2 Broke Girls

Hey, Earl.

It's the brand new us in brand new gently used outfits.

The pit stains are vintage.

I dug mine out of a dumpster.

It wasn't even touching the diaper.

I'm not used to seeing you girls in clothes.

Things just sound creepier when you're old.

As new part owners of the diner,

we're making improvements.

Heh, not in the food or decor

'cause LOL.

But we're just gonna look better.

Oleg, did you hear the news?

We're not wearing uniforms anymore.

Cool.

Let's do it.

Just say the word.

The underwear is tear-away too.

Don't say words.

Oh, God!

I think I just looked into the eye of the tiger.

Oh, it's my roach friend, Pierre.

Bonjour, Pierre.

Au revoir, Pierre.

Stop, drop, and roll!

You're on fire.

You're on fire.

Now scissor a little. It can't hurt.

Okay, now that no one can see Oleg's nipples,

let's start.

As you know, Max and I are part owners of the diner.

You been telling us every damn day

like a skinny cuckoo clock.

Which reminds me,

I timed my medication to it.

Pill me, Earl.

What was that?

I don't know.

Like to keep my body guessing.

So what's this meeting for?

The baby's almost here and I still have a bunch of

new father stuff to do:

build a crib;

get rid of 60 yards of butt-beads.

You can build a crib?

Anyway, the big change we're talking about

is changing right now.

Han?

I don't want to!

Okay, fine.

Those shorts look like a cheap hotel,

no ballroom.

I already lost my diner.

Haven't I been shamed enough?

Ooh. Thanks for reminding me.

Caroline?

Now you have.

And this is what you get for gambling on ladies' tennis

and owing us $25,000.

You look like Bob's "Little" Boy.

Should we order directly into your mouth?

Han, since the diner is now owner operated,

if we have to wait on tables, so do you.

You're gonna cover our shifts because our other business,

the dessert bar, is opening in two days.

Did you say you own a dessert bar?

Huh... pill time.

I don't know why I can't catch a break from you two.

I had to put up with Max's heartbreak

over her LA boyfriend Randy for months.

It was more indulgent than Beyoncé's "Lemonade."

- How dare you? - She's a queen.

The name "Randy" is off-limits in this diner, Han.

Like ambition or fresh milk.

Girls, while you have us trapped here,

what the hell is a dessert bar?

Is it cake with alcohol in it?

Or alcohol with cake?

'Cause either way, nobody wants to make love

after eating a big hunk of pie.

Earl, everybody understands the concept.

I don't get the dessert bar thing either.

Who wants to hear from a human mustard packet?

Randy, Randy, Randy. Zing!

Damn, baby got back.

Thanks for the input, but I think I know what I'm doing.

I went to Wharton.

Wharton.

That's my last pill.

Hey, every-baby!

Yeah, it's my due date.

This baby is taking longer to come out

than a Catholic from Indiana.

Sophie, do you feel anything?

I mean, besides the vibrating panties I got you?

Oh, is that what that sound is?

I thought a bee got in here.

Well, I'll be in my booth

waiting for my baby.

Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner.

I'll be your waiter, Han.

Who's the new girl?

I don't like her.

None of these bartenders have dessert bar experience.

I guess that's because we made it up.

That one guy got drunk at the M&M's store.

That's in the ballpark.

You just like him 'cause he gave you candy.

It did not hurt.

Hey. I'm here for the bartender job.

Well, you're not holding your penis,

so you're doing better than the last guy.

Full disclosure: that guy's still in the running.

Mine would be here, but he gets nervous at interviews.

He's funny.

He's an actual bartender.

He's qualified, and he's still not holding his penis.

You're hired.

Welcome aboard, Randall.

I hate that name. People call me "Randy."

And we hate that name. Out you go.

No, no, no. No, no, that's... come on.

He's not gonna bother me.

He looks nothing like my Randy.

My Randy is a

mountain of a man.

But life got in the way.

He lives in LA and I was starting this dessert bar.

Yeah, she's not over it.

Yeah, and you really pooped the bed with the name thing.

He could pick me up with one arm

and carry Chinese food with the other.

Where'd that guy go?

He disappeared faster than Adam Lambert.

Max, we need to avoid any reminders of Randy.

I can't go back to that depression you were in.

It was so hard for me.

Don't worry.

I'll be okay and so will we.

This is Williamsburg;

you can't spit without hitting a bartender.

Or an artisanal pickle maker.

Why do we live here?

I'm here for the bartender interview.

Oh, no, you two.

How do we know him?

Wait a minute.

Dad?

You're the puppet guy that tried to sue us

two years and three businesses ago

by saying we injured you.

She broke my puppet.

Wait, we never had sex.

Did we?

Do you wiggle a lot?

I do.

But we didn't.

Anyway, uh, since I changed psychopharmacologists,

the puppets aren't talking to me

as much.

Here's my résumé.

Please don't call the references.

They're all jealous of me.

Under special skills, you wrote, "Revenge."

Oh, whoops, that was supposed to be under

"Favorite TV Shows."

But can't we just let bygones be bygones?

I mean, really, I've done a lot of work on myself.

I have found inner peace,

and I've completely... completely centered myself

through a series of... of therapy sessions

that became intensely sexual.

Yeah, I know. It's on your résumé.

Him you can call.

We don't like to work with

nemesises.

Nemesi?

Let's just go with "creepy people that we hate."

Fine.

You two, with your porcelain skin

and your businesses.

I'll go back to my crappy daytime job,

but FYI, Cagney and Lacey,

nobody knows what the hell a dessert bar is.

What is so hard to understand?

It's signature cocktails

paired with dessert confections.

Why do all my enemies have to be geniuses?

He does seem a lot better.

Max, we open in two days; we need a bartender.

Look, I will just take care of the drinks

till we find the right person not named "Randy."

Max, look around. We did it.

And it only cost every cent we got

from your big movie deal.

And the weed money you were hiding

in that box labeled "not weed money."

I'm gonna go check out the bathroom again.

You know you've made it when you have an industrial flush.

The seat is clean. You don't even have to hover.