Columbo

Suppose it was you.

You're always imagining that I'm leaping into beds all over town.

Oh, Alex, don't. I know you.

You know that every expert in this case...

believes that Jenifer Welles killed herself?

If that's so, why are you here?

'Cause you don't believe it.

Janice, stop it. I'm getting tired of your insecurities.

Now, stop hounding me.

That's my specialty, you know: Homicide.

Ow.

Frank, let me have that socket wrench, would you please?

Ta.

That's gotta be His Nibs again.

Hello, maestro.

Hello, Mike, old boy. How are you?

Got problems again?

Got a little few problems.

You're a virtuoso, Mike. Fix this thing for me.

Tune it, oil it, talk to it, do whatever you have to.

Fix this thing It's not running right.

I got a rattle in the brass section, the woodwinds are flat.

What's this thing?

That's the distributor.

Anyway, fix it. I'll see you tomorrow around noon, all right?

Okay. Do you need a ride?

No, my wife is supposed to meet me here.

Ah, there she is now, right on time as always. Hi, honey.

Darling, I have to wash my hands. I'll be right there. Mike.

Bye, maestro!

Move over.

All right, darling.

All right.

Here we go.

- Alex, stop that. - Why should I?

I feel that happens to be improper behavior for the conductor...

of the Southern Philharmonic... whatever it is.

You sound just like your mother.

To pinch his wife publicly.

You do. You sound like your mother.

She'd like me to go around as somber as the ghost...

as august as Brahms, as fierce as Beethoven.

Did you know that Brahms used to tell dirty stories?

He used to have a cigar and use it...

while he was conducting sometimes, in concerts.

And Beethoven, he was...

Yes, I know. You told me he was a sex maniac.

- So am I. - Alex.

Look, will you take this thing to the dressing room for me?

- I have to see Billy a second. - Okay.

How's it going, William?

Oh, hello, Alex. I'm just getting a lineup on the camera positions.

Are we locked into these positions?

Well, just about.

Frank! You in the control room?

Yes, Mr. Benedict.

I would like to vary these camera positions from last time.

How would you like them, Mr. Benedict?

I'd like one on me, as usual, and... Let's see.

I think we should have a camera over there stage left.

And I think we should have a camera wild,

on the orchestra, with lots of movement.

I want to get away from these usual, dull looks that we get around here.

Yes, Mr. Benedict.

Do you think we can arrange to make that happen...

exactly like that during the concert?

Alex, Alex...

I just don't want any of that during the concert. Is that clear?

Alex, I'll check it out.

How did people ever listen to symphonies before the age of electronics...

and stupid technicians?

I'll be in my dressing room until 8:00.

I'd like you to handle all problems till then.

I'd rather not be disturbed. I have something going. All right?

Okay, Alex. Take care.

Please!

- Hello, Carlos. - Mr. Benedict...

Sit down, sit down. How's your daughter? Feeling any better?

Fine, thank you. That flu thing's all over.

That's good. That's good. Listen,

I don't want any calls or visitors. I mean that.

- Fine, fine. - All right.

Hi.

Hello, sweetheart.

This is your mail.

Here's some early telegrams. Here's your music.

And here is a kiss.

I've gotta go. Mother is waiting for me.

- Need me? - No. Go on. Get outta here.

Okay. Bye.

Hello, darling.

Hi.

What's the matter, did I scare you?

- Well... - You're shaky.

Just for a second,

I was feeling all the hairs on the back of my neck.

That's just sex.

Mmm.

I thought you weren't coming.

I said I would, didn't I?

Just don't rely on you woman's intuition. It's never correct.

Well, I thought you might be a little angry.

How could I be angry, looking at you?

I just don't like ultimatums, that's all.

I don't like being a secret mistress.

It's not my style.

I know that. You told me.

Do we have to go into the same arguments again?

It's very simple.

I have to be open and free.

So do I, love.

Alex, I want something better than this.

So do you.

You look a little funny.

Well, it's a marvelous choice you've given me:

to divorce my wife or you'll make a scandal out of our love affair.

Alexander, I'm right, and you know it.

I know that. You told me that.

Darling, I know you.

I know you're not really afraid of hurting Janice.

You're just reluctant to lose her mother's backing.

And all that money.

Don't worry.

You're a genius. You'll always have everything.

You're just a little weak, deep inside.

And all you really need is me,

and I need you.

Because I'm the same. See?

And that's why I had to make you decide.

All right.

You'll tell her?

Yes. What choice do I have? All right. Yes.

Okay.

No. Let's not do that now.

Play something for me.

I am so confused I can't understand anything but music tonight.

What would you like me to play?

Chopin.

Okay.

I'll fix us a drink of something.

Celebrate our last secret evening together.

You have to tell them everything.

You always have to tell them not to start the canapes too soon,

or they'll get soggy and taste like Band-Aids.

They're gonna be delivered freshly made right after the concert, Mother.

Mrs. Benedict, Mrs. Fielding.

Hello, Carlos.

Are those film actors coming?

Oh, yes. Alex invited them.

There are gonna be more of these along, Carlos, so I'll pick them up later.

Alex likes all that glamour, I suppose.

But what have actors got to do with music?

Mother, they're people too.

I doubt it.

Hello.

Hello. And how's my darling mother?

"Mother!" Good Lord. Never mind the charm.

How are your opening night nerves?

Nerves? I don't even know the word. I was just taking a nap inside.

Yeah, he never gets them before the concert.

It's afterwards he gets the shakes.

Don't start that.

Speaking of nerves, you know that Tchaikovsky...

got so nervous before a concert, he had hallucinations.

Once he was so sure his head was about to fall off,

that he held onto it with his left hand and he conducted with his right.

- I'll never tell that story again. - No, don't.

Mother, you have to leave us alone now. No more chatter for Alex.

Yes, I know. All right. Be brilliant, Alex.

Of course, you will. You always are. See you afterwards.

- Alex, excuse me. - What?

- Jenifer Welles hasn't shown yet. - What?

Jenifer Welles hasn't shown yet!

Did you phone her?

Yes! The line is busy. It's been busy for a half hour...

- You phoned, huh? - Of course I did!

She's always late. This woman has absolutely no sense of time!

Well, so what are we supposed to do?

Hello? Operator?

I've been trying to reach 555-7921 for quite some time.

The line's been busy.

Yes, this is an emergency.

Would you cut in, please?

Well, thank you very much. Thank you.

I mean, this woman is late. She's late for everything.

She doesn't think there's anyone else in the world alive!

Darling, please.

- Don't get excited. - No, no, it's ridiculous!

Hello?

Hello, operator?

Oh, yes. Thank you very much.

Okay, thank you.

There's no one on the line.

Then she must have left the phone off the hook.

She left the phone off the hook?

It's possible! Anything can happen.

Television cameras are waiting!

People in their houses all over America, waiting for a concert,

and she left the phone off the hook!

Why don't you call the police? Why are you...