Seamonsters

Hurry up!

It's just hard, innit!

It's supposed to be, mate.

What time is it anyway?

No. You know what I mean.

Girls!

Going up. Saying something.

It's embarrassing.

Leave it to me.

I'll sort you out with a woman.

Fuck off! I'm not stirring your custard.

Nah, you know what?

I wanna meet someone a bit different.

I wanna meet someone with half a brain for once.

What, round here?

Sam, this is slag town.

Ew! My foots just gone in. Man, that's weird.

You're all right. It's just a bit of sinkin' sand.

What?

Like quicksand?

Serious?

What, can it kill ya?

Not at the moment. It's too early.

Here. Grab that.

I fuckin' hate these.

Ragworms!

They're prehistoric.

We've only got an hour before the tide turns.

Well, what 'appens then?

Don't worry about it.

What d'ya mean, don't worry about it?

Of course I'm gonna worry about it.

Oh!

I'm freezin', man!

Can we go? What time is it?

It's half 4:00.

Half 3:00?

No, it's about half 4:00.

You serious?

Yeah, why? What's up?

Fuck! What?

Run, man!

Kieran, don't... Fucking come!

Don't leave... Don't be a bell end, it's not funny!

Kieran!

Ah, shit!

Fuckin' shit!

'Ere he is!

Wasn't funny, Kieran.

I could have died! You left me out there, you dick!

Cheer up, virgin.

I'm not a virgin.

And Sara Charrington doesn't count!

'Course it does.

She said you got a little bit too excited and...

Fuckin' hell!

Who else have you told about that?

'Ere.

Party pack.

What for?

To party!

Whoo!

Come on!

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE]

Hello.

Leave me alone. Kieran's over there.

And?

And go back to your boyfriend.

Want some cider?

I've got one.

You know, I love it when you can see the stars.

You know,

Kieran said

you might need a little bit of help with girls.

I mean,

that Sara Charrington thing, it is fine! What?

Oh, fuckin' hell!

It's fine!

It's normal.

It's normal!

You all right?

Where've you been?

Nowhere.

Where's nowhere?

Where's Sam?

Where you goin'?

Business!

Where you goin'?

Good work, Captain!

Ah, bollocks!

I need a suit.

Jesus! A suit's not gonna get you spuds deep.

You're not James Bond.

Nah. I've got that funeral in Newport.

Like, you're meant to wear black but I've got no black shoes.

Though I've got trainers.

See, they buy 'em.

What? Ragworms.

Who? Albanians.

When they're not stealing swans.

So how d'ya know where they live then, man?

We just knock on doors.

Normal people don't live here.

Just gypos and refugees.

Go on then, knock. You're knockin' on this one.

I told you, I'll go home if you get caught.

Excuse me...

Are you Albanian?

'Cause we've got worms.

You've got worms?

Yeah!

These... These are prehistorical these.

Lori!

Who? Stop laughing.

Oh!

Hello! Um...

We're lookin' for Albanians.

What's in the bucket?

These!

Pikey bitch!

I am so sorry about 'im. He's just a bit...

Fuck off!

You tit!

I still need a suit.

Job interview?

Only jobs round 'ere, mate, are at Pirate World.

Don't get a job at Pirate World.

It's too 'ard!

What do you see in it, man? Fishin'?

Will you shut up!

You're frightening the fish!

You're jokin'. Fish can't hear. They've got no ears.

They can sense vibrations.

Bollocks!

At least they're not stupid like you.

You know what?

A fish sees a nice worm

wiggling about and it thinks,

"I tell you what, I'll have that for my dinner."

So he goes for it

and gets a big fuckin' hook through its head.

Next thing you know, they're in a completely new universe

that they didn't know existed,

a big fuckin' monster's got 'old of 'im and he can't see,

they can't breathe and they freak out

because they know they're gonna die.

And then, all of a sudden, they're thrown back into their old world again.

But they're traumatized to fuck

with a big bastard hole in their head.

Next day, they see a nice worm wiggling about and they think,

"I tell you what, I'll have that for my dinner."

That is fuckin' stupid, Kieran!

Say fish aren't stupid! You what?

Fuckin' say it! Fuck off!

Say it,

or I'll kill ya. Fuck, man!

Fish aren't stupid. Jesus!

Now it's a good job I'm your mate.

Because I could have kicked your head in then.

But I'm a pacifist.

I don't fight. It's basically Neanderthal.

No, you're a dick!

At least I can spell my own fuckin' name!

Chill out, you bell end!

It's about this cup of tea. This sugar.

This spoon.

Right now. Forget the past!

Take Atlantis...

Atlantis?

A great civilization, sunk in just one day.

One day you're Vegas,

the next you're Atlantis.

On the bottom of the sea.

I just think you're out of order.

I was in Vegas for nearly two years, end of the '70s.

It's your own fault for being a bleedin' fascist,

or whatever it is you are.

I'm a pacifist, you daft twat.

That was until...

Where you goin'? The incident.

We had to flee for the border.

Look, I'm sorry about my mate. He's a knob!

Fuck off, worm boy!

What?

Pikeys? SAM: Oh, no, no, no, no. That's...

That's 'im, he just says stuff.

So if you're friend's such a knob,

why do you hang around with him?

Just... We're mates. He's like my best mate.

Are you blood brothers?

No!

Gay boys? No.

Yeah, well, thanks for that. Now, if you don't mind.

Right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, cool! See ya!

So, what she say?

I had a brother.

Lawrence.

What happened to him?

He's with God.

Dead?