Bros

Hey, everyone, it's Bobby Leiber.

And welcome to your favorite podcast, The 11th Brick at Stonewall .

Because we all know a butch lesbian or a trans woman of color

probably threw the first brick at Stonewall,

but it was a cis, white, gay man who threw the 11th brick.

And today, as always, I will take you on a journey throughout LGBTQ+ history,

and much more importantly, my own problems and whatever I feel like talking about.

And this is a big day,

because, as of today, The 11th Brick is celebrating one million subscribers.

And in honor of all this exciting news, I am taking your questions live.

First question.

Hi, Bobby. Any chance for more children's books?

Oh, not at the moment, but thank you.

As some of you know, I wrote a series of children's books

to help parents teach kids about gay history, which no one bought.

Turns out a four-year-old didn't want to hear a bedtime story

about Martina Navratilova.

Hey, parents. Thanks for teaching your kids about Santa Claus,

a straight man that doesn't exist,

and not Martina Navratilova, a lesbian who does.

In other news, I finally got the footage

from my audition to be part of the next cast of Queer Eye ,

and you can watch that on the app right now.

- Oh, no. - Oh, my...

I'm sorry. This is not sad. It's just not sad.

You gave him a haircut and a pair of pants.

I mean, he looks fine.

- Not great. - Next caller.

What happened to that movie you wrote?

Oh, yeah. The movie.

These big movie producers came to me and said...

"We want you to write a rom-com about a gay couple.

Something the whole world would enjoy.

Something a straight guy might even like and watch with his girlfriend."

I said, "Something a straight guy might like? Like what exactly?

Am I gonna be in the middle of some high-speed chase,

and then all of a sudden fall in love with Ice Cube?

Am I gonna get butt-fucked by Jason Momoa while we're both,

I don't know, worrying about a volcano?"

And he said, "Bobby, we just want to make a movie that shows the world

gay and straight relationships are the same.

Love is love is love."

I said, "'Love is love is love?'

No, it's not. That's bullshit.

That is a lie we had to make up

to convince you idiots to finally treat us fairly.

Love is not love.

Our relationships are different. Our sex lives are different."

And he said, "Bobby, we were just trying to make a nice movie

about nice gay people."

And I said, "Well, there's your first mistake,

because not all gay people are nice."

And I got up and left.

Anyway, it's totally fine.

I'm not the right person to write a rom-com anyway.

Why not?

Um... I don't know.

I mean, I'm 40 years old. I've never been in love.

I've never even had a serious relationship, which is fine.

You know, I love my life. I love my freedom. I love my independence.

But... ...you know,

probably means I'm not the right person to write a love story.

In exciting news, I remain very horny,

and tonight I am being honored at the LGBTQ+ Pride Awards.

- -

Being in the NFL, I never thought I could come out.

For years, I had to suffer

as a hot, ripped, gay person, living my life in private.

But this last year has really shown me

how amazing life can be when you are finally publicly hot.

- - Thank you.

And now, please welcome Emmy and Tony award winner, Kristin Chenoweth.

Good evening.

What an honor for me to be here tonight.

On my head is a hat depicting the Stonewall riots,

where the queer liberation movement began.

And now, the award for cis, white, gay man of the year.

Please welcome Bobby Leiber.

- Thank you. -

Oh, my goodness. Thank you, New York.

Thank you. Thank you.

Meet Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum, the Bert and Ernie of Ancient Egypt.

Many scholars believe

that they are the first recorded same-sex couple in history.

Yet to this day,

there are historians who refuse to believe that these men were lovers,

and insist that they were brothers instead.

Thus began 5,000 years of queer love stories

erased from the history books.

No gay love stories to teach us about love and how to love each other.

Well, I'm happy to say this erasure ends today.

And I am thrilled to announce

I have accepted a position as the executive director

of the first national LGBTQ+ history museum,

right here in New York City.

Thank you, New York. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, what's up?

Looking? Into?

Bottom here.

Versatile.

Sure you are.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, what's up?

Thank you.

You want to finish?

Uh... I think I'm good, actually.

- Okay, I'll get you something for that. - Thanks.

For me, the cold and awkward Grindr hookup

is often followed by a walk around the city by myself.

Anyone else do that?

It's weird, because you still had this romantic encounter.

Even though it was odd or unsatisfying, and you don't even know the person,

you're still feeling this, kind of, post-sex warmth and wistfulness.

So I usually walk around for a bit,

and I kind of coast on that warm feeling as long as it lasts.

And between the weird sex with strangers that you don't like

and conversations with friends you love that you would never have sex with,

you know, you cobble together a version of a romantic single life.

And it's good, you know? It works.

It's a lot more than what a lot of other people have in this world.

And you try to remember that.

As always, this podcast is brought to you by Career Donkey.

- Hi. Hi, I'm sorry. I know. I'm sorry. -

What's going on? What did I miss? How are you guys, Lucas?

Well, our surrogate just hit three months, and, not only that, but we are...

Having triplets.

- Oh, my God, congratulations. Oh, my God. - That's amazing. Yeah.

I'm sorry, you guys. I have to go. A late shift at the bar.

- It was great meeting you guys. - Nice to meet you.

- And congratulations. - Thank you.

Bye, Marty.

- Bye, y'all. - Text us.

So what's happening? Didn't you guys have an announcement?

Okay, so, I totally know this is a little weird and unexpected,

but the reason we've been hanging around with Marty so much

is that we are kind of...

dating him.

- - Okay.

Wait a second. Wait, wait, wait.

What do you mean, you're dating him?

I mean, together. Like, as a couple. We're seeing him.

I guess it's kind of like a throuple situation.

Hold on. So, wait, what does that mean exactly?

Like, are you guys just having threesomes or something?

Well, we hooked up, but then we started spending a bunch of time together after.

It turns out we have a lot in common.

It's more than just sex. We genuinely like each other.

Wait, wait. So, how long has this been going on?

- Six months? -

You're in a throuple for six months, and you didn't tell me?

We didn't know it'd get that serious.

How serious is it gonna get? You're in a throuple.

What are you gonna do next, tell your grandparents?

Hi, Grandma.

Oh, hi, honey.

- I have some news. - Yes?

Peter and I are jointly fucking a third person.

Oh, my goodness.

It's Paul. He and Peter are jointly fucking someone else.

- Oh, how wonderful. It's a throuple. -

We'll be fine. We really trust each other enough to do this.

Just be careful.

I know a lot of guys who've done this, and it's a slippery slope.

These things are fragile.

And, you know, we're men. Okay? Men dating men.

Love is not love. We are horny and selfish and stupid. I am too.

Someone called into my show the other day and asked me why I'm still single.

I said, "You want to know why?

Because I've been gay my whole life, and I don't trust these gay motherfuckers.

I support them, but I don't trust them."

And are you happy?

- Who's so happy all the time? - Uh, a lot of people.

Well, I really don't trust those people.

- - Mr. Leiber?

Sorry. I love your podcast. Can I get a selfie?

Oh, sure.

- Thank you. -

Shit. I told Henry I'd meet him at this launch party.

Ugh. I wanted to go home and change first.

Aren't you guys just gonna take your shirts off anyway?

No, we're not just gonna take our shirts off.

It's not 2003.

You have a very clichéd view of what gay men do at a party.

What app is this for again?

It's this new hookup app my company is launching.

We've got Grindr. We've got Tinder. This is Zellweger.

It's for gay guys who just want to talk about actresses, then go to bed.

Oh, I'd use that.

Bobby, I had sex with a 65-year-old.

Sixty-five?

He didn't have an age on his profile.

He was really nice, he had an amazing body,

but he had this big, white beard.

I felt like Mrs. Claus.

I kind of love that.

There's that guy Aaron.