The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

>> Steve: FROM 30 ROCKEFELLER

PLAZA HERE IN NEW YORK CITY,

IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING

JIMMY FALLON."

AND NOW, HERE HE IS,

JIMMY FALLON

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I FEEL THE LOVE.

I FEEL THE LOVE OUT THERE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

PLEASE, WELCOME.

WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO

"THE TONIGHT SHOW.

PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.

RELAX, ENJOY YOURSELVES.

GUYS, WE GOT A LONG SHOW

TONIGHT.

YEAH

YOU DON'T WANT TO STAND FOR THE

WHOLE THING.

YEAH, NO

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT

I AM SO EXCITED AND FIRED UP TO

BE HERE.

I'M PRETTY MUCH THE OPPOSITE OF

ROBERT MUELLER

I REALLY AM.

EVERYONE IS STILL TALKING ABOUT

MUELLER'S TESTIMONY.

DEMOCRATS WERE HOPING IT WOULD,

QUOTE, "BREATHE LIFE INTO THE

EFFORT TO IMPEACH TRUMP.

BUT AFTERWARDS THEY WERE LIKE,

"FORGET IMPEACHMENT, SOMEONE

SHOULD TRY TO BREATHE LIFE INTO

ROBERT MUELLER."

THAT'S RIGHT

BOTH DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS

THOUGHT MUELLER CAME OFF AS

SLOW AND OLD

I'M NOT SAYING MUELLER WAS BAD

BUT HE MADE BERNIE SANDERS LOOK

LIKE ONE OF THE KIDS FROM

"STRANGER THINGS."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

RIGHT, MUELLER'S NOT QUITE AS

SHARP AS HE USED TO BE

THIS MORNING HE GOT UP AND

SAID, "OKAY, WHAT TIME DOES THE

HEARING START?

APPARENTLY, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS

THRILLED WITH HOW IT WENT.

YEP, HE WAS SO HAPPY, HE CAME

THIS CLOSE TO HUGGING DON JR

>> Steve: REALLY

>> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

HE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

TRUMP WAS SO HAPPY, HE FORMED

HIS HAIR INTO A PARTY HAT.

>> Steve: OH

>> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH

HE WAS SO HAPPY THAT HE REHIRED

JEFF SESSIONS AND THEN FIRED

HIM AGAIN.

HE WAS SO HAPPY, HE THOUGHT

ABOUT TAKING A VICTORY LAP,

JUST MADE AN INTERN DO IT FOR

HIM.

HE WAS SO HAPPY, HE OFFERED TO

FLY THE SQUAD BACK TO WHERE

THEY CAME FROM ON

AIR FORCE ONE.

THAT'S HOW HAPPY TRUMP WAS

I HEARD THAT YESTERDAY THE

PRESIDENT WATCHED ALL SEVEN

HOURS ON TV.

BUT TODAY HE WENT BACK TO HIS

USUAL SCHEDULE OF WATCHING

SEVEN HOURS OF TV.

WELL, AFTER THE HEARING, TRUMP

SAID MUELLER'S PERFORMANCE WAS,

QUOTE, "ONE OF THE WORST

PERFORMANCES IN THE HISTORY OF

THE COUNTRY.

AND THEN STORMY DANIELS WAS

LIKE, "SECOND WORST.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

AND GET THIS, I HEARD THAT

DURING MUELLER'S TESTIMONY,

MELANIA TWEETED THAT SHE'S

ALREADY PREPPING FOR CHRISTMAS

AT THE WHITE HOUSE

NOT A GOOD SIGN FOR TRUMP.

HE'S HEARING THAT HE COULD BE

INDICTED AND HIS WIFE'S LIKE,

"IT'S GOING TO BE THE BEST

CHRISTMAS EVER."

JUST WAIT A DAY.

AFTER THAT, MUELLER'S TESTIMONY

YESTERDAY, A POLL FOUND THAT

MOST AMERICANS THOUGHT IT HURT

PESIDENT TRUMP

PRETTY INTERESTING POLL, TAKE

A LOOK AT THIS

60% SAID, "I THINK MUELLER'S

TESTIMONY HURTS TRUMP.

30% SAID, "I THINK MUELLER'S

TESTIMONY CLEARS TRUMP."

10% SAID, "I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO

THINK ABOUT MUELLER'S

TESTIMONY.

20% SAID, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN

YOU'RE NOT SURE, DID YOU EVEN

WATCH IT?"

30% SAID, "I MEAN, I WATCHED

SOME IT.

IT WAS SEVEN HOURS LONG.

WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT?

45% SAID, "YOU DO, CARL.

ALL YOU DO IS SIT ON THE COUCH

AND WATCH RE-RUNS OF

"TINY HOUSE HUNTERS.

YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME.

10% SAID, "IT'S RESEARCH

YOU KNOW THE TINY REAL ESTATE

INDUSTRY IS BOOMING.

WE CANNOT DO THIS RIGHT NOW.

PLEASE, JODIE, I'M EXHAUSTED."

36% SAID, "YOU'RE EXHAUSTED?

I'M THE ONE WORKING DOUBLE

OVERTIME

BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T HOLD DOWN

A JOB AT FREAKIN'

OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE."

15% SAID, "OH, REAL CLASSY

LOOK, I ALREADY TOLD YOU, MY

UNCLE RICO THAT HE CAN GET ME

AN INTERVIEW AT FUDDRUCKERS

FIRST THING NEXT WEEK.

42% SAID, "THE SAME UNCLE RICO

WHO SHOWS UP TO THANKSGIVING

DINNER EVERY YEAR COMPLETELY

PLASTERED?

GREAT, I'M GLAD THAT'S THE ONE

WHO WE'RE DEPENDING ON."

35% SAID, "RICO'S A GOOD MAN

AND YOU WOULD KNOW THAT IF YOU

WEREN'T SO BUSY NITPICKING

EVERYTHING I DO.

THEN 100% SAID, "IF YOU LOVE

RICO SO MUCH, HOW ABOUT YOU AND

HIM MOVE INTO A TINY HOUSE

TOGETHER?"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

THAT WAS OUR LATEST INSTALLMENT

OF OUR SEGMENT "INTERESTING

POLLS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

>> Jimmy: SOME MORE NEWS TODAY,

THE PRESIDENT SPOKE AT A

A CEREMONY FOR HIS NEW

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

BUT IT SEEMED LIKE HE WAS

HAVING SOME TROUBLE TALKING

TODAY.

WATCH THIS

KICKED IN --

BOTH HOUSES OF CONGRESS,

ADVISING LAWMARKERS AND THE

COMBAT INFANTRIVEN BADGE

WE TALKED TO ALL OF THEM

AND THEY TALKED TO US.

>> Steve: WOW!

>> Jimmy: "MY FAVORITE SHOW IS

"THIS -- THIS IS US.

SOME BUSINESS NEWS, GET THIS, I

READ THAT SOON YOU'LL BE ABLE

TO DROP OFF AND PICK UP UPS

PACKAGES AT

ADVANCED AUTO PARTS.

IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE

UPS DRIVER JUST THROWS YOUR

PACKAGE OVER YOUR FENCE INTO AN

ADVANCED AUTO PARTS.