Alpha House

Dude, I can't believe that this is actually happening Zach.

I know I know I keep feeling like I'm going to wake up from a dream.

- You want me to pinch you? - Yes.

Alright.

- You said pinch! - I'm sorry. Do me.

Shit! This is actually happening.

You're right. We need to chill out.

We can't look like dorks on our first day out.

Okay.

Alright.

Oh my god.

Yeah Dickface!

It's beautiful man.

It's just beautiful.

Good evening gentlemen.

It's daytime.

Mr. President.

So it is.

You boys are ready to be inducted.

Yes Mr. President.

See, as new Alpha's these boys have to call me Mr. President

or else they get punched in the dick.

Boys, this is Charity. This is Faith.

Girls this is Zach and uh...

- What is it? Christian? - Cameron.

Boys, welcome to 24-hour party machine man!

Someone get these boys a beer and a hand job.

- You alright man? - I'm just so happy.

I love this place.

Alright girls put your shirts back on,

we're going downstairs for the Induction ceremony.

Not you. You're meet me in my room.

Yes Mr. President.

See fellas, that right there... never gets old.

Alright fellas quit fucking around we got some cherries to pop

and some serious partying to do!

Oh shit, did you hear what he just said.

Oh my god.

We're not even at the serious partying yet.

It's even better then I imagined.

The average male graduate makes $125,000 per year,

meanwhile the average female graduate

make $41,500 per year.

- This is bullshit. - Yes! It is bullshit Misty.

And why would these women

put up with such inequitable excusable desperaties,

somehow the women or sterling college get it in their heads

that being married to one of these successful men

is just as good as being successful themselves.

Which is a bunch of hoowie!

Yes?

Is the Astronaut single?

What?

That's not the point.

The point is that we work so hard to get into this college.

We're just not here for the parties,

the sex, and to land some rich husband. Right?

Then what are you here Ms. Kramer?

It is Ms. Kramer isn't it?

- Kelly Kramer? - Associate Dean Marshall.

Yes, I know who I am.

So...

This is Delta Pi Sorority.

I heard you were meeting.

Even though you don't have a house.

I say it shows resolved.

I say it shows resolve.

It's pathetic!

And not only that, it's unfair.

Especially when you consider how many houses

of fraternities have, am I right ladies?

- Yeah. - Defiantly.

Sterling college has always offered more opportunities

to it's male students.

You really think that you and your quote unquote sorority

can over turn 50 years of history?

Yes! I do!

I was hoping you'd say that.

Gentlemen.

Today you enter an elite brotherhood

established by our founders in 1963.

Just as Sterling College is know as the cradle of awesome,

Alpha house is known as a place where awesome

goes to get it's freak on.

Now, are you ready to uphold the tradition of this fraternity?

If yes, let me hear you say yeah.

- Yeah! - Good.

Do you swear to never speak ill of her.

- Let me hear you say "Yeah". - Yeah!

To never let her hallow halls fall silent.

To never let her kegs run empty.

And to never ever let the party die.

Fuck yeah!

Now, suck the guys dick on your immediate left.

What?

- Really? - No, I was just messing with you.

I just wanted to see if you'd really do it.

I have nobody to my left.

Gentlemen.

Welcome to Alpha House.

- Hey! Who turned off the lights? - What the fuck?

I'm sorry Mr. Kroger.

Am I interrupting something?

Of course not.

It's always an honor to be visited by our associate Dean.

I see you're inducting a fresh batch of perverts,

drunks, and future fellons.

How fratuitous that I found you in a very excepting frame of mind.

You thinking about pledging?

It's very flattering but unfortunately

we're about the capacity for the year.

Though the peace offering with the strippers

was not a bad move.

I see they went for the naughty bookworm look.

What you couldn't throw in one sexy cop?

You see? This is why I'm here.

For too long Alpha House has been the a bastian

for sex, drugs...

Stop! Stop! Stop it! It's not a good thing!

It's everything that's wrong with Sterling College!

But we are going to transform it

into a shining example of everything

that Sterling College has to offer.

Opportunity. Diversity.

- Equality. - Can you get to the point?

I'm sobering up over here.

Gentlemen.

- Meet your new brothers. - Hello boys.

As of tonight,

I am making Alpha House officially... CoEd.

- No you can't. - I can and I did.

Dean Bungalon would never approve of this.

No. I doubt Dean Bungalon

would give approval to such a dramatic change

to his old fraternity.

But luckly fraternity matters,

fall under the preview of the Associate Dean.

Which is me.

This is bullshit!

- What's your name potty mouth? - Cameron.

Is there something on your feeble mind Cameron?

You can't just change a frat like this. This isn't fair!

And having a Sorority without a house is?

Excellent return Renee!

He means not fair to the girls.

It's still a frat.

You can bring a whole bunch of girls in here

but they're gonna have to live with a whole bunch of guys.

You think it's fair to make girls live in that kind of environment?

Excellent point Cameron's friend.

Zach.

Don't care. With Alpha House being CoEd,

It is now written by state and federal laws,

which forbid anyone

from making a member of the opposite sex feel harassed,

disentranced, or other wise uncomfortable.

It means you horn dogs will dial down the debauchery.

Significantly.

How significantly?

This place is going to make the Mormon tabernacle look like Mardi Gras.

Everybody will be on their best behavior.

Or else, you're out.

Out of Alpha House?

Out of Alpha House. Out of Sterling College.

Poop out of luck!

Ladies.

Why don't know go make yourselves at home.

Girls.

Can someone please buy some air freshener?

This is a disaster.

I'm outta here.

- Where you going? - Sorry dudes.

I was only in this stupid frat only for the booze and the cooze.

What about brotherhood?

What about never letting the party die?

Dude, look around.

The party is dead.

I should be in elbows deep in Co-Ed trim right now.

Instead of watching these Delta Pi lesbos

turn our front door into a chastity belt.

Adios losers.

Enjoy your castration.

Come on! Seriously guys!

Wait what?

Bye, bye.

Well...

Looks like you're the defecto president potty mouth.

Congrats.

Alright, listen up. This is how it's going to work.

You two are gonna divide up the house equally.

I'm putting this on both your shoulders.

- Got it? - Got it.

Good.

So this is how it's gonna work.

You guys are gonna get the rooms in the back,

and we get the rooms in the front.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You are talking to the acting Alpha House president here.

Okay? If anybody decides who gets what rooms is me.

Okay, so what do you suggest?