Lovejoy

It's Czech.

Woolworth's used to sell these for thruppence. That's about what they're worth now.

I think we've got time for one more, haven't we, Mr. Cobbold?

Hm.

Do you remember me? I brought you the Staffordshire dogs last month

- which you said weren't. - Yes, Mrs. Er...?

- Ives. - Mrs. Ives. And what is it today?

I'm not quite sure. My late husband said it was a guinea pouch.

Yes, it isn't.

Then what is it?

Well, it's made of linen and calfskin.

Have we stumped you, Lovejoy?

Well, only for the right words, Mrs. Bannerman.

It's not a pouch.

Actually, it's an early contraceptive device.

Dealers call them guinea pouches or sovereign purses in order to sell them.

- Not a lot of call for antique rubber johnnies. - (Laughter)

Unhappily, this is the last roadshow we shall have with Mr. Lovejoy

as he's off to pastures new at the end of the week,

leaving us enriched and stimulated.

You go with the knowledge that all the members of the Wisley Green Women's Institute

have enjoyed you immensely.

I don't think that came out the way she meant it.

Ooh, thank you.

I have enjoyed these quiet afternoons.

Surrounded by nice people talking about their hydrangeas and swapping chutney recipes.

Makes a welcome change from the conniving backstabbing avaricious alcoholics

that populate the antique trade.

- Shall we? - Why not.

Do you believe this? Lovejoy, banged up.

Wrongly, as it happens.

This weather'll keep the punters away.

Fewer bids, cheaper prices.

Look at this, 178.

16th century Elizabethan miniature.

- Oh, that's quite lovely. - Mm.

Possibly Hilliard. Do you feel palpitations in your chest?

Do you hear the chime of heavenly bells in your lugholes, Lovejoy?

Yeah.

Then it obviously is a Hilliard.

Unless it's that.

- Hideous! - Not from where I'm standing.

A bit glossy for the shires, wouldn't you say?

Hm?

- You interested? - (Foreign accent) Excuse me?

Are you thinking of making a bid?

I'm not sure. It's listed as Chippendale.

- I can't place it. - Surely, 18th century?

No, the accent. I know it's EEC, I just can't think where.

- I am from Holland. - Long way from home.

- I live in London. - If you've come for a bargain, this isn't it.

Look. See where these screw holes have been filled in?

- But it's oak. - Yeah, nicked from a World War I cupboard.

See how much paler the shrinkage lines are round the edges?

- Thank you, Mr...? - No "Mr.", just "Lovejoy".

- Lovejoy Antiques. - Renata Van Der Zee.

Well, Renata, you've picked a very bad day. Most of this stuff is from Granny's attic.

You'd be better off in the snug of the White Hart Hotel. Shall we?

Oh, erm... I'll catch up with you, OK? Don't break the bank on the Hilliard.

You can't afford lunch in the White Hart Hotel with a woman of her taste.

We're going Dutch.

You could argue, I suppose, that I've done a few shady things so it all equals out.

But you didn't have to spend eight months here sleeping next to a tattooed biker called Mavis.

I've read a lot. And I've started writing a book - on Spode.

But mostly I've wondered who set me up. Now, I'm not thinking about revenge,

I'm wondering if there's any money involved, and if so, where's mine?

Come on, Lovejoy, let's have you. We need the bed!

- (Sighs) - I'll miss you, Lovejoy.

I'll miss you too, Mavis.

Thanks for the Motorhead t-shirt.

- Ta-ta! - See you, Lovejoy.

I hope not.

Oh, Janey!

- Oh, it's good to see you. - It's good to see you.

I didn't expect this, I'm touched.

I was vaguely in the area looking at a horse so...

It's appreciated.

And so were your letters - the schoolgirl scrawl and the hint of lavender on the notepaper.

Perhaps a hint of lavender's a little dangerous in prison.

Well, I read about it. Pig farm.

I must say, you look awfully well.

Haven't had a drink for eight months and I've played a lot of tennis.

Tennis?! Really? That's scandalous.

- Why? - Well, people do go to prison to be punished

it seems rather inappropriate that they play tennis.

If it's any consolation we didn't have ballboys.

As soon as I make some money I'm gonna donate a net.

We'll both have the smoked salmon and then the lamb. OK?

- Your treat, Janey. - Thank you, ma'am.

Now, have you given any thought as to where you're going to live?

Tinker's offered me a bed but I think I might stay at the Cross Keys for a few nights.

There is the possibility you could have one of our estate cottages. Could be quite nice.

But Alexander's not going to be terribly keen.

Why? He's always known there's nothing going on between us.

All the same, he is a J.P. And you are now a convicted felon.

What was the charge, again?

Trading in stolen goods!

Oh, yes, I think one or two of the bigger dealers might be a little bit wary.

It'll be dead easy to get credit. My liquid assets are nonexistent.

All this sounds horribly familiar.

You've always been broke and you've always had a tarnished reputation.

- Whoever set me up used that. - What?

They needed someone in the trade whose reputation was a bit iffy.

Thank you.

- Thank you. - When this ghastly business happened,

Alexander and I were in America but when I heard about it

I have to be honest, I didn't immediately presume that you were innocent.

That really hurts.

But then, of course, when I thought about it, I realized you had to be.

- Would you like some horseradish? - No, not with salmon.

- I love it. Could I have the horseradish? - Certainly, ma'am.

Oh, and the, um...

Yes, ma'am.

I did hear, without any great surprise, that there was a woman involved.

About a week after I met Miss Holland in King's Lynn... she called me.

Asked me to drive over to Oxfordshire.

She had a business proposition and she was sure the trip would be worth my while.

- Good morning. You're very punctual. - Hope you've got the kettle on.

- You own this place? - I'm a partner.

I'm not here every day.

- Where is he then? - If you're as gifted as people say,

you'll find it.

Om-ni-om-ni... Cold.

Om-ni-om-ni-om-ni... Getting warmer.

Om-ni-om-ni-om-ni...

Getting very warm. It's the Jacob, isn't it?

Good old Georgie Jacob.

I saw one of these before. They don't often turn up in sale rooms. Where'd you find it?

Someone who's paying off his father's death duties.

I've paid a deposit. He wants 35,000.

- Bite his hand off. - Excuse me?

It means make the deal fast. Who is this guy?

I don't think I should tell you. You might offer him 40.

- Probably would if I had the money. - I've spoken to a man in Antwerp.

He wants to see it. I would like you to take it there.

- Moi? - I'll pay £500 advance against 5% commission.

Why is it that whenever people want me to do something for them

there's always a little wrinkle attached?

You were hoping I'll sell this before you have to pay the balance?

- Do you have a problem with that? - Just don't tell him it's leaving the country.

You could leave the country in the morning and be back tomorrow night.

- Customs would want to see a bill of sale. - I'll give you one.

Why don't you come with me? You can keep an eye on it and me.

You're a dealer, Lovejoy, that's your business.

And you will make a better deal than me.

- Yeah. - Yes?

Yeah.

Next day I was in Belgium, after the customary nightmare trip

on a British car ferry full of crying babies and vomiting yobs.

Made for Napoleon, you say?

A present for Josephine. Probably find one of her hairpins in that drawer.

The veneer is a little cracked.

I'd be more suspicious if it wasn't.

It is rather nice.

Isn't it?

I'm tempted.

Good.

I might have to do a little restoration.

Well, I wouldn't do too much if I was you.

I may have it on my hands for some time.

- (Tuts) - Well, it won't lose its value, will it?

I am tempted.

Look... there's bound to be some Ping Pong involved in this deal

so throw out a figure and we'll start from there.

I'm only here for the day.

75,000.

- Belgian francs? - US.

What's that in sterling?

I think today's rate is 1.67.

1.65.

Almost £45,500.

Is that a Flemish joke?

I think that's a very reasonable offer.

Darling, put on a large pot of coffee. We're only at the dawn of these negotiations.

Lovejoy has returned.

With a bottle of Bols for you, Tink. And...

- these are for you, Eric. - Ahh.

- Chocolates. - Belgian chocolates.

In the shape of sea shells.

But I don't eat chocolate. Or shellfish.

Fine. I'll have a large Scotch, and fill these two up.

- Are we celebrating? - We certainly are, my old son.

I have here a check for the delightful Miss Van Der Zee, to the tune of £57,000,

- which means she owes me £2,850. - (Tinker whistles)

These are splendid times we live in.

Yeah, and all I get is a box of chocolates.

I shall invest in a bottle of Moet and a can of assorted nuts.

Coming round, is she, to show her gratitude?

Whatever she shows will be worth looking at.

Hey! Oi! Hey!

- Did she turn up? - No, didn't even telephone.

Hm. It's not often Lovejoy gets a no-show, is it?

Especially when I've got 57 grand waiting for them.

So after a couple of days I went looking for her.

- Hello. - (Both) Good morning.

I'm looking for a Miss Van Der Zee.

Van Der Zee? That's a very unusual...

Name, isn't it? Dutch, I imagine.

Er, Renata Van Der Zee.

Renata? Don't think I've ever known a Renata.