Rogers" beautiful?

Yeah, that one! - Whoo!

I gotta meet this woman.

Stan, didn't you notice how her left arm

is longer than the right one?

No. - Well, it is!

That's okay, you know what they say

about women with one arm longer than the other.

That's right.

Well, did you notice that mole on the back of her neck

with the hair growing out of it?

That's okay, you know what they say

about women with a mole on the back of their necks

with hair growin' out of it.

Stan, we're still valentines, right?

Sure, Wendy, whatever.

Hey, we should buy Miss Ellen Valentine's Day presents.

Yeah, we'll go to the mall tonight.

I'm gonna buy her a vacuum cleaner.

Chicks like vacuum cleaners!

Oh, goodness.

Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers after class?

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!

You guys are so immature!

Act like eight-year-olds!

Stan, how 'bout you?

I'd love to!

Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables.

Cartman?

What's a multiplication table?

Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication?

Well, where did he leave off?

We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth

is going out with that Richard Grieco guy

that used to be on "21 Jump Street"

but then he got his own show for just a little while.

Oh, hello.

Can I help you?

I'm Chef. - And?