Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump

- This program is rated TV ma-l and contains strong language

and adult content.

Viewer discretion advised.

- This is the comedy central roast of Donald trump.

[Three 6 mafia's it's hard out here for a pimp]

- Let's go. - Starring...

No, you have to.

good morning, Mr. trump.

How are you?

Hello, everybody.

- I have a deal for you to finalize.

Good.

- Yeah, I'm getting him to the roast now.

- And your roast master Seth macfarlane.

- Ready? - They've got nothing on me.

- The comedy central roast of Donald trump.

And now please welcome your roast master,

Seth macfarlane.

Thank you.

Hey.

Thank you. Thank you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Seth mcfarlane,

and welcome to the comedy central roast

of Donald trump.

Or as Donald calls it, the trump comedy central

trump roast of Donald trump trump trump trump trump.

How do you prepare for a night like this?

Personally, I smoked a lot of pot.

And clearly don't give a shit about this show.

So I'm--I'm kind of the perfect host

for this roast or for the oscars.

Before we get started, though,

I do have some sad news.

Recently, the roast lost a very talented and beloved performer,

and it would be wrong not to acknowledge him

and to say how much he'll be missed.

Larry king died ten minutes ago.

Come on, Larry, you're old. Don't deny it.

Every time you lie, your balls grow longer.

And we've got some other familiar faces

up here on the dais.

We've got Whitney cummings and Lisa lampanelli.

Very nice.

Um, you ever play fuck, marry, kill?

Let's see, I think I would fuck Whitney,

marry Lisa, and kill myself.

And my friend marlee matlin

is here tonight.

It's fitting that marlee is here for the roast of trump,

because marlee is appearing on the new celebrity apprentice.

She will be competing for a charity

that's yet to be announced,

but will probably be some deaf bullshit.

What does that-- what does that mean?

What am I doing?

And snoop dogg is here. Wow.

Hey.

Now, snoop, be honest, please.

When you were backstage, did you...

You know, blow Jeff Ross?

- Yes. Yes, he did.

- Okay. I'm gonna remember that.

- Now, since our man of the hour was foolish enough

to agree to this, let's get started making

one more piece of garbage with Donald trump's name on it...

And take a look back at some of his other bad decisions.

My name is Donald trump.

The name is hot, and it sells.

I own everything--

jetliners, golf courses...

I own virtually everything.

No matter where I go in the world, people want me.

So I had a lot of success. Success.

Success. I believe in bragging about yourself.

- Do you name things after yourself because you're afraid

you won't be able to find them?

- It's my real hair, believe it or not.

You know, it's actually mine.

I know it's not a hairpiece,

but I have no idea what it is.

- Looks like you killed a squirrel to me

and put it right on top of your head.

- It's the Rosie O'Donnell- Donald trump war,

and it's on. - Rosie O'Donnell's disgusting.

I'd look her right in that fat, ugly face,

and I'd say, "Rosie, you're fired."

I'm gonna fire the asses off

each and every one of 'em.

You're fired. You're fired.

You were the project manager,

and you lost, and I didn't like what you did.

- It is gonna be a nightmare.

Joan is not gonna be happy.

Frankly, if you were running a company,

you'd destroy that company.

You're fired. You're fired. You're fired.

- You know, it felt good to fire someone.

- It's actually fun, isn't it?

I still love you.

- Please welcome the second worst tragedy

ever to hit New York City.

Ladies and gentlemen, Donald j. Trump.

[Bachman-Turner overdrive's takin' care of business]

wow.

nice.

Whoa.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

- You know, it's good to see you, Donald.

We've just met, but it's good to see you.

Tonight, we honor a self-made millionaire.

He started with nothing, worked hard,

and made a fortune.

That man is Fred trump, Donald's dad.

That's right.

For all of his self-starter bullshit,

he's basically Jaden Smith with a comb-over.

You're a grown man.

You got hair like Dennis the menace.

What's going on here?

Did you--did you fall headfirst into a cotton candy machine?

What happened?

Um, by the way, the producers have asked me

to interpret that last joke for the handicapped person

on our stage.

Duh, hey, situation...

[Laughter, cheers, and applause]

Rich guy have funny hair.

And, Donald, as long as I have you here,

it's pronounced "huge," not "yuge."

And here's another one.

It's pronounced, "I am fucking delusional,"

not "I am running for president."

That's right. Trump says--

he says he's gonna run for president in 2012.

But if his plan for America

is to fire everyone, he's about two years too late.

But for me,

it's kind of tough to vote for a guy

whose resting facial expression is "who farted?"

He also sells trump cologne,

and, fellas, that stuff can really get you laid.

Basically, you pour it onto a cloth

and press it to a woman's face until she...

Stops struggling.

But even when you're born with a silver spoon in your mouth,

hard times can strike,

and that's just what happened to Donald.

He was even forced into the ultimate act of degradation--

starring in his own reality show.

And soon the top-rated TV show in the nation

starred a total asshole torturing people

who were stupid enough to work with him.

In addition to two and a half men,

the apprentice was also a pretty popular show.

This guy has an ego.

When trump bangs a supermodel,

he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off.

All jokes aside, though,

I was thrilled when they offered me

the opportunity to roast such a brilliant, charismatic,

totally self-made billionaire who I believe

will one day run this country.

Then the Facebook guy cancelled,

and we got stuck with your bloated ass.

So congratulations on your big night, Mr. trump.

And now, Donald, let's get

our first roaster up here to knock you down