Rel

Rel is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Oh, this the part right here.

Here we go.

My billionaire girlfriend is... she's gone, and...

now I got to go back to a life of just turning tricks.

Mm, mm, mm.

I guess that's just the life of a...

...pretty man.

Male sex?

Anyone want some male sex?

I'll take some male sex.

Gloria! You came back.

Yes. Yes, I did. I did come back.

Oh, Gloria.

What are you waiting for? Come on.

Take the leap.

You mean the leap of love?

Yes.

Here we go.

Okay, this is stupid.

Why is Paul Melvins your favorite actor?

I mean he does some of the corniest movies I've ever seen.

He jumped through a moonroof.

Both of his legs should be broken.

What you don't get is the...

the legs represent the power of love.

Also, nobody I know

has ever been told "I love you" from a balcony.

Look, that's because you don't know anybody with a balcony.

Okay? And I'm not gonna let you keep talking

about Paul Melvins like that.

That dude is a theatrical genius, okay?

I put him up there with Sidney Poitier,

uh, Denzel Washington,

uh, uh, uh, uh... Tyrese Gibson.

Hey, listen, the point is

none of this ever happens in real life.

Ain't no happily-ever-afters.

It takes somebody like you

to say that, because you've never been

in a relationship longer than three months.

And that was too long.

And the only reason why it lasted

is because we had jury duty together.

That's exactly why Paul Melvins movies go over your head.

Rel, these corny-ass movies are making you too sentimental.

You need to find a girl to smash.

Look, I'm not like that, okay?

I can't just sleep with any woman.

I'm not a slut.

First of all, you don't got to say it like that.

Ain't nothing wrong with having enjoyable and uncommitted sex.

I'm telling you, it'll stop you from killing people.

You know what?

Instead of banning assault weapons,

they should have government-funded hoes

who just go around, and they should just be...

Okay, no. L-L-Look, look, look...

Brittany, I don't have time for one of your weird theories.

Look, I want a connection.

I-I want a soul mate and...

Look, everybody can't be like you.

I mean,

you treat all dudes you mess with like dogs.

That's not true.

People love and trust their dogs, Rel.

Now, look, sex is just sex sometimes.

That's all it is, and that's all you need.

Look, I don't know if you know this.

I ain't even told nobody this, okay?

I ain't been with nobody since Shannon left.

Everybody know that.

Listen, Rel, you need some ass to get over ass. All right?

Right now, your body is in a place

where you're physically just stuck on one person,

and you need to shock your system with new ass.

God, I don't know, man.

Like, I don't want to get back with my wife or nothing,

you know, but I really don't want to close that door.

And if I... if I sleep with another woman,

it'll just make me feel like the marriage is actually over.

Dude, your marriage was over

when your wife cheated on you.

Your marriage was over when she took the kids to Ohio.

Your marriage was over when she...

Look, I don't need a third one,

'cause the first two was pretty damn good.

Uh-oh, Rel on the prowl tonight.

- Who you going after? - What are you talking about?

Come on, man. You're alone at the bar.

That's creeping 101. I know the game.

You trying to get laid tonight.

No, man. I don't think I'm ready yet, man.

I understand.

But, yo, what about this girl right here?

I mean, she decent, but...

she got balls on the back of her socks.

Oh, what about shorty right here?

That ain't no shorty, man.

That's my friend's mama.

Oh, yeah.

- What about her? - Oh.

Okay.

Aw, damn it.

She got a long-ass purse strap, man.

Like her purse got a seat belt.

Look, if you're gonna have all these specific requirements,

man, you're gonna have to try online dating.

Look, man, there's no romance in that, man

You can't get a woman's essence through an app.

- You know, it's just pictures. - Nah.

I'm on this app right now called Phone Pheromones.

- What? - Yeah.

You pick your date by a scent profile.

I set mine to cheese scents, right,

but I think I did it wrong, though.

I thought I was gonna get a girl that likes cheese like I do.

- Mm-hmm. - They sent me

a chick that smells like cheese.

You know, I hit it once or twice,

but, you know, I can't be wifing a chick

that smell like Gouda.

Look, see, that's what I'm saying.

That's not for me, bro. I...

I need a connection, man.

I-I don't want to just be with some random person.

You know, if I met the perfect woman right now,

I would be so happy.

I'd be out the game, you know?

Uh, hey.

Is that lemon drop for me?

No.

It's my... it's my drink. I bought it with my money.

You just walked in here. I don't know how you think...

You know, I mean, like...

Oh, you were kidding.

- Right. - I didn't know that...

- that was a joke. I mean... - Right. It was..

I'm sorry. That-that was funny. My-my bad.

- It's okay. - But, um...

I don't want to give you this. I've been drinking out of it.

Can I buy you your own lemon drop?

- Oh, I'd love that. - Jake, could you...

- could you get, uh... What's your name? - Charlene.

Could you get Charlene a-a lemon drop?

All right. Cool.

Hey, Charlene. I'm-I'm Rel. Nice to meet you.

Hey.

I'm telling you.

Okay, look, I-I got one for you.

- Okay, this-this a real one, too. - Okay. All right.

Now, who's your favorite all-time white Bulls player?

- You ready? One... - Yep.

Two, three.

- Jud Buechler. - Jud Buechler. All righty.

Girl...

This is... I ain't gonna lie... this is crazy to me.

- You know what I mean? - I know.

- Mm. - Mm.

Ooh.

Ugh, I hate women that wear long purse straps.

Huh.

You're just asking for somebody to snatch it.

See, long purse straps are my number one pet peeve.

Tell me more.

- It's so fun. - It is.

- It's been a good night. - I know. And the thing...

I think he wants us to leave.

No, we should be...

Damn, Jake. All right, we'll get out of here. Uh...

Hey, are-are you hungry?

You want to come get a "guy-ro" with me?

Ooh, yes. And thank you for saying "guy-ro."

'Cause I hate when people say "gyro."

- Me, too. "Gyro." - Or "yer..." Whatever.

All right, be safe, playboy. You, too, sweetie.

All right.

Selfish bastards.

Mm. Hmm?

Mm. Mm.

Wow, this is...

this is unbelievable, man.

It feels like we're in a real-life Paul Melvins movie.

Hmm. Yeah, if Paul Melvins

was ten times as handsome.

Girl, I don't know what you're trying to get,

- but you're gonna get it. - About time.

Let's go back to your place.

You-you want to go back to my place?

Oh, yeah.

Shibbity damn dobos.

That was just what I needed.

- Oh... - I know. I mean...

I didn't know I could still do all that.

Ah. You know something? It was magical.

You know why?

- Why? - Because I'm with you.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Thank you.

You know something? We should do this.