Cavendish

- Hey, man. - Hey.

- What you working on? - I'm taking over

this advice column while the writer's on vacation.

- Oh, cool! - Yeah. This... this reader wants

to know if he should quit his job to pursue his dream

- of stand-up comedy. - Yeah, that's a no, right?

Yeah, I wrote, "No." That's it so far.

- That's all I have. - I think that's all you need.

- I think that's enough. Yeah. - Yeah.

Just push him off that path. Man, this sounds like a really good gig for you.

- Thanks. Yeah. - No, I'm serious.

I mean, you give good advice, and you're a good writer,

and you're thoughtful and smart. Plus, also nice and generous.

- Okay, what's this about? - Well...

the carnival is in town,

and I sort of don't have money at the moment,

and Dad and Ruth are still in Summerside.

- There it is. - So I was hoping

that you could give me some money

to go to that, please.

- No. - Please, man.

Please! It's so good this year. They got a freak show tent.

Andy, some of these freaks are out of this world.

They got the tallest boy in the Maritimes under 12.

They have the world's oldest Red Hot Chili Peppers fan.

I'm not lending you any money. What happened to all those gigs that you used to do?

I don't know, my sources dried up,

and I blew the last of my savings on my Rude Guy t-shirts.

- Have I shown you those? - No.

I'm actually wearing one right now if you want to have

a gander. There you go. Haha! There he is.

- I'll sell you this one if you want it. 30 bucks. 40? 50? - No.

- No, you keep going up. - $60.

- Mark, you need a job. - Hmm!

You need to get a real job. That way, you can use the money that you make to do

- the things you like. - Andy, I wouldn't know how to get a job even if I wanted one.

Now, that is something I can help you with.

- What the hell is this little self-satisfied display? - Trying to help you.

That's awful. Never do that face again.

Well, we are hiring.

Are you both applying for the job?

No, I'm just here for support. It's Mark's first interview,

and I just want to make sure he doesn't blow it.

He's not wrong to worry about that. In many ways,

I do not want this job, but in other ways,

the money, I do want it.

Oh, wow, that is a refreshingly honest answer.

Okay, let's look at this resume.

- You've used a very large font. - Yeah.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, that's just to emphasize his strengths.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also,

just to be completely honest,

it is not that much stuff on there.

The bigger font just kind of makes it look like more stuff.

Yeah. Another very honest answer.

Thank you so much. Hey, if you like honesty,

Mayor Breeley, I can honestly...

...just lay it all out for you right now,

- put my cards on the table. - Oh! Okay.

I'm a lazy guy, and he gets mad about it,

- but not a lot he can do. - I do. I do.

I also will show up late. It's mostly a power move

that I kind of put out there if I'm ever feeling small,

and I want to assert my dominance. You know,

see what they do about it. Fire me if you want, you know.

I don't give a s...! Pay me first.

- Okay... - Oh, he also has

- his CPR certificate. - Yeah, but that stands

for Cool Prankster Rascal.

You said that was for first aid.

Yeah, 'cause I was pranking you like a cool rascal.

I cannot believe she offered you that job.

Yeah, well, I'm a charismatic guy, Andy. I told you I win people over.

Anyway, it doesn't matter, I'm not taking the job.

- What? Why? - Because I wouldn't get paid

until Friday, and by that time, the carnival would already be gone.

Okay, alright. Well, we'll apply for a job at a bar, get some tips.

- I'm done playing around, man. I just wanna go to the carnival. - Yeah, but if you go

- to the carnival, you won't have any money. - I will figure it out, Andy.

I always do. I'm a sneaky guy, I'm resourceful.

A problem solver. Trust me, when I put my mind to things, I...

Oh, man, I can't get this tie off. How do I get this tie off?

- Just pull it. - For real though, I can't.

- Let me try it. - I'm making it way tighter, and it hurts me very badly.

It's making me choke, and I can't breathe.

- It's okay. - Thank you. Jesus!

Ugh! No, you hold it, I hate it. See you later.

Do you wanna go faster?

Okay, Mark, show time.

Excuse me, Ma'am, do you have any tickets

you could spare? Any tickets at all? Some money?

It's not for me. It's for my kid who's really sick. He wants

- to ride the Himalaya. No? - Sorry.

Do you have any tickets or money you could spare?

- Sorry, man, I only carry a day pass. - Right. Got you.

Oh, Bryn! Bryn, Bryn, Bryn, Bryn! Stop!

- Can I borrow some money? - No, I already spent it all on my pass.

- I'm gonna see the furry twins. - What's the furry twins?

Two twins completely covered in fur.

Right. So like part of the freak show or something?

No, Mark, they run the tilt-awhirl.

They're not freaks, they're perfect. They're perfect.

We're almost there. Just a little calibration and...

- Hey, Dr. Green. - Oh, hey.

You don't have a couple bucks I could borrow, do you?

I'm sorry, Mark, I've already spent $200 here.

- $200? Where's all your prizes? - You know, I didn't win a one,

but I can't seem to stop.

You know, I think I may have a gambling problem.

I did not know that about myself.

Right. Well, are you putting back spin on your throws?

- Do you want to take a shot? - Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell you what, give me a cut of your prizes.

- Okay. - For real.

Yes, that's... that's fine, yes.

Aaah... alright.

AAAH! AAAH, look at this guy!

- I know him, I know him. - Told ya.

Ooh, yeah! Oh,

- Dr. Green? - Ha ha ha ha!

Alright. Kid, do your thing.

My man.

Come on now. Papa needs a new...

potato guy.

I peeked a little. I peeked a little. Okay.

There you go, pal. Why don't you go give that

to a sexual partner of your preference at school, okay?

No judgment. Under 18.

- Hey, man. - Someone wants a word.

Yes, alright, cool. Dr. Green, if I don't come back, call the police, please.

Thank you, Jethro. Please, take a seat.

- My name is Marni. - Hi.

- That's Jethro. - Hi, Jethro.

- This is Evangeline. - You're very good at,

how you say... the ball toss?

You have won many potato men.

Well, I mostly gave 'em away.

I just like to play.

Cut this crap! Your playing is our profit.

Easy, Evangeline. Just put the knife away.

She's really into knives right now. It's a whole thing.

- Right. - So...

- ...how long you been a carny? - Oh, I'm not a carny.

I'm a... I guess, a carnival enthusiast.

Well, that makes things kind of difficult for us.

We let you run around here all weekend, we're not gonna have any prizes

- left when we hit the next town. - Right.

Well, you really don't have to worry about that.

I don't even have any money, so...

Yeah? How would you like some?

I would like some very much. Yes, please.

- Any amount. - Alright.

I'm prepared to offer you a job.

- Are you serious? - Hm.

You want to give me a job? You don't wanna see my resume

or anything like that? 'Cause it's bad.

As long as you haven't been convicted of any major crimes...

Sweet! Sorry, um,

- how major are we talking about? - Major.

Then, I am almost certainly clean.

Great. Evangeline will show you around.

Thank you so much! Thought I was gonna

get killed when I came in here; This is way better.

Hey, step right up! Step right up!

Five bucks gets you three balls! Six bucks gets you three balls

plus I get a dollar. Oh-oh! Good deal for me.

Hiya, Mark. Great job earlier.

Look, you gotta spot me a couple of throws.

Dr. Green, I told you. There's no freebies, man.

- Mark, it's... it's me. - We don't have

- that close a relationship. - Okay, okay, okay. I mean,

- what if I gave you this watch? - No, I'm not taking your watch.

- That's a really nice watch, man. - Yes, it's a nice watch.

My father was a watchmaker. It's the first he ever made.

He told me never to pawn it. I can pawn it.

Don't pawn it. Don't...

- don't pawn your dad's watch. - Mark!

Well, uh... Bryn told me you're working here.

- What the hell, man? - One second, I'll be right with you.

Peanut, going on break, pal.

Let's go!

Hey, what do you guys think of my getup? Pretty cool, right?

Yeah, it's great. Mark, you know I can get you

- a better job, right? - What?! Are you kidding me?

This place is perfect, Andy. I get free rides,

free prizes and... more money than I know what to do with.

Check it out, I got a potato man phone case!

- Wow, that's awesome! - Yeah, and it's so heavy.

Yeah, that's great, Mark. It's just... Isn't this place, like,

- filled with weirdos? - Andy! No!

That is such an old misconception.

These people are some of the greatest folks I've ever met!

Peanut back there has died five different times.

And he says each time, he brought something back.

Isn't that wild? That's Beth over there.

She is the world's oldest Red Hot Chili Peppers' fan.

Hey, Beth! Beth!

- Beth, how old are you? - 85!

What are you listening to right now?

- What do you think? - Hell yeah, girl!