Diary of a Wimpy Kid

First of all, let me get something straight.

This is a journal, not a diary.

When Mom went out to buy this thing,

I specifically told her not to get a book that said "Diary" on it.

But, of course, she didn't listen.

It's been hard enough getting through the first week of middle school

without carrying this thing around with me.

Hey, this kid's got a diary.

A-Actually, it's a jour--

If Mom's expecting me to write down my feelings or whatever,

she's gonna be disappointed.

The only reason I agreed to write in this thing at all

is because one day I'm gonna be rich and famous.

And people'll wanna read about my early years. So I'm doing this for them.

- Greg is so smart. - So handsome.

- So brave. - And he smells terrific.

But for now, I'm stuck in middle school...

...surrounded by morons.

But luckily, I'm not alone in this middle school thing.

My best friend, Rowley, is in the same grade as me.

I doubt he's ever gonna be rich and famous,

but it's good to have him around for laughs.

Did you know if your hand is bigger than your face,

it's a sign that your brain is shrinking?

It is?

Gotcha.

But does this mean my brain is shrinking?

Not sure.

Let's check the other hand.

I'm glad Rowley's along for the ride,

because everything else about middle school stinks.

And I can't believe it was just a week ago

that me and Rowley were actually looking forward to this.

Heads up!

That was a good one. You almost hit the front tire that time.

You just need to slow down a little so I can get locked in.

- Let me get this straight. - Come on, Rowley.

So in middle school,

do you just go to a different room for each class?

Come on. You got it.

And you just carry all your stuff around with you all day?

No, no. No, no, no.

They give you a locker

so you can just ditch the books you don't need in between periods.

W-w-what about recess?

There's still recess, right?

I told you, like, a million times, Rowley.

Recess is an elementary school thing.

Aw. But I like recess.

Are you gonna go, or are you just gonna sit there?

Don't you want a turn riding? I've gone three times in a row.

But you're way better at riding than me. I can never do it as good as you.

Woo-hoo!

- -

Oh, come on, Rodrick! You made me miss!

I'm okay.

One of the reasons I'm friends with Rowley is

there aren't a whole lot of boys my age in the neighborhood.

In fact, aside from Rowley, there's only really--

Fregley!

Why, hello, Greg Heffley.

Hi, Fregley. I was just, um, getting-- getting my football.

Wanna come inside my house for a playdate?

I can show you my room.

You know, I'll definitely take you up on that offer sometime.

Wanna see my...

secret freckle?

- -

Should we do that one over?

Who's hungry?

So, did everyone have a good day?

Frank, don't do that with your food. It's weird.

- It tastes better this way. -

Hey! Oh!

I'm still gonna eat it.

Greg, is that dirt on your back-to-school clothes?

Please don't call them that.

What on earth were you doing to get so filthy?

I was throwing a football in the street with Rowley.

You were playing a sport with your feet and hands and not a device.

Wo-- Wow.

I guess.

Mark the calendar, Susan. Greg here played a sport.

You weren't playing that game with Rowley, were you?

You know you're banned from playing that.

Somebody is going to get hurt.

What?

Oh! Oh, that game?

No. No way.

You said we couldn't play that anymore.

Right. And Rowley's parents are in full agreement.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, there. All clean.

I'm only three.

Speaking of Rowley, how's he feeling about Monday?

Is he looking forward to his first day of middle school?

Hmm. I'm not sure.

I think he might be a little nervous, actually.

Well, he's lucky to have you as a best friend.

You know, that's all you need to get by in this world.

One good friend.

Yeah.

And you're lucky to have a big brother

who's already gone through the middle school experience.

Right, Rodrick?

- Rodrick! - Huh?

Take off your headphones. You know the rule.

Why don't you give Greg a pep talk about middle school?

Greg's going to middle school?

Yes, Rodrick.

Why don't you tell him what he can expect on his first day?

Okay, listen close. Here's what you need to know.

First of all, watch where you sit on the first day of school,

because your teacher might make that your permanent seat.

Next, don't use the bathroom on the second floor,

no matter how bad you have to go.

- There aren't any doors on those stalls. -

And finally, whatever you do,

don't get the Cheese Touch.

'Cause if you do, you might as well be dead.

Thank you, Rodrick,

- for that wonderful pep talk. -

Greg, please forget everything that you just heard.

Especially the nonsense about the cheese.

But wha-- what's the Cheese Touch?

It all started in my first year of middle school.

No one knows where it came from

- or who put it there. Don't do it!

One day... Stay away!

...a slice of Swiss cheese appeared on the blacktop.

Ew!

At first,

- no one would go near it. - Ugh!

And then one day... - Hmm.

...a kid named Darren Walsh got curious.

No way! -

And that's what started the Cheese Touch.

The only way to get rid of the Cheese Touch is to give it to someone else.

Then one day... -

...a kid named Abe Hall moved to California.

He took the Cheese Touch with him.

But the cheese remained.

And to this day, it sits on the blacktop,

waiting to strike again!

Well, that's terrifying.

Don't let Rodrick scare you, Greg.

Middle school's gonna be fun.

Oh, and please don't mention the-- the cheese thing to Rowley.

Honestly, it-- it'll scare him half to death.

Who's Rowley?

Greg's best friend.

You know, the kid who's over here almost every single day.

Oh, him.

I thought you were babysitting that kid.

We're the same age.

He's the same age as y--

Oh, man. I thought he was, like, in kindergarten or something.

Middle school's gonna eat him alive.

Rodrick.

Let me give you one last piece of advice, Greg.

Middle school is every man for himself.

You don't need some overgrown baby weighing you down.

Rodrick!

That's enough.

Greg, come on, man. Trust me.

Cut him loose now or you both drown.

- You lose! Woo-hoo!

In your face, Greg! That's three in a row.

Wanna go again?

No, that's okay. We can shut it off.

What's the matter?

Afraid to lose?

No, I'm just not in the mood.

Rowley, cut it out!

I mean--

Don't you think it's time to start acting our age?

But you always do the chicken thing to me.

It's not just that, Rowley.

Look around this room.

All these stuffed animals, that bedspread, and what's with this Joshie guy anyway?

Joshie's from Europe.