Mrs Brown's Boys

Grandad wants to hear all the nice things said about him at his funeral.

At his own funeral, his own feckin' funeral.

So I suggested we have a pretend funeral and let Grandad,

you know, hear them.

We better ask the corpse.

Grandad. How would you like to die on Friday?

Friday is grand.

Friday it is, then.

- Bye, Grandad. - Don't talk to him, he's feckin' dead.

- What's this? - It's Grandad's death certificate.

- You don't need a death certificate. - Oh, yes, I do.

He's due €15,000 from his union the day he dies.

He's retired 15 years, I'm flipped if I'm waiting any longer.

Let us take a moment to remember him.

Would anybody like to say a word in his memory?

Okay, then.

Has nobody anything good to say?

- He's... He's not dead! - No, he's not. He's alive.

Oh, my God, it's a miracle. It's a miracle, Father!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.

Winnie, put the kettle on, I just want to do Grandad's feet.

Hello. Give me a minute. I'll be with you in a couple of minutes.

Grandad, are you ready for your pedicure?

Ah, good man, give me a second.

Well, no sign of a flat yet for Dermot and Maria,

but they are looking.

Agnes, can I ask you a stupid question?

Better than anyone else I know.

- Why do crabs walk sideways? - So they can do their song.

What?

Ah, right.

Well, you can't blame Dermot and Maria for wanting to move out.

The house is crowded enough as it is, with Trevor home.

But you don't mind sleeping in the bath, do you, Grandad?

Foot!

- I love The Blue Planet. - And I'm sure it loves you right back.

- No, the programme on the telly. - Oh, right.

Did you know penguins mate for life?

Of course they do. Sure, they all look the same.

They're hardly going to leave for a feckin' better-looking one.

I suppose.

It would be nice if Trevor could stay for the big event.

Oh, I never told you. The big event. Maria's pregnant.

It's so feckin' exciting.

How's Sharon, Winnie?

- Don't ask. - Why? What's up?

- She has no boyfriend. - What happened?

They wanted different things. Sharon wanted the big white wedding dress

- and the honeymoon in the Caribini. - And what did he want?

He wanted to break up.

Well, that is feckin' different.

Oh, I'd better go. Get her up.

- I'll call in later. - Oh, me life will be empty till then.

- Morning, Mammy. Morning, Winnie. - Hello, love.

How are you, Cathy? How is your Dick?

It's Mick.

- And how are things there? - Grand, thanks, Winnie.

- How's Sharon? - She's not great.

Jeez, better go, she'll be late.

I'll call over later and see if she's okay.

Who's the letter from?

The insurance company, about Grandad's insurance.

They say they want to investigate his death.

- Why would that be? - Let me think.

Maybe because he's not dead?

I blame Grandad. I told him, "Stop collecting your pension."

But would he listen? No.

This is serious, Mammy.

They're alleging fraud. You could go to prison.

Piss off!

I'd better go.

Don't touch me. Dead man walking.

Grandad, now remember, if anybody calls,

- you're dead. - Okay.

- Winnie? - Yes, Agnes?

Give us me flapper.

- I'm dead. - Don't feckin' move.

Ahh!

Fastest flapper in the west.

- Good shot, Agnes. - Ah, thanks, Winnie.

Ah, Jesus, you should clean this thing, Agnes.

I tried, Winnie. You can't get most of it off.

I'm sure I have stuff that would clean this.

One of the products they sent me to test.

- I'll do it right now. - Thanks very much, Winnie.

Cathy! Cathy, get that door will you, please.

- Ah, Mammy, I'm doing me make-up. - It might be the insurance man

and I have to prepare Grandad. Come on, Grandad.

Get down.

Oh, for God's sake, Mammy.

He's supposed to be feckin' dead.

Go.

- Oh, it's you. - Jesus, Cathy, what happened to you?

Shut up, Buster Brady. I'm getting ready for a date.

With who? The Lone Ranger?

- Oh, get stuffed. - Hello, Mrs Brown.

Hello, Grandad.

- I'm dead. - Is Dermo here?

No.

Did you not get your insurance money yet, Mrs Brown?

Not yet.

Oh, lovely. Two sugars, please.

Don't be so feckin' cheeky. And what are you doing here anyway?

We haven't seen you since the Christmas party.

I just popped around to say hello.

Well, you've said it, now shag off.

I mean it, Buster Brady. Every time your name comes up, Maria gets upset.

And I don't want her upset, not now.

If she walks in that door and sees you sitting there, she'll go through the feckin' roof.

Oh, shite.

- How are you, Maria? - Don't feckin' wave.

Are you pregnant, Maria?

No, Buster, it's a cyst.

A cyst?

Yes, a cyst, a big lump of useless fatty tissue.

Oh, yeah. My Ma had one of them.

Yes, she feckin' did.

- Will you have a cup of tea, love? - Oh, I'd love one.

- And a biscuit or something. - And a biscuit.

- Thanks, Mrs Brown. - Maria, I wish you'd stop

calling me Mrs Brown. It's Agnes.

I'll have a biscuit, Agnes.

It's Mrs Brown to you. And ask properly.

Sorry. May I have a biscuit, please, Mrs Brown?

- That's better. - Thanks.

No.

Are you not talking to me, Maria?

Are you still upset about that little incident at the Christmas party?

Little incident? You stole my mother's handbag.

- I made a mistake, that's all. - What? You robbed it by accident?

Well, no, I didn't know it was hers.

All right, listen, I'm off. Will yous tell Dermo I called?

No.

Well, I'll just call around and see him tomorrow, so. See yous.

Maybe I was a little hard on him. Do you think does he still steal?

Are you kidding me? Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Well, he would if there was a bear chasing him.

- Thanks, Mrs Brown. - You're welcome.

Maria, get that door!

Grandad. Oh, Jesus Christ!

Okay, Plan B. Code Red. Code Red.

Hold on, Maria.

Go!

Hi, Mum.

Come in.

So, what are you doing here?

I just picked up the most beautiful mater...

...nity dress.

I just couldn't resist it. I wanted you to try it on.

Thanks, Mum. I'll try it on now.

Mrs Brown, it's my mother.

- Hello, Higgley, how are you? - Sore shoulder from the tennis. And you?

Itchy crotch from the golf.

Oh, well, a new baby. So exciting, isn't it, Agnes?

Well, yes, it is, but the excitement wears off after six.

I don't even think I went into hospital for the last one.

I just dropped it.

Oh, look, there's a baby, put it in the pram.

Great fashion eye, Mrs Nicholson. It looks really well on her.

It's lovely, Mum, thank you.

- Cup of tea, Maria? - Sure. Tea, Mum?

No, thanks, I'm off. I'm playing golf in an hour.

Watch out for the...

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

I'll call over after work.

You were right, Agnes. Even my stuff didn't clean it.

Ah, hello, Mrs Nicholson.

- Hello, I'm just going. - Oh, here, Mrs Nicholson,

how do you clean dead flies off your flapper?

What?

I'll try bleach, Agnes. I'll dip your flapper in bleach.

Bleach? I must be off.

- It's such an exciting time, childbirth. - Well, I've been excited six times.

I only had Maria, but it was such a wonderful time.

- Jonathan was so generous. - That's nice.

When he found out I was pregnant, he bought me this diamond ring.

- That's nice. - And then, when I was five months pregnant,

he took me away for the weekend to Paris.

- That's France. - That's nice.

And then when Maria was born, he bought me a Mercedes-Benz.

- That's nice. - What did your husband buy for you?

He got me elocution lessons.

Didn't really work, did they?

Actually they did. I used to say, "Fuck off",

but now I say, "That's nice."

Yes, yes, I understand.

Yes, I'll tell her that.

- I'll pass that on. Goodbye. - Who was that?

A Mr Rooney, claims adjuster from Celtic Life Insurance.

- Oh. What does he want? - He wants to interview you.

- He's coming today. - I sent them in the death certificate,

that's all that matters.

And he knows he's dead. Don't you, Grandad?

- What? - You, dead.

Yeah, dead.

Mammy, look, this is really serious. You're not gonna get paid.

- Grandad is not dead. - That's just a technicality.

It says Cadbury's Chocolate on the side of buses, and they don't sell it.

I promised that money to Maria and Dermot.

To help get them started in a place of their own.