Carter

Dave, why are you not eating this breakfast sandwich?

It's the third most important meal of the day.

- Not true. - So, what is on the docket for today?

We diving back into Boyle investigation land?

I hate it when this happens.

All my fans congregate around one of my benches.

Now, I gotta take selfies with all of them.

Okay, everybody!

One pic a person and you gotta tag me 'cause I need the followers.

I think you're being upstaged buddy.

- What's going on? - No idea.

Well, I mean, that guy was just sitting there on the ride

when he picked up that can and poured something all over himself.

Then, he pulled something out of his pocket,

that thing he's holding there now.

- Hey, Dave, I think you better call... - Hey, Sam?

I think you better get down to Pinky Point Park right away.

Crisis counsellor won't be here for twenty minutes.

- Where's Harley? - Well...

Well, he was right here a moment ago.

- Oh no. - Hey, stop! Okay...

Hey! Sir.

- What're you doing? - Gotta slow this thing down.

- You don't think I'll do it? - We're gonna get to know each other,

but first I gotta get this thing stopped.

Hey, man, you gotta stop this train.

I can't stop, he'll set himself on fire if I stop.

I'll give you fifty bucks if you stop the train.

- No. - Are you kidding me?

Okay...

Don't get any closer!

- Don't come any closer! - Here we go. One, two...

- Don't do it Harley Carter. - three!

Alright a thousand bucks and you stop the train?

That's my final offer!

- Okay. - Thank you!

- Just gonna sit right here. Okay? - You can't stop me!

I know I can't. Okay, I just want to talk.

- My name is Harley Carter. - Hey! Don't come any closer!

- I'll do it! I mean it! - Hey, just give us one second.

Okay? Just one second.

I'm just gonna, just gonna eat my sandwich.

- He took my sandwich. - You want a bite?

I can't eat that.

You know what goes into those things? Sodium nitrate.

Increases your chances of cancer and heart disease.

- That thing could kill me. - Well, you see, you don't want to die.

I don't want to die. I'm dead already. My time is up.

- You know this because you're a psychic? - I'm a life insurance actuary.

I use statistics to calculate risks and life expectancy.

Average male's life expectancy is 76.4 years.

You can extend that by regular exercise, add 4.7 years.

Eating junk food like that sandwich, that alone can take off 35 minutes.

But it's so good.

Take me, no siblings minus 7.5 years, no children minus two years.

never been married minus two years.

All right your hand's just getting a little shaky there.

Why don't you give me the lighter. Oh, okay.

No family. What about a girlfriend?

I had a friend at work, but she quit.

So. No friends, minus five years.

Which brings me to...negative two years.

I'm on borrowed time. I might as well end things myself.

No! Hey! Tell me about your happy place.

My cubicle at work.

Okay, hey. Tell me about your friend. Tell me about her.

Evelyn the friend at work.

She was funny and smart.

I always wanted to ask her out, but what are the odds she'd say yes?

- Now, she's quit and I'll never know. - Hey.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

But I also know that life is random and unique and we create our own chances.

I promise you there is a reason for you to get off this train.

If you give me one week and I will prove it to you.

And if after one week, we don't change your mind,

I will bring you back to this train and I will light you on fire myself.

- One week. - Come on. Give me the lighter.

Everybody loves you! Nobody wants you dead! Yeah!

CARTER

Listen, forget about those stats, okay? It's time to seize the day,

and we are about to cross the first item off your bucket list.

- I'm thrilled. Wait, that's panic. - Wait, let me get this straight.

You can just look at a person and tell what age they're going to die?

- You gotta do me! - That's not how it works.

Yeah, but try, come on.

All right, indicators of diabetes, weak grip strength...

- Eighteen to twenty years. - Wait, what?

- Closer to eighteen. - That was fun.

All right, Eugene, we are here, Evelyn's house.

- Evelyn's house? - And you're going to ask her out.

- Yep. - Great!

- Hey. - Come on.

I can't do this now. Let's do this one last.

Actually, let's go back to the train.

Eugene, I'm sure you've asked women out before.

Of course. There was Heather Holebrook in grade two

and Debra Finetti in high school, and yup.

You've asked out two women in your life?

Okay, listen, I'll be right here the whole time.

You get in trouble, I'll bail you out. I'll be your Cyrano.

Usually I play the hot one, but I can play against type.

- You ready to do this? Yeah. - I can do this.

Hit it again.

- Nobody home. Let's go. - No, she's gotta be here her car's here.

Just call her.

- I can't do this. - Give me the phone, Eugene. Unbelievable.

Okay.

It's coming from inside. I can't see.

Hey, Sam. You doing anything right now?

Evelyn was shot through the window. What do you think? Sniper?

- You watch too much TV. - I'm on too much TV.

- Not lately. - You find any prints yet?

Just this coffee cup.

Those prints are going to be mine.

Sorry. I left that cup over there.

- Mocha is still warm. Thank you. - Thanks, Wes.

Oh! Hello, suspects.

What? They always return to the scene of the crime.

Okay, can we just stay in reality for another couple of minutes. All right.

Evelyn worked at Claim-Well for thirty-five years,

up until four days ago.

I mean, who quits two weeks before their pension?

You ever have a bullet whizz past your ear?

If I'm in a good mood, you will, if not, you won't hear anything at all.

This has to end.

Dave. You're light on your feet, big man. How long you been standing there?

No. What phone call?

I mean, why am I talking about a phone call

I just have to use the little boy's room man's room,

little man's room men's room!

We haven't had much chance to talk much, have we, Dave?

- You know what? No, we haven't. - Well, we should.

I mean, crime scene's not really your place, is it, Dave?

- No. - Let's talk real soon.

- Sound good? - Yes that will, yep, that sounds good.

After you.

- How you doing, buddy? - She's really dead?

I'm never going to get to talk to her again.

- I'm so sorry. - I want to help.

- I want to help Evelyn. - Okay. Hey, Sam?

I've never been questioned by the police before.

Well, we can cross this off your bucket list.

Hi, Eugene. Detective Shaw.

Can you tell me what Evelyn's last days at Claim-Well were like?

Evelyn loved her job, but in the last month or so,

she was really upset about something.

And then, four days ago, she was called up to the president's office for a meeting.

When she came out, she told me,

"Be careful around here", and then she quit.

And that was the last time I talked to her.

Yeah, there's something fishy going on at this insurance company.

- Why are you so excited? - I want to cover Claim-Well.

Okay, first of all, I loved that movie Office Space.

And you're starting from zero. I have an inside man.

I could use the extra legwork and we should be keeping an eye on Eugene.

Fine. But lay low.

We don't need a multi-million dollar corporation on our asses.

This place is so corporate. It's so bland, it's so bleak so depressing.

I'm so excited.

Hey, man, before we get started on this thing,

I gotta tell you about this phone conversation

I overheard Boyle having.

He was threatening a guy. Our Boyle plot thickens.

- Intriguing. Who was he talking to? - I don't know, but it was really bad.

- I'm now legit frightened of the guy. - All right, we'll deal with that later.

Right now, we got some break room work to do.

Gossip is power, and someone at that water cooler

knows what happened to Evelyn. Hey, Eugene?

What's the work situation in there? Did Evelyn have any friends?

- Any office confidantes? - Evelyn kept to herself.

All right, well, someone in there knows something.

We just have to do a little digging.

Claim-Well is a pretty good place to work.

I've been here twenty-three years, five months,

and today'll be day twenty-five.

You've been here for twenty-three years and you still have the worst parking spot?

That's not the worst of it.

- This is your office? - It's his happy place.

Well, they put me up here when they were going to expand,

but that never happened. So, now, it's just me...

Alone.

God, when do we get three more tickets for the train ride?

Eugene, you didn't tell us you're the bottom guy on the rung.

You were our in with the president!

The president? Oh...

I've only ever spoken to President Buchanan twice.

Once, when he thought I was a waiter at the Christmas party.

I served him all night long. Didn't know what else to do.

All right, well, trust me, no one's ever mistaken me as a waiter.

Although I did play one in a great film Bus Boy 3 starring Seth Green.

Yes, one of your finer straight to DVD performances.

Speaking of performances. I have an idea.

There we go. Oh, hello.

I am Peter Lemoncello, HR.

- And who am I? - You're still Eugene.

And I'm. "Dave Leigh"?

- No one knows who you are, man. - You made me a janitor?

We're gonna hit 'em from both sides, okay.

I'm gonna hit them from white collar, you're gonna hit them from wet mop.

Don't you think someone might recognize you?