Kevin Can F**K Himself

Kevin and Allison, together forever.

Previously on "Kevin Can Himself."

Oh!

I killed him with oxycodone and then made it look like an O.D.

You'll have to wait till I re-up Monday afternoon.

-Thank you. -Worcester PD.

Everybody stay where you are.

My friend was hauled off in a pair of handcuffs,

and my stash is in an evidence bag somewhere.

Does that mean that you're --Dry, no pills.

I may have a connection in Vermont.

I think you should come with me.

Really? I need a car.

You can borrow Kevin's.We'll go together.

Anything good? Are we rich?

64 cents, 9 screws,

and a tooth with a very large filling.

Lemme see that.

No, not mine.

Nice tooth, though.

I really thought the park would have more good stuff.

Hey, what do you say we try your yard

after we have lunch, some beers, a nap, and dinner?

Neil, I love ya,

but it's high time we abandon your

get-rich-quick schemes in favor of a get-wealthy-fast idea

I recently had.

Sounds way better.

I'm listening.

We're gonna open our own escape room.

I've never heard of this thing,

which immediately makes me hate it.

An escape room is business idea, Dad.

People pay good money to be locked inside a room.

Plus, we can do it right here.

We already got a basement and a padlock.

That's what they call "low overhead."

Please don't lock anyone in my house.

Babe, we are discussing

business here, like titans of industry.

You wouldn't understand.

Kev, look at the first three letters

of the word "titans."

Kev. Kev. Kevin!

What, what, what?Where are the keys?

What -- What do you need the keys for?

For the car.

I'm taking Patty to the Beauty Expo.

Pretty sure I mentioned that to you last night.

And then again this morning.

I don't remember that, and I remember everything.

I must've forgotten to ask.

Ah, God, how could I forget?

I'm such an idiot.

Here I was, gonna get you guys a few handles of

tequila from the duty-free liquor store in New Hampshire.

Whoa. Hey, now.

If you need the car, you need the car.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

The keys are with the wall spoons.

Thanks, hon.

Okay, we need to think of a theme for our escape room.

Last thing -- I have a corned beef in the oven, so...

Yep, yep, and for advertising reasons,

the theme should probably rhyme with the word "room."

...I need you to take it out in a few hours, okay?

Okay, let's think.

What do people want desperately to escape from?

Escape...tomb.

Anybody hear me?

Escape womb. Gotta get outta there.

Ah. Too disgusting.

Alexa, can you please set the timer for

six hours from now?

Alexa: Six hours, starting now.

Whoa, what'd you get it going for?

The beef is in the oven.

I'm leaving now. Please don't burn down my house.

Geez, babe, sure.

Whoa, what do you need the keys for?

I can't.

I mean, Allison's cute and all,

but sometimes I think she thinks I'm an idiot.

I tell ya, being married really is...

I know that look.

Stroke!

Neil, you can't just scream out "stroke."

Fine. Genius stroke!No --

No, no, both of you, shut up.

I've got our theme.

Who wants to escape the most?

Just, like, drop everything and go AWOL?

Priests.Shawshank.

What?

No, and no.

There's a group of people who have it

even worse -- husbands.

Boys, we're gonna make an Escape Groom.

Escape Groom. Right?

You get it, Neil?

Nope.

Patty: One sec.

Jesus, Allison, just come on in.

Patty O'Connor?

Yeah.

Hello again.

Detective Tammy Ridgeway. Worcester PD.

Uh, sorry.

Have we --

Not officially.

I was at the pharmacy bust a few days back.

My partner took a statement from you.

Oh, right. Yeah, uh, Detective Abraham.

No. Just Bram. Bob Bram.

Uh, that's -- that's a cool name.

I just have a few follow-up questions.

You got a minute?

Sure.

Do you have any idea what that bust was about?

Well, you arrested a pharmacist, so I assume...arson?

Drug trafficking and money-laundering.

That's -- Geez, that's tough.

Yeah.

Guess he was supplying dealers locally.

Did you, uh -- did you know him, the pharmacist?

Yeah, we went to the same high school.

He was a band geek who'd aggressively make out

with his girlfriend in yellow hall.

And I'm not sure how helpful that is.

Well, it could be helpful since he's been filling

your prescription for about a decade.

Yeah, and the same guy's owned the gas station

at the corner my whole life.

I mean I see him a lot more,

and all I know about him is that he hands me

my cigarettes real well.

"Memoirs of a Geisha."

Any good?

No idea. Haven't read it yet.

Well, they made a movie out of it, right?

So how bad can it be?

It's next on my list.

You got a lot of books.

Yeah, uh, hey, I just remembered,

I-I'm running late for something.

Could we, um -- Sure thing.

Just in case, maybe wait a minute

before you go out of town.

Okay?

Yeah, you bet.

Hey. Hey.

Whoa, I'm driving.

It's my car.

No, it's Kevin's car.

And we're going four hours to meet my guy with the drugs.

Yeah, but the drugs are for me.

They're for Jared.

Jason.

Like "Friday the 13th."

No one's ever been scared of a guy named Jared before.

Okay.

They're for Freddy Krueger --

to get him off your back or whatever.

You like slasher films, too?

We're not bonding, okay?

And you're not driving 'cause you're like a tourist here,

and tourists should never be allowed to drive.

Gimme those.

Hope you have a strong bladder.

I don't make stops.

And we're off like a herd of turtles.

I'm going 60.

Fathead.

Oh, look at his plates. He's from North Dakota.

That's exotic.

Exotic?

Well, it's far. Better than here.

You think North Dakota's better than Worcester?

I mean, yeah, probably.

What about you?

Well, I have this theory.

Everywhere's bad.

North Dakota, Worcester, Florida --

nowhere's better than anywhere else.

They're all just bad in their own way.

Florida's humid.

North Dakota probably has,

I don't know, snakes or whatever.

I bet France has its shit.

So everywhere's bad?

Everywhere's bad.

I don't know.

I'd like to see different places.