You've Got Mail

Amazing. This is amazing!

Listen to this: The entire work force of Virginia...

...had Solitaire removed from their computers...

...because they hadn't done any work in six weeks.

- That's so sad. - Do you know what this is?

What we're seeing here is the end of Western civilization as we know it.

Oh. Hey, aren't you late?

Technology. Name me one thing that we've gained from technology.

Electricity.

That's one. You think this machine's your friend, but it's not.

- I'm out of here. - See you tonight.

- Sushi! - Sushi!

Bye!

Welcome.

You've got mail.

"Brinkley is my dog. He loves the streets of New York as much as I do."

Although he likes to eat pizza and bagel off the sidewalk...

...and I prefer to buy them.

Brinkley is a great catcher who was offered a tryout on the Mets.

But he chose to stay with me so he could spend 18 hours a day...

...sleeping on a large green pillow the size of an inner tube.

Don't you love New York in the fall?

Makes me want to buy school supplies.

I'm almost ready.

I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils...

...if I knew your name and address.

On the other hand, this not knowing has its charms.

- Did you push it? - Yeah.

Yes, I pushed it.

I'm so late.

Random House fired Dick Atkins. Good riddance.

Murray Chilton died. That's one less person I'm not speaking to.

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Ugh!

Vince got a great review. He'll be insufferable.

Tonight, PEN dinner.

- Am I going? - Joe Fox, you promised.

It's black-tie.

- Ohh... - Can't I just give money instead?

What is it this week? "Free Albanian writers"?

I'm in favor of that.

Ohh. Ohh.

Okay, I'll go. I'll go. You're late.

I know, I know.

Good morning, Miss Eden.

Who's a happy dog? Who's a happy dog?

Welcome. - Welcome.

- You've got mail. - You've got mail.

All right. Okay. Get down, get down.

Dear friend: I like to start my notes to you...

...as if we're already in the middle of a conversation.

I pretend that we're the oldest and dearest friends...

...as opposed to what we actually are:

People who don't know each other's names...

...and met in a chat room where we both claimed we'd never been before.

"What will NY152 say today?" I wonder.

I turn on my computer.

I wait impatiently as it connects.

I go online...

...and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words:

"You've got mail."

I hear nothing, not even a sound on the streets of New York.

Just the beat of my own heart.

I have mail...

...from you.

The electrical contractor called, his truck hit a deer last night.

So he's not gonna be here till tomorrow.

And upstairs, the shelves are late...

...because the pine we ordered has beetles.

Very good, very good.

And we got a $50,000 ticket for construction workers peeing off the roof.

Great. That is great. Is the electrician here?

I just told you he hit a deer. I knew you weren't listening to me.

You're right. I wasn't.

"I hear nothing.

Not a sound on the city streets, just the beat of my own heart."

I think that's how it goes. Something like that.

You and Patricia got engaged, didn't you? You can tell me.

- Engaged? - Come on.

Are you crazy?

I thought you liked Patricia.

I do. I do. I love Patricia. I love Patricia.

Patricia is-- Patricia's amazing. She makes coffee nervous.

We should announce ourselves to the neighborhood.

Let them know, here we come.

This is the Upper West Side.

We might as well tell them we're opening a crack house.

They're going to hate us.

They're gonna be lining up...

To picket the big, bad chain store...

That's out to destroy--

Everything they hold dear.

We're going to seduce them with our square footage...

...and our discounts and our deep armchairs...

And our cappuccino.

They're going to hate us at the beginning...

But we'll get them in the end.

- And you know why? - Why?

Because we're gonna sell them cheap books and legal addictive stimulants.

In the meantime, we'll just put up a big sign:

"Coming soon, a Fox Books Superstore. The end of civilization...

...as you know it."

Good morning, Christina.

Morning, Kathleen.

It's a beautiful day. Isn't it just the most beautiful day?

I guess. Yeah, sure.

- Idiot, what are you doing? - I got the green light!

Don't you just love New York in the fall?

Perfect.

Mm. Can't beat that.

Scotch tape? What is going on with you?

Nothing.

- You're in love. - In love? No.

Oh, yes, that's right! I'm in love with Frank.

I'm practically living with Frank. Hmm.

Do you think you could get our Christmas mailers out this week?

Yeah, by Monday, I promise. I have this paper due Friday.

What is going on?

Nothing, nothing. Nothing at all.

You know, I am just going to stand here until you tell me.

All right.

Is it infidelity if you're involved with someone on e-mail?

Have you had sex?

No, I don't even know him.

- I mean cybersex. - No.

Well, don't do it. The minute you do, they lose all respect for you.

Well, it's not like that.

We just e-mail. It's really nothing.

On top of which, I'm thinking of stopping because it's getting...

Out of hand?

Confusing.

But not. Because it's nothing.

Where'd you meet him?

Listen, I can't even remember.

On my birthday, I wandered into the "over 30" room for a joke, sort of.

And he was there. And we started chatting.

About what?

Books and music, how much we both love New York...

Harmless, harmless.

Meaningless.

Bouquets of sharpened pencils. Oh.

Excuse me?

Forget it.

We don't talk about anything personal, so I don't know his name...

...or what he does or where he lives exactly...

...so it'll be easy for me to stop seeing him, because I'm not.

He could be the next person to walk into the store.

- I know. - He could be...

...George.

Morning.

Are you online?

As far as I'm concerned...

...the Internet is just another way of being rejected by a woman.

Good morning.

Good morning, Birdie.

What are you girls talking about?

Cybersex.

I tried to have cybersex once, but I kept getting a busy signal.

I know.

I was really depressed one Saturday night about 9:00--

Time to open up!

Jessica and Maya, how are you today?

- Want to say hi to Kathleen? - Hi, Kathleen.

Good morning, Shop Around the Corner.

George speaking. May I help you?

Construction's going well. We should open on time.

Although Kevin and I are concerned about the neighborhood response.

This fabric on the couch, what is it? Does it have a name?

- Money. - Huh?

- Its name is "Money." - Oh.

- Gillian selected it. - Good guess.

- Your father's getting married again. - Really?

- Congratulations! - Thank you.

- Why? - Who knows?

- Love? - Possible.

I think you're a damn fool.

Pops, Matthew is 4 years old, okay?

It'd be nice if his parents were married.

Listen, I have a sad announcement to make.

City Books, on 23rd Street?

It's going under.

Aw. Another independent bites the dust.

On to the next!

Going to buy out their entire inventory of architecture...

...and New York history for the new store.

How much, son? How much you paying?

Whatever it costs, it won't be as much...

...as that uncomfortable mohair episode there...

...which is now all over my suit.

Here you go.

Thanks.

We'll also have a section dedicated to writers who've lived on the West Side.

As a sop to the neighborhood.

Perfect. Keep those West Side, liberal nuts, pseudo-intellectual--

Readers, Dad. They're called readers.

Don't do that, son. Don't romanticize them.

It'll keep them from jumping down your throat.

What's the competition?

One mystery store, Sleuth, at 78th and Amsterdam...

...and a children's bookstore, Shop Around the Corner.

- It's been there forever. - Cecilia's store.