Dead Set

This programme contains scenes of violence and strong language.

'Day 64.

'2.36pm.

'Space is in the Biodome.

'Marky and Veronica are by the pool.

'Joplin and Pippa are at the sofas.'

I mean, you know, what is TV, anyway?

It's just a big fat arrow pointing away from the problem.

Especially shows like this.

It's like the lead in the water pipes that sent the Romans mad.

Mmm.

I thought to myself, "OK, I can ignore it,

"or I can engage with and alter it from within."

You know, and if just one person hears me and thinks, "Wow.

"I never saw it like that. This guy's really opened my head,"

then I've justified doing it.

You know?

Do toes have bones in them?

Grayson and Angel are in the diary room.

- (Big Brother) Hello, Grayson. - Hi, Big Brother.

- Hello, Angel. - All right.

- How are you today? - I'm pissed off and I'm angry,

and we need your permission to kill someone.

Who would you like to kill?

Who do you think? Wonderbra.

And her spastic henchman.

All right, so show me M and V looking really pleased with themselves, OK?

The chavvier the better.

And lose "spastic", otherwise Ofcom will be shitting blood for a week.

- Who do you think? Wonderbra. - And her henchman.

- Good. - (Grayson) And last night, you could hear everything.

It sounded like someone spanking a wet rat!

And who needs to hear that?

They even sound thick when they grunt.

OK, so mark that for their best bits.

Patrick.

- Thanks...uh, what is it? - Kelly.

- That's the one. - They only had blueberry muffins.

- Oi, oi, oi. Fat camp! - Oh, that's lovely.

I need this in 20 minutes.

If you're gonna answer that, make it quick. Chloe's looking for you.

- Yep, I'm on it. - Quick!

- Shit. Shit. - You ignoring that, are you?

- It's Riq. - Oh, asking where you were last night?

- I told him. - (You told him?)

- Well, texted him. - Well, what did you say?

I crashed at yours.

OK. Glossed over a couple of details, then.

Yeah, me and Riq have been together for ages.

It's not my usual style, you know?

You got pissed, you put your hand in the cookie jar.

You make it sound so innocent.

Yeah, but was it?

I will be back later for the highlights, you jammy cow.

Hiya. That's your coffee.

- Heya. - Hey.

Listen, what happened last night was a mistake.

- Yeah, it was... - We must be really stupid

cos we kept repeating the same mistake till, what, half three?

Yeah, thereabouts.

Yeah, cos I like to learn from my mistakes

and I don't think we fully went through

all the possible avenues for error, so...

Dick!

I'd like to go over it with you later, see if we can...

Can you take Aisleyne to the BBLB room?

Um, that's Sophie's job.

Yeah, she's still doing friends and family.

Fine.

When you're done with that, coffee, camera run, they're gasping.

Sorry, it's been a bit hectic here today.

There's champagne and stuff and tea in the room. It's gonna be great.

Hey, Aisleyne.

- Hello. - Everything all right, yeah?

Looking after you OK?

- (Aisleyne) Who was that? - (Kelly) Patrick, producer.

- Do you want me to fire you? - Shit!

Um, sorry, man.

Man? Just do your job.

There's no-one even there. Move the camera.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

..volleys of gunfire. We hope to join them again for an update...

'Authorities say they cannot guarantee the safety...'

'Hi, this is Kelly. Not here to take your call right now,

'so if you leave me a message I'll get back to you.

'Bye!'

'A cordon established around the immediate area

'has been expanded twice in the last hour.

'It currently covers much of the surrounding...'

What?

'..perimeter, preventing anyone from entering or leaving the area.

'Eyewitnesses have fled the scene.'

How you doin', fellas?

Do you believe in reincarnation?

Can't knock it, can you?

I'll show you a good book that I'm reading.

Doing up my button. Thank you, sweetheart.

Get your fucking baps out of that chair. Now!

37 minutes to go, minions.

Do you even know what a minion is?

No? Don't look offended, then.

Where's Sophie?

Anybody know where Sophie is? Hello?

Excuse me. Come on. Gormless! Where's Sophie?

Uh, Sophie. Uh, she's picking up Pippa's mum.

Well, fucking hell! She should have been here by 5.00. Get her for me.

- Sorry. - What's the latest?

Um, numbers are way down. There are network issues or something.

- OK, so the headline is...? - Well, Grayson is safe.

Marky is the favourite for the chop,

but there's only a pixel between him and Pippa.

Oh, God. Well, rather her than him.

Look at that. Face like a Manchester morgue.

Wish they'd nominate you, sour flaps.

Is that your eviction outfit?

Oi, Barbra. I said, is that your eviction outfit?

My name is Grayson.

G-R-A-Y...

Y-M-C-A.

Oooh, Claire. Voice of God.

This is Big Brother.

Could Grayson come to the diary room?

- Ha! - What?!

- He started it! - Oh, "He started it"!

Oh, you're such an idiot.

- You wanna drown me? - You should come with subtitles.

Fucking had it with this northern twat.

Fuckin' hell!

Oh, God. Talk about pleased with himself.

It's just post-shag euphoria.

You remember that.

- What are you for? - It's Sophie.

Tell me you are round the corner.

'Sorry, Patrick.'

All the main routes were chocka.

Col's trying to work some back-road magic now.

You were supposed to be here... fucking three hours ago.

- Yes. - Stop saying yes.

'Right. Mm-hm. Yep.'

Now, you should have been here three hours ago,

'in friends and family, in hospitality,'

with that fucking moaning Scottish bird's mother.

'Fucking sick of this!'

Fucking get back here, pronto!

No.

Pick that up.

Your boss isn't upset, I hope.

It's eviction night, so he's a bit stressed.

It's a very stressful line of work. I've often thought that.

What's that?

Right. Shit. Bye. Fuck.

- Claire. - Yeah?

They might bump tonight's show.

- Why? - Because of this shit.

One fucking estate on fire in Newcastle

and a couple of policemen killed in Liverpool.

Oh, Jesus.

Stockwell, Cardiff, Portsmouth, all bollocksed.

If this gets much worse, we are gonna be bumped for a news update.

Brilliant.

Why do people riot, anyway? It's not the '80s.

You know, they've got distractions. They should stay in, watch telly.

Just...that hat is so loud.

What you on about? >

I'm just not feeling this no more.

Too many arguments.

No, what are you doing? Don't put that shit in there!

Have you seen the factories where they make this stuff?!

- No. - Yeah, well, there's rats

they can't kill because of all the preservatives in the steam.

You mean there's rats in there?!

My God! I've ruined the food!

Fucking "Och Aye The Noo's" off again.

Gollum set her off.

That's your eviction outfit?

What? Yeah. What - no good?

Mark, you look like a div.

- Is that a phone? It's a phone. - Coo-ee, it's for you!

< We can hear ya!

- (Voicemail) This is Kelly... - Find out who it is. Jesus Christ.

- (Veronica) Hello! - (Marky) Hello. Hello, hello.

Hello! Turn your phone off!

They're not allowed to do that, are they?

I don't think so. Hello!

Hello!

He's fucking gold dust.

Two for the price of one!

He was in Big Brother with me.

- Hello. - Bubble. We fell over a chair?

I didn't know what your question was, cos you kinda stuttered it.

"Are you..."?

He said to me, "Oh, how do you feel about your country?"

And I'm thinking, "I'm African."

My spirit was born in Africa but my body was born in Zimbabwe.

- Hello? - Oh, finally.

Look, Riq, it's eviction night. It's not really a good time.

- Guess who's been mugged. - What?

'Someone's took the van.'

Get this - a family flags me down, right?

A mum, dad, kid,