Agatha All Along

Another beautiful day.

Hey, neighbor.

Surprised to see you out here, Detective.

There I was, sitting on my duff, playing Candy Crush, happy as a clam,

enjoying the fruits of my undeserved disciplinary action...

You punched a suspect.

Oh, now a convicted felon. I can't be right and wrong

-at the same time. -Yes, you can.

When the Chief calls and tells me, "Hibernation's over.

"Got a case only you can solve."

Direct quote.

So?

Jane Doe. Found her down here by the water.

Dispatch was tipped off by an anonymous call.

Mmm. Somebody didn't want her out here alone.

This is all she had on her.

What's this? From a library book?

Westview branch.

Mmm-hmm.

-Cause? -Blunt force trauma.

Not much of a drop around here. She fall?

-She was crushed. -By what?

Something big. And heavy.

So she didn't die here.

She is dead, though, isn't she, Herb?

Oh, she's really, most sincerely dead.

You never know.

Get samples from both.

Find something?

Nah.

They're set to roll her. You ready to see?

Let's go.

Who are you?

What happened to you?

You okay, Agnes?

How do you mean?

You don't seem like yourself.

Oh, yeah?

And who is that exactly?

I'll try to be more cheerful for you next time, Herb.

But right now this unidentified woman lying dead in a creek

has just got me down in the dumps.

Let me know when the dental records come in.

Ah. Official police business.

-Excuse me. -Hey.

-Excuse me. - Jeez.

You use that line at the supermarket checkout, too?

Only suckers wait their turn.

How can I help you, Agnes?

Found this on a victim.

Ooh. Who's the victim? Is she dead?

Now, why do you assume it's a woman?

-I don't know. Sounds more titillating. -

-There are no names on here. -But there are dates.

We don't use cards anymore. Everything's digital now. Sorry.

Well, thanks a bunch for your help, Dottie. You've been an absolute angel.

Incidentally, where were you last night

between the hours of 1:00 and 3:00 a.m.?

I guess I could run the book title.

Oh, can you?

"Dialogue And Rhetoric: Known History Of Learning & Debate, by Andrew Ugo."

Yeah, I'm thinking erotic thriller?

-Huh. -Huh, what?

This book wasn't checked out. It was stolen. Three years ago.

But we have plenty more copies in Natural Sciences.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

Yeah, I'll excuse you.

- There was a fire. -

Was everything destroyed?

Every last copy.

- Morning, Detective. - Good mornin'.

Wow.

-Thank you. -Glad to have you back, Agnes.

Glad to be back, Chief. And, no, I do not accept your apology.

Yeah, so, Agnes...

-You hear what happened at the library? -No, I...

-Somebody torched one of the stacks. -No.

-Like, took a flame thrower to it. -Oh, yeah?

I'll have one of the guys follow up. But listen, Agnes...

-You got a spot on your shirt. -Oh.

-And your tie. -Ah, cripes.

You makin' breakfast smoothies again, Chief?

You know you're supposed to put the lid on before you blend it.

Yes, I know. Um...

Listen, Agnes...

You're about to tell me somethin' I'm not gonna like.

Soil samples from under the fingernails and toenails of the Jane Doe came back.

They don't match the soil she was lyin' in.

That's no surprise. We assumed she'd been moved.

There were traces of a particular microbial sediment

only found in Eastern Europe.

Now get to the part I'm not gonna like.

Here I am.

Okay.

Fancy dirt always attracts the attention of the Feds.

Agent Vidal is an asset here, Agnes.

More brain power and more resources mean you get to the finish line faster.

Strength in numbers.

-Teamwork makes the dream... -Eat my ass, Chief.

- -I'll leave you to it, then.

-It's been a long time. -What are you doing here?

My job.

You wanna take control of my investigation.

No.

If you wanna be in control, you can be.

She...

The body was moved across state lines. Is that your play?

Is this really how you see yourself?

Sure. Let's talk about the case.

What are your theories? How'd she end up in the ravine?

No drag marks. Thinking the perp carried her.

Uh... Seems logical. But you don't really believe that because... Oops.

No tracks for the perp.

Not a leaf disturbed before Forensics showed up.

It's almost like she just magically appeared.

Let's stick to reality here, yeah?

-Sure. -If there's one thing we can agree on,

it's that these cases are always about the place.

The specific small town,

the history of it, the people in it, the secrets buried beneath it.

That's where the answers lie.

Well, who better to solve the mystery than one of Westview's very own?

Yeah, you've lived here your whole life.

Isn't that true... Agnes?

I don't want you here.

Oh, it's real, all right. And it's a beaut.

Where'd you get it?

Mind your beeswax, Norm. Where's it from? How old is it?

North American. New England, maybe.

Late 17th century, I guess. It's made from cowrie shell.

What's a cowrie?

Sea snail.

And these hotties here. That's Triple Goddess.

Maiden, Mother, Crone.

-What, no Working Professional Goddess? -

Oh, hello.

Looks like your brooch is a locket.

You looking to sell it, Agnes?

How much you offering, Norm?

For you?

Two hundred.

Great. Now I know where to start the bidding on eBay.

Good to see you, too, Agnes.

Go home, Agnes.

I am home, Chief.

-Hey! -Go home.

Stupid dog.

What?

Did you know that it is a universally-acknowledged truth

that a lady cop cannot be good at her job

and have a healthy personal life at the same time?

Hungry?

- - So she's a rookie, granted,

but I say to her,

"Has the suspect been seen in the last 24 hours?"

And she says, "Only on TikTok."

And then I say, "Well, did you learn anything?"

And she says,

"That I was totally using the wrong foundation brush."

Anyway...

I have a lead in the case.

That's not why I came over.

But go ahead.

There was a car wreck, about an hour before time of death.

-Where? -Eastview.

Eastview?

See, I thought you turned into a pumpkin that far afield.

Hey, I travel. I'm worldly.

Where have you traveled?

Okay, so what about the car wreck?

Bloodstain in the back seat.

You think that's how they moved her?

Front two airbags deployed.

-Maybe two perps? -Maybe.

- -But you don't like it.

My gut tells me they're related,

but I can't shake this feeling I'm seeing it wrong.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Do you remember why you hate me?

No.

Are you hiding evidence?

No.

Well, you're only lying to yourself.

- -

Hey! What are you doing?

What did you take?

You gotta be kidding me.

Don't move! Freeze! Here we go.

Whoa!

Crap, crap, crap.

Hey! Where are you...

Stop! Police!