What We Do in the Shadows

He was a real spurter.

Yeah, must have had high blood pressure.

Should probably see a physician.

Well, he definitely should now.

Oh, Laszlo, I feel wild.

I want to do something stupid and crazy.

All right. What say we retire to our bedchamber

and slip into some informal evening wear?

And by that, I mean the nude.

Oh, Laszlo.

Laszlo?

Shh. Look.

That's our new neighbor, Phil.

Digestif, my darkest princess?

Laszlo, we've just eaten.

I want to do something different.

Well, why don't I eat and you watch?

That's kinky.

Is it?

Bickering like a couple of ninnies.

I know, right? It's like, "Sheesh. We get it.

You've been together for centuries."

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Those are vampires.

You don't get to insult them.

- I was just... - You're not a vampire.

- I'm sorry, Master. - Geez.

I mean, come on, we get it already.

You've been married for centuries.

Watch this.

Bat.

Just get on with it, Laszlo.

Come to me, Phil.

Submit to my dark power.

Submit to my dark power.

When was the last time I felt his dark power?

I say come to me, Phil.

- I'm not staying for this. You're being very boring. - Submit to my dark power.

Phil? I'm home.

- Phil? Who are you talking to? - Shit. Bat!

- Oh! - Oh, shit.

The fuck?

Ooh...

["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing]

- Come on. - What's going on?

Laszlo was over at Phil's house. Okay.

And Phil's girlfriend hit him over the head

- and knocked him unconscious. - Okay.

So now we need to rescue him.

Well, where's Nadja, though?

I don't know.

Obviously, being in a marriage for centuries can get boring.

And it is in these moments of dissatisfaction

that I think about my human ex-lover, Gregor.

Oh, he is the most fantastic of men.

If I did have to give one criticism, though,

it would be that he did accidentally get

his head cut off in every life he's had.

Such short, sweet lives.

Shit. Shit, shit.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Please take the ticket.

Holy shit. Wow.

He has been reincarnated again.

And in this life, he is called Jep...

Jean. Jange.

Uh, no, it's, um, Jex.

Jesh. Jenk?

It-it sounds like Jesh.

But, no doubt, he has been reborn

as another heroic figure.

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no!

I told you guys, okay, you're not supposed

to come in here unless you have a car, all right?

And, uh, those don't look like cars, so...

- You're not a cop, man. - I'm not a...

- You can't tell us what to do. - All right, I'm taking your name down.

I'm taking your name down. Hey.

In the camouflage. I can still see you.

All right,

one of us needs to be invited inand get Laszlo.

I am nominating Guillermo,

because I am too foreign and you are too boring.

Well, Guillermo doesn't need to be invited,

as he's a human being.

I would prefer to be invited in. It's more polite.

Actually, it looks like it's a moot point.

They've stolen Laszlo.

I'm not approaching him. Just going to watch.

Gregor. Gregor.

He's not answering, 'cause that-that is not his name.

Jesk.

Hey. Wow.

What a wonderful shock it is to see you here.

- Yes. - Do you think maybe

you could let me into your shelter of automobiles?

What?

Oh, uh, yeah. Come on in, of course. Yeah.

Well, how have you been? I-I didn't think

I'd ever see you again.

You will always see me again.

Okay. Uh, this is where I work.

Hence the... why I'm working here.

- Amazing. - Yeah.

You are protecting a vast empire.

Three floors, yeah.

Are the cameras with you?

You don't see the cameras.

Okay. Yeah. Come on in.

Oh, we got your birds, your rats... people hate rats.

Then you got your skunks.

We get a lot of calls for skunks.

I have to get closer to see if he's in there.

Sounds like an owl to me.

So do you keep your horses on one of the levels?

Uh, no. There was a Jaguar in here once.

It's a pretty nice car. Just thought it was pretty cool.

I have met Gregor in many incarnations.

Soldier, spy, wax seller, monger,

carpet monger, suitcase monger,

fishmonger, fly monger.

He mongers a lot in his lives.

Your job is so complicated, Gregor.

- Oh... - So stimulating.

No.

A-Again, you know, it, uh... it's "Jeff."

Shh.

I have crossed oceans of time to be with you.

- I'm imagining swimming through time. - Yes...

- But I have. - Oh, wow.

Well, I'm gonna get off work here, in a second.

I just got a little bit moreto do, if you want to hang out.

Oh, it is forbidden, but ten, 15 minutes?

- Yes, that's great. - I will see you then.

Okay, cool.

He's always got a very, very strong sexual energy

that calls to my sexual energy.

Deeply sexual.

That's Gregor.

So, our roommate, Laszlo, was knocked unconscious

whilst in bat form by ourneighbor, uh, Phil's girlfriend,

and he's now caged and inside the animal shelter.

Uh, uh, Laszlo, not Phil, our neighbor's girlfriend.

Yes.

We must get him out before daybreak.

Well, and that's the thing

with these nightwalkers here, isn't it?

You know, a little bit of sunlight, and poof.

They go up in flames.

- I've never gone poof, but it's okay. - Not yet.

The vampires are always like, "Ooh! I'm a vampire.

- I'm immortal. I'm... - Whatever."

Well, okay. Well, how about you go be immortal at brunch?

So what is the itinerary for tonight?

Are you going to punish your worst enemy?

Embarrass him in front of his elders?

- Oh, uh... - Or are we going to destroy

the worst criminals from your village

and I will help?

Wait, in Staten Island?

How about find some red witchesand cut their feet off?

We could go to the carnival.

I mean, they've got games there. It's pretty dope.

It is like a freak show?

I don't think you're supposed to say that.

We used to have a freak show in my village.

We would get given one balloon

between all my brothers and sisters.

And then we would bite at each other to get it.

One year, my sister bit my brother's thigh,

and then we sold the meat for money.

Hello. C-Can we come in?

Excuse us, can we come into the shelter?

We're open till 11:00.

- Okay, that's great. - We see that.

Can we come in?

Yeah, come in.

How's your night been, guys?

- It's none of your business. - What are you... What?

- How's your night been? - It's been fine.

Okay, good. Ours has, too.

Isn't this the one that you ate last week?

I didn't. I wouldn't.

It's locked.

You guys looking for the bathroom?

I need to do a two.

It's right behind you, man. That door.

Wait. Where are you going?

They're not happy tonight, Bobby.

- Yeah, what's up? - Oh, I brought in a bat.

- Okay. - A little fella, you got to see this guy.

- Look at his face. - Yeah.

This guy looks like a little English guy.

Yeah, he's a little, little British chap.

Wait, wait, wait, let me blow him up there. Look at...

- You see something? You see something? - No way.

- That is a bat's erect penis on that screen. - Laszlo's.

- Okay. - We're gonna have to get him a little rabies shot.

I want you to bring me the strange bat with the erection.

Wait, hang on a second. Can you imagine him