Modern Family

Phil, honey!

Phil!

Hey, check it out.

Grandpa sent us another postcard from his RV trip.

"Mount Rushmore?

I wish the tour guide would have rushed more."

Phil, we have got to do something

about Amber and Ronnie's boat.

That thing is making it impossible

to park in our driveway, and it's an eyesore.

On the other hand, they're our neighbors

and we have to see them everyday.

I worry about... rocking the boat.

You know you can do better.

Keeping me honest. I love it.

Yeah, the boat is trashy.

Living next to it doesn't feel "on brand" for me.

You know, with sea levels rising at their current rate,

we should be glad we live near a boat.

Okay, so, that's three for "get rid of the boat."

- Luke? - Count me out.

This isn't a police state.

That boat isn't hurting anyone.

Here's all you need to know about that boat.

One... Tammy LaFontaine sunbathes on it.

Two... my eyeballs like looking at Tammy LaFontaine sunbathing.

Don't make me the bad guy here.

You know that obnoxious thing annoys you, too.

Yeah, it does, but we need to finesse this...

be nice about it.

The last thing we need

is some huge feud with our crazy neighbors.

- Movie idea. - I'll put on the list.

- Comedy or drama? - Depends on casting.

There's got to be some kind of regulation about this.

- I'm gonna call the city. - That's a terrible idea.

No, a terrible idea

is a movie about a guy who can fax himself places.

'Cause you haven't heard the title... "Just the fax man."

Yeah.

That water can't hit us soon enough.

Mitchell: Hey, where have you guys been?

Both: The San Vicente branch of the public library,

and then ice cream.

That was a weirdly specific answer.

Well, everything is normal.

Usually when everything is normal,

people don't respond in perfectly rehearsed unison.

Now who's being weirdly specific.

Well, if you went to the library,

why don't you have any books?

We read there.

I read "Clifford: The Big Red Dog."

And I read Richard Chamberlain's autobiography.

Did you know he did Hamlet in London?

Yes, I remember you telling me about that

at the San Vicente branch of the public library.

Okay, well, why don't you go clean your room now, sweetie?

- Great idea. - Lily, don't forget your backpack.

Whoa, what's this?

- Um... - Cam, clown supplies?

Yeah, those are mine.

We just had to pick them up from the dry cleaner.

Also mine.

My gosh, they must have shrunk them in the wash!

Did they wash them 40,000 times?

Okay, look.

It's no big deal, but I took Lily

to a junior clown college this morning.

Are you serious? Behind my back?

Yes, because I knew you wouldn't approve.

What was I supposed to do?

Not take her because you know how I feel

about all this mumbo jumbo.

Hey!

Mumbo Jumbo was like a father to me.

I have been very up front with you.

You knew going in that I wanted to raise our child as a clown.

Yes, but then I finally realized that you weren't joking

and we agreed that we would wait

until she was old enough to decide for herself.

You do stuff with her all the time,

and you don't ask me for my permission.

Just last week,

you took her to the doctor without even asking!

'Cause she had an ear infection!

Let's say we're even!

Gloria: Bravo!

You ate all of your blueberries!

That gets applause?

I just finished the Friday crossword puzzle and nothing.

I guess everyone knows Herbert Hoover's middle name.

Look what I got...

a throne for our little king.

Do we have to put the toilet on the counter?

I take my afternoon coffee here.

Let's fix one problem at a time.

I've decided to potty-train Joe.

No, too soon.

It's too soon for a Pearl Harbor joke,

perfect time for this.

I don't want to rush him.

Too much pressure and he will get traumatized.

He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head.

I don't think he scares easy.

The kid's ready, plus, if I'm being honest,

I'm tired of buying diapers.

Excuse me, where do you keep the diapers?

Right over here, sir.

You trying to be funny?

We have larger sizes.

He's gonna do great.

Why wouldn't he?

There's no one better than Joe, right?

I'm better than Joe.

At his age, I was counting to 10 in three languages.

The bar is so low for that kid, except when they play limbo.

They hold it up so high anybody can get under it.

Hey.

I didn't see you there.

Really?

So, is that your creepy twin brother

who's been staring at me

from the window for the last week?

I could lie and say "yes."

You could pretend you weren't flattered,

but why not just cut to the chase?

And what would that be?

Um... I could maybe touch something of yours?

Sure, and I could maybe kick something of yours.

I like this tension.

Very "will they, when will they?"

Go back to your room, little boy.

Got it. I'll see you from there.

Once we approach them with this,

it's gonna be awfully hard for me to log in

with my anonymous call to the city.

You're not gonna have to report anyone.

Call me David Copperfield,

'cause I'm about to make a boat disappear.

Hey, neighbors. I made you some banana bread.

- Hey! - I love banana bread.

We have this at our dispensary, except we got weed in it.

Ooh, but we could give this one to our kids as a trick.

This boat is really something.

You know what we call her?

- "Jackpot"! - 'Cause you sell pot.

Holy cow, we never thought of that.

This is the best day of my life!

Permission to come aboard and check her out?

Yeah!

That is, if you're talking about my boat and not my wife.

Ooh, yeah, you can't climb aboard me.

Well, not in the driveway, anyway.

- This is so great. - Claire: Yeah.

Did you do something new with your hair?

- Did you get a new wig- or something? - Mnh-mnh.

Sweet boat like this belongs in the water, am I right?

Well, you know, people who put their boat in the water,

they only use it on the weekend.

We get to use this baby every day.

Can you imagine

visiting this boat every day in the marina?

You spend a bunch of money on something,

you want people to see it.

That's why I wear low-cut tops.

Yeah! Listen up.

I just got to be honest.

We're having a hard time with the boat here.

What, you don't like Jackpot?

It's gigantic and makes it pretty tough

to park in our driveway.

Well, that's because you open your doors onto our driveway,

where we keep our boat.

Yes, and, according to city regulations,

it shouldn't even be here.

"Regulations." Hear that?

Look, we really do want to keep this friendly.

And it's been here for three weeks.

- Yeah, and it's beautiful. - And it's tacky.

- Whoa! Whoa, whoa! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Settle down! - Hey, that is uncool!

There are four aces on the side of it.

You know what?

We're gonna have to ask you to disembark.

That's boat for "get off."

Yeah, there's no room up here for an uptight buzzkill.

Don't call her a buzzkill.

That's right. There's a lot of people who think I'm fun.

You complain about fireworks Friday,

you complain when my son plays his kick-ass drum set,

you bought curtains for your bedroom window.

What have we ever done to you?

I think you just answered your own question.

All right, you know what?

Here, take your buzz-free banana bread

- and go back to your precious driveway. - With pleasure.

By the way, Claire, earlier, I was just being nice.

I do not like your new wig.

Hey, what you don't like is her real hair!