Dog Gone

God.

I get tuna every time and I hate tuna. You know I hate tuna, but I just... get it.

- It's like... What'd you get? Italian.

See, that... That's a good choice. Italian is a good sandwich.

What's up, babe? Oh, no.

Fields, whatever you do, don't look to your left.

Oh, no way.

Sorry, pal.

Just one week into senior year. How'd she just leave me?

Apparently by text.

I... I can't eat this.

- I feel so alone. - Yeah.

"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted

is the most terrible poverty."

Mother Teresa, who, by the way, I guarantee you was never dumped.

I mean, seriously, you dump her, that is one-way ticket downstairs.

Shh! Is that the guy?

Who?

- She left me for a Frisbee guy? - You're a Frisbee guy.

No, not like him. He's, like...

shirtless.

He looks great.

- Thank you. - Well.

I think that tonight,

we should go down to the Bobcat,

get some drinks, get some wings,

forget about Claire and this Adonis.

You...

Where'd you go?

You aren't listening.

Let's go to the pound.

- - This is a mistake.

Okay, I have love to give, and Claire doesn't want it.

I love you, babe. Me, I do. Can we go now, please?

I am getting a dog.

When was the last time you showered?

It was a Tuesday.

Listen, dogs, they need shots. They need food and water every day.

- Okay? - Yeah.

You are just...

You're ill-equipped. I'm sorry. You just are.

- "What is man without the beasts?" - Oh, no.

"For if all the beasts were gone,

man would die of a great loneliness of the spirit."

- It's Chief Seattle. - I know it's Chief Seattle. I know it is.

Just listen. A B-minus in Native American studies

does not qualify you to care for an animal.

- Also, please don't ever do that again. - Why?

It's very off-putting when you quote smart dead guys back at me.

That's my thing. Philosophical arts, my thing.

- You know it. - Okay.

Oh, no.

Well, hey!

What's up, pup?

I love him.

And he loves me.

Whoop! That's a big bag.

All right. Oh, and I need him to imprint on me, so don't, like, bond with him.

Done and done.

You know what, little buddy? I am gonna find the perfect song

for our first car ride together.

Why is it so warm in here?

I told you, the AC is still broken.

- Oh, my God! - Don't scare him.

- He's peeing on me! - Whoa! Oh, yeah.

- Fields, take your dog right now. - I don't want him!

- I don't want him! - Hold on!

Take him right now. I swear to God.

Listen, I don't want his first five minutes with us to be traumatizing,

so just, like, let him do his thing.

This is the worst thing that has ever happened.

- He likes you. -

Why is there so much?

- - I don't...

Yeah. Wow. All right.

Maybe we shouldn't look.

Oh! Yeah! Okay.

Oh, a little bit more.

Okay, he's done.

Good boy! Good boy.

Good boys.

Very good boys. Both of you.

- I hate you. - You love me.

Time to take this fella home.

- -

Puppy coming through!

Puppy!

I got the VIP.

Oh, hi!

- I know. I know. I know. -

Hi!

You having fun, buddy?

Oh. You know this is all for you, right?

This is your homecoming.

This party is fun.

I cannot believe that all these people showed up for...

What is his name?

I don't know.

What is your name?

He gonked me on the head.

- He did what? - I mean... I mean bonked.

- Wait, that's it. - What is it?

- "Gonker." -

- Hey, yeah, he likes it. Gonker. - What is a gonker?

He's a Gonker.

Gonker! Gonker! Gonker!

Gonker! Gonker! Gonker! Gonker! Gonker! Gonker! Gonker!

We're gonna be late to class.

Take a deep breath,

and we're gonna glide into downward dog.

Ready?

Go. Go get it.

No, come back. Come back.

- Oh, go get it! Come on. -

Go, come on.

- Hey! Whoosh! -

Yeah, there you go!

There you go, buddy! Come here.

Yes! That's it, buddy! Bring it back.

Boosh! You guys see it? What did I tell you? The boy is talented.

I'm not opening a haunted house with you.

Wait. Did you guys hear about Lainey?

- What? - She got a job at Boeing. Six figures.

- No, stop. Really?

Wow. - Six figures? Like, in money?

- Yeah, and she gets to stay in Virginia. - Stop.

- I don't know anyone in St. Louis. - What's in St. Louis?

- My job. - Yeah.

I'm doing PR for Anheuser-Busch.

- I start in, like, two weeks. - You didn't know that?

- You're working for a beer company? - Dream job, right?

Wait, hold on. Do... Do you all have jobs?

Uh, yeah, bud, we do.

Kinda. We just, uh, didn't... didn't wanna say anything.

Well, okay. Wait, hold on now.

I'm... I'm not some loser who can't get a job.

I just... I don't know what job I can do yet,

so I gotta, like, figure that out first, you know?

Right. Isn't that kinda what the last four years were for, though?

Mmm...

- That's my parents. - Yes, it is.

- Uh, hide the beers. Good idea.

- Uh, we're 21. - It's 10:30 in the morning.

Good point.

- Fielding! - Hey, Mom.

Hi!

- Fielding! - Dad.

What... What are you guys doing here?

Well, I... I think my investment entitles me to see you in a robe and a funny hat.

Well, graduation's tomorrow.

Yeah. We told you that we were coming up the day before.

Right. Sorry. I forgot about that. I've, um, been busy.

Oh.

Yeah, I can see that.

Well, we have a surprise for you.

Oh.

Oh, a surprise!

Is that Peyton I see? Come here! What? Oh, my God.

W-What are you doing here?

You know, I took my last exam early

so I could fly out and see my bro get his parchment.

- Look at you. Best sister ever. - You know. I try.

- - Oh!

Whoa, Gonker! Sorry about that.

- That's okay. - Whoa, hey!

All right. - Whose dog is this?

He's...

It's a bad idea.

Okay, well, it's not an idea. It's a reality.

It's a mistake.

He's not a mistake. He's... He's my best friend.

You can't even take care of yourself, let alone another living being.

Okay, I take care of Gonker just fine.

So why's he drinking out of a beer bong?

He's not. That's a chemistry thing.

Come here, Gonker. Come on, buddy.

Come on, let's go.

- What kind of a name is "Gonker"? - He gonked me in the head.

I see you haven't recovered from the trauma.

Look, son, you're about to head out into the real world.

You're not gonna have any time to spend with Gonker.

What's he gonna do when you're at work all day?

"Work"?

Dad, come on.

Have you called Mr. Kobrenner?

Accounting? I suck at math.

Or Matt Price at Harper Lewis.

Dad, I'm not equipped to handle medical supplies sales.

Then what are you gonna do when, in 24 hours, this whole party ends?

Other than be back at home with Mom and Dad,

exactly where you were four years ago.

Come on, boy. -

Hi.

Uh, excuse me, sorry. Hey.

Uh, come on. Excuse me, sorry. Sorry.

Oh, Mom, Dad.