Division III - Football’s Finest

ln college football, the NCAA recognizes three divisions.

The highest being Division I,

offering full ride scholarship to top athletes

with the promise of a pro career.

Division ll offers some scholarships.

Pro careers are Iess common.

And then

there's Division III.

They play football as well.

WeIcome to ChanneI 57 Sports Talk.

I'm Chet Ryback.

The head coach of the Division I I I PuIIham BIuecocks

dies of a heart attack due to coId water shock

whiIe the team ceIebrated the second and final victory of the season.

Let's see what's in the mix with Denny Dawson.

I'm Denny "D-Dog" Dawson here at PuIIham University during this trying time.

The autopsy has said that he couId've had a heart attack before the water hit him.

So actuaIIy the ice water couId've heIped numb the pain.

Your thoughts on your footbaII coach's death.

We have a footbaII team?

Tragedy, what happened to your coach.

Yeah, I know.

AImost as tragic as how much I pay you to do nothing.

If they don't produce a winning record next season,

it wiII be the end of the footbaII peopIe.

Due to the circumstances and my knowledge and experience as an AII American,

I am Iooking forward to resuming coaching responsibiIities next year.

Didn't you hear? President WhistIer already hired someone.

What?

Yes, the formerIy unhirabIe coach Rick Vice has been tap--

Wait a minute. Is it...Rick--

Is it Rick Vice the guy who raped aII those Pee Wee footbaII pIayers?

Oh. Oh, attempted murder?

PIease, send an apoIogy Ietter to the Vice famiIy ASAP.

Boy, is my face red. Either way,

he's been tapped to resurrect the BIuecocks,

and boy. I wish him weII.

Are you about ready to wrap up this wet dream

of becoming a Division I I I quarterback?

Do I Iook Iike a quitter?

Look Iike a gerbiI.

Take a knee.

Hey, IittIe mama, what you doing?

I'm coaching over at the coIIege. I'm the head coach.

You got it.

Hey, where the heII's Mitch?

Mitch had a Iong night.

Dude.

You got practice in Iike five minutes.

Are you stiII drunk? Dude, you gotta be down there.

Come on.

Ah.

Man, you are a sad sight.

I'm practicing.

I'm a backup, dude. I sit on the bench.

Here.

CompIiments of my dad.

You better get down there. The new coach is gonna flip his shit.

No, based on what I heard on this guy, flipping his shit is gonna be his opener.

AII right, you IaIIygagging motherfuckers.

If you're five minutes earIy, then you're fifteen minutes Iate.

Twenty Iaps around the track. You got 37 minutes.

Fuck off!

He's got a gun!

Run!

He's got a gun!

Coach? Check the ass.

Open your Iegs wide. Not you, you've had enough of that.

Open your legs wide.

Oh-Ia-Ia.

Martin Luther King. I'II teII you what.

Everyday's bIack history month.

Come on, AIan, fIex your feet more. Stretch, stretch.

Push Iike you're coming out of me.

Where the heII you been?

Uh...Lucky Horse?

You know that's the training bar, right?

Got a problem with free drinks?

You'II need to checkout the new trainer.

Idiot.

Pick up the pace. What is this, some kind of AlDS walkathon?

WeIcome to it.

I'm your new head coach, Rick Vice.

And this quarter ton of fun next to me

is your new Iine coach, Bob DeIgirt.

He aIso happens to be your nutritionist, which I know is ironicaI.

Now, I've been toId by the lady upstairs

that if you queers don't have a winning season this year,

they're gonna yank the plug on your little football program

the way you've been yanking your plugs for the last two, three years.

Why are they gonna yank the pIug?

Shut the fuck up!

You know where we are?

We're in a smaII, private IiberaI arts coIIege.

Huh? They'd rather spend their money

on faggoty arts and crafts and such.

Pottery.

NonetheIess.

For the next couple and a half months or three,

your asses is grasses.

And you're the Iawn mower.

No, you're the Iawn mower.

No, you're the Iawn--what?

You're the Iawn mower 'cause you're gonna cut them.

Doesn't matter. Fuck it.

l want you to think about two words.

Championship.

You're gonna fuck every team out there.

Hey! Name and position, son.

Uh, Mitch DePrima, quarterback.

WeII, I'm gonna be the judge of that. DePrima.

It's more Iike premie, huh? Like your mother crapped out a IittIe premie baby.

Let him crawI out. You vomit on my fieId?

My freshIy painted pIastic fieId?

Fuck you! Back to me.

I'm from the South. Went from foster famiIy to orphanage.

l was abused sexually and otherwise.

I am a product of pain and suffering.

And l'm very happy to pass the savings on to you.

And you'II be better men for it 'cause Iook at me now.

I ain't afraid of nothing.

Coach.

Goddammit.

Don't sneak up on me Iike that. You spooked me.

Spooked?

No. You--you're spooking me. I wouIdn't caII you a spook to your face.

Twenty Iaps. Make it thirty.

That's a dirty 30.

Look, I don't wanna tell you how to run your business here

and I don't wanna step on any toes, but I wouId be remiss in my duties

if I did not inform you that President WhistIer

is preparing a press conference for ChanneI 57 today.

Oh, no, I'm--I'm not good at pubIic speaking.

ChanneI 57, that's the IocaI cabIe channeI

that's piped into the hospitaIs and stuff. We got this.

Yeah, we got this.

I mean, it's Iimited press,

but apparentIy we need aII the exposure that we can get,

which is the onIy reason that you are here.

Now, if you couId just remember that we are a IiberaI arts coIIege

and Iimit your usage of the "F" word.

Son, footbaII is an "F" word.

No, I understand you--you want me to censorship myseIf.

AII right, you IittIe maggots.

If you don't pick up the fucking pace,

I'm gonna rip off your IittIe peckers

and shove them up your mother's hot pockets, you IittIe fuck fucks.

Fuck!

AII right, Iook, I'm just trying to heIp.

The Ianguage, whatever. But a starter gun, reaIIy.

Oh, this? This is--this is just rubber buIIets, right?

For crowd controI.

They're hard rubber buIIets but Iisten,

these boys ain't made out of crows.

Look, I appreciate you being the-- what is it?

AthIetic director.

Yeah, but if I'm gonna need your athIetic direction,

I won't, 'cause you see this?

It says head coach.

No, it just says coach.

If we have to speciaI order anything, it costs us more money.

For exampIe, Bob's quadrupIe X shirt.

I'm not doing this for my heaIth. Run!

We are on a shoe string budget here.

Yeah, I know about your shoe string budget.

I couId wipe my ass this morning with a napkin I puIIed out of a diner.

It wasn't exactIy infused with aIoe.

My ass is.

This ass is pink. I don't know what coIor your ass is.

Hey.

I don't pay you 1 0 bucks an hour to drink 20 bucks an hour.

Sorry, it was just a rough first day.

The new coach is a nightmare.

Pretty much hates me aIready.

Shocker. You're not that IikabIe.

That's horribIe. You Iike me, right?

You're a decent kid, but Iike most coIIege kids, you're Iazy,

you're spoiIed, aIcohoIics.

Come on, have I ever not shown up to work?

Anybody can show up, but look at this display.

How many times have I asked you to organize this?

You gotta start taking pride in what you do.

Otherwise you're gonna wake up in 20 years and reaIize you got nothing to show for yourseIf.

Is that what happened to you?

Bitch, I own a business. I make six figures a year.

You have to work your ass off to end up Iike me.

I got a 401 k account. I got an I RA account.

l put money into the Forex Autopilot.

Do you even know what support save is?

I don't either, but these are cash machines.

I got a time share in Turks & Caicos.