Family Guy

Well, Lois, the Socks got destroyed.

Don't worry about me driving. The cops don't have jurisdiction over yards.

It's like international waters.

- Lois? - Peter! In here!

Peter, I've been up here for three hours.

Oh, this happens to me all the time.

The floor isn't lava. That's just a show.

No, I saw a huge, disgusting spider on the floor.

You should have heard her before, going on and on

about how she'd definitely win on "Survivor."

- Pathetic. - Oh, god, kill it

before it goes back behind the fridge!

Wait, wait, wait! Actually, don't.

But spite is a precious for some stupid reason that I can't remember.

Just... Just put it outside.

Oh, wow.

- Who is this guy? - I know, right?

I was very brave for a boy my age.

No, Peter, I'm talking about that hat,

all turned around.

You look like LL Cool J when you do that.

Captain Patrick Zevo from "Toys"?

Ah, Peter, your cultural references are a mess.

Just toss the spider and meet me upstairs.

Thanks for getting me sex, spider.

Now go, be free!

Aw, that's sad.

But at least whenever a nature thing happens,

David Attenborough has to narrate it.

The spider becomes a tragedy in nature's cruel circle.

Unmoved, the obese mammal returns to his den for procreation.

No! Leave it on.

Oh. Mmm. Oh. Ah.

Ah, yeah, you like this hat?

Oh, Peter, it's like I'm doing the Linkin Park guy who killed himself.

Chester Bennington?

No, no, no, don't say the name. The name ruins it.

Oh, Peter!

Oh, Peter.

Frances!

Did... Did you just say "Francis"?

I don't know what I said, Lois. It was the '90s.

It was 10 seconds ago.

Oh, right. I'm just so used to getting out of jams with that.

Peter, did you just yell out your dead father's name

while we were having sex?

Holy crap, I think you're right!

I guess I must have thought about my old man Francis

for a second while we were doing it.

Wow.

So where were we?

No, Peter. I just...

I need a minute.

Leave that.

Hey, Peter, wanna see a meme

that everyone but me saw 10 years ago? Look.

Now, what color do you think this dress is?

No, thanks, Joe, not in the mood.

There you go, boys.

- Thanks, Frances. - You're the best, Frances.

Thank you kindly, Miss Frances.

If you need me, just yell my name.

That Frances sure is something else.

Hey, Peter, what's the matter?

Well, Lois and I were having drunk, backwards-hat sex last night,

and right in the middle, I yelled out "Frances."

- I was thinking about that new waitress. - Oh, boy.

But Lois thinks I meant "Francis," as in my dead dad.

Well, I suppose that was a fair assumption.

Your dad was pretty hot.

I should probably come clean, huh?

Just tell her that I wasn't thinking about my dad,

but rather a very attractive younger woman

who I often see in an unsupervised setting

and to whom I've often lied and said I'm unmarried.

- Lois will get it, right? - No way, Peter.

I saw gold, some saw blue.

Yeah, you're much better off with Lois

thinking you yelled out dead-dad Francis...

- As sick as that is. - As sick as that is.

Than her knowing you were thinking about hot-chick Frances.

You guys are right.

I guess I can never tell Lois the truth.

But that's okay.

I'm not the first person with a dirty sex secret.

Wow! I can see why they call you

Catherine the Great.

Thanks.

And hey, do you mind not telling your friends about this?

I mean, if this gets out, it'll be the only thing I'm remembered for.

Oh, for-for sure. Totally. I got you.

That better be the sound of normal trotting

and not horse high-fives.

- It's normal trotting. - Normal trotting.

- Normal trotting. - I was in a parade.

We now return to "Wonka," starring Timothée Chalamet.

This Chalamet kid thinks he's hot stuff now, but just wait.

He's gonna be one of those actors

who never takes his shirt off, like Patrick Dempsey.

Yeah, I... W... What?

I'm just saying, the guy never takes his shirt off.

But Chalamet has taken his shirt off.

All right, takes his shirt off now,

but trust me, in a few years, he's gonna stop doing it,

- just like Dempsey. - So...

are-are you saying you want him to take his shirt off?

No, I just... Uh, Chalamet's just...

Y... I'm just saying, he's being a total Patrick Dempsey.

- What? - I don't know, he confuses me.

Peter, there you are. Look, I need to talk to you about

what happened last night, you know, saying "Francis."

I think you should see a therapist.

What? Why?

You might have some feelings about your father

that you still need to process.

After all, you did fall off a unicycle

and crush him to death.

It sounds far-fetched, but that's literally what happened.

Plus, he was always very distant.

Lois, I don't know what mental health TikTok has led you to believe,

but I swear to you, it was just your run-of-the-mill,

dead-dad-named-during-sex brain fart.

I'm totally fine.

Wait, hold on there, Peter.

Therapy could do you worlds of good.

For example, thanks to my therapist,

I no longer need a bowl that says "good boy" on it

to know that I'm a good boy.

Would I like one of those bowls?

Sure. But do I need it?

I don't know.

I...

I don't know.

Fine, Peter. If you want to therapy,

then maybe we can get to the bottom of it

with my tarot cards.

Okay, let's see.

A knife, an open field,

and Lorena Bobbitt.

Oh. I wonder if that means...

Oh, no, no, no, I-I'll do the therapy.

- You win. - Wonderful.

This is a big step, Peter.

Brian, what are all these Petco links?

I need the Good Boy bowl, or I'm bad.

So basically, I realize that there's some big feelings

inside Peter about his deceased father

that he's clearly trying to work through,

and that's why he's here today.

All right, well, with the two minutes we have left,

maybe he can speak?

Peter, can you tell me a bit about yourself?

Oh, boy. Uh, what is there to say?

I met an astronaut once...

not a good one, not one of the moon ones.

Now that I think of it, was he an astronaut?

He may have been a firefighter.

You know what? He was a firefighter.

He had the day off on 9/11. That, I remember.

And you know what? He drove a Chevy Astro.

That's what was confusing me.

But to sum up, met a firefighter, drove a Chevy Astro,

didn't help on 9/11.

Uh... Oh, and I guess I wanna bang my dad.

Hmm. Interesting.

May I see a picture?

Oh. Wow.

And do you have any shirtless pictures of him?

Or was he more of a Patrick Dempsey?

- What? - Total Dempsey.

Zero shirtless pics post-40.

I see. Well, this is very serious.

This kind of outburst suggests major,

unresolved feelings surrounding your father,

as well as around your role as a father yourself.

- Called it! - For starters,

you'll need to build much stronger relationships with your own children.

That'll be the first step towards finding closure.

Agh! Just tell me the absolute least I'm allowed to do

and I promise I will almost do it.

No, Peter. You'll need to treat this

like a second full-time job,

where nobody pays you and your family members are all your boss.

Perfect. Thank you, Doctor.

We'll get right to work.

I stored my number, in case you need to reach me.

I've also signed you up for my joke-of-the-week newsletter.

Oh, hmm. Okay...

I'd like to opt out of that.

Yes, I bet you would.

Oh, and Peter, before I forget, are you just...

- gay? - I'm not gay.

Okay. You'd be surprised how often that happens.

Twenty minutes in, we figure that out and boom, we're done.

Kids, we have an announcement.

Your dad is on a journey to deal with his father issues.

So, as part of his treatment,

he'll be spending some quality time with each of you.

And just as a goof, I think we should all do name tags.

Is this gonna be stuff you wanna do