Paradise PD

Mmm!

Hey, Glenda!

You got some swole-lookin' pecs there, girl.

Marlowe, you got a visitor.

Oh, God, Dusty! I've missed you so much.

Gina, please don't press your bare b-hole to the glass.

It looks like a hungry suckerfish.

Oh, that's it! I'm busting you out of here.

Gina, I told you, I don't want to leave because...

Y'all a bunch of stinkers.

Mmm, love the song.

Now, can you hum it directly into the phone?

Ugh! No way, Gina!

Oh, God!

Well, that'll get me to lunch.

You're innocent, you shouldn't be in here.

This is all that twatwaffle Kevin's fault.

I need you, and I am busting you out.

You've failed to bust me out of here every day,

and your schemes are becoming more and more Wile E. Coyote-like.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Dusty.

Welcome to Paradise.

Once the angry, puckered asshole of planet Earth,

it has been transformed into the jewel of America's Heartland.

Visit the Paradise Zoo without fear of being raped by a gorilla.

Or zookeeper Dave.

Afraid of hillbillies? Don't worry.

Even the worst citizens are now contributing members of society.

- We used to be violent crackheads. - Now we're scientists,

thanks to these lab coats we found in the dumpster.

Then we combined our DNA by jacking off into this test tube.

It made a new best friend.

Meet Dobby!

Dobby!

Dobby's hobbies include biting the heads off small animals

and eating pubic hair out the sink drain.

Okay!

But the best reason to visit Paradise,

to meet our famous hero cop, Kevin Crawford...

Ah, it never gets old.

...who took down the most dangerous criminal mastermind

of all time,

Dusty Marlowe, the Argyle Meth Kingpin!

See exactly how it happened in this recreation

we got animated in Japan to save money.

I'm so evil,

my next step is to destroy Disneyland, Jesus and Nascar!

Not if I stop you.

Stop this!

- Huh? - My turn.

Ah!

Ka me ha me ha!

And that's how Kevin became famous.

Meet him in person when you visit Paradise,

America's non-angry, non-puckered-asshole-like jewel.

As you can see,

thanks to my hero son,

tourism is up, the town is flushed with cash...

...and my re-election is in the bag.

Now, the man you're here to see,

Kevin Crawford!

I hereby award my hero son the medal of bravery

for appearing on The View during Period Week.

But I'm taking him out next.

Me! The Kingpin!

You got room for a Kevin and Fitz BFF medal?

Of course I do, buddy.

Gerald Fitzgerald is another Paradise success story.

He started his own business and became the richest person in Paradise!

Sorry, former richest person Camaro Bob.

Well, I still got the most stone-washed jeans, baby.

And Gerald did it by opening a chain of Dippin' Dots stands.

Served to you by hobos to keep my overhead low.

One Crazy Cookie Dough with sprinkles.

Goodbye, Sprinkles. I'll miss you.

Don't worry, he lived in my ass.

We've both come so far, Fitz.

For the first time in my life, my parents actually like me.

But out of all my medals, yours means the most to me.

Even more than my medal for loudest masturbator.

I love you like a brother.

I hate that motherfucker!

Me too, boss. Let's kill him.

We can't kill him, Thester.

The idiot has spiked tourism

which is making me a fortune in Dippin' Dots sales.

God, Thester! You're so bloody stupid!

Just say the word, boss!

If you're going to be my number two,

you got to stop offering to kill yourself every time you make a mistake.

Right. So, what's your evil scheme behind these Dippin' Dots?

Listen, idiot.

We're making more money now than we did with argyle meth.

As long as everyone thinks Dusty's the Kingpin,

we're in the clear.

And the only person in town who knows that Dusty is innocent is Dusty.

Hmm.

I should pay him a little visit.

Or I could poison him!

Oh! We'll frame Bret Michaels of the band Poison!

Oh, imagine that headline, eh?

"Irrelevant Rocker Referenced In Netflix Show."

Kevin!

"To Billy, I hope your snake AIDS clears up.

Love, Kevin Crawford."

I really gotta get new publicity photos.

What can I get you, son? Hero back rub?

Hero sandwich?

Hero hand release?

Uh, once was enough.

All right, good. More time for you to sign autographs.

Gotta keep your fans happy.

Their tourism dollars fund all this new, futuristic equipment.

Hello. I am Cop Bot.

My protocols are to serve and protect,

and eat donuts.

Ha ha. I stole that joke from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

Better arrest me.

I also stole that joke from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

We can even predict the future now

and solve crimes before they happen.

I hired Dr. Funtlichter to turn the evidence room

into a pre-cog chamber.

I just look at it as an excuse to kidnap runaways,

shave their heads and keep them in a kiddie pool.

Everyone needs a hobby.

I used to have a hobby. Illegal drugs.

Now this town is like Jeff Dunham's stand-up act:

too clean, and still kinda racist.

Bullet, you should try legal drugs like Adderall.

The schoolkids say it makes them smarter and gets them crunk AF.

Remember, kids, it works faster if you snort it.

- Hmm. - There you are, hog shit hero!

God, I feel sorry for you! I'll bet it's horrible living a lie!

I don't know, John Travolta seems happy.

Oh, you know what I mean!

Dusty is innocent, and you are no hero!

Uh, then why do I have my own Funko Pop, huh?

Oh, because they do those for everybody!

Yeah, even my proctologist has one!

You should've seen the look on his face

when he had to pull himself out of me.

We both know you saw the tape proving Dusty's innocent, but you won't admit it

because you're afraid to disappoint your parents.

Fucking pussy.

All right, Gina. Calm down.

Hey, check out our new toy!

I call it the shit stick.

Jesus, that's a lot of Funko Pops.

Look who finally decided to come visit.

Is it just me or does this glass smell like ass?

Yeah, Gina just left.

Dusty, I just wanted to stop by

and make sure you aren't getting any crazy ideas in your head.

No, I still don't think Brooklyn Nine-Nine is funny,

but I was thinking that all that argyle meth mess

started right after you moved to town. Ain't that weird?

Yeah, "weird."

Also, I requested some evidence

on the Terry Two Toes murder

and did you know they found a hair in his cell?

Fitz, this looks just like your hair.

Now I wonder, if I requested a DNA test...

Fitz?

Yeah, he's right.

Just a silly old dead end.

- Hey, Gina. - Not now, Fitz. I'm busy.

Mayor Karen...

...you are looking hot in that same burgundy dress

you wear every day like Fred Flintstone.

Just don't forget I have a fiance.

One of these days, I'm going to make time to plan the perfect wedding.

You know, our first wedding...

Yeah, I don't give a shit.

What if I told you I've got the perfect political stunt

to guarantee your re-election?

...whisper...

What the hell are you doing here?

I wanted to say that I'm sorry.

Not now.

I have got two tons of fun to bust out of prison with these.

Look, I sometimes wonder if Dusty is innocent, too,

but it's not like I'm experiencing odd physical symptoms of guilt that I...

Well... That's new.

My point is, Dusty was convicted in a court of law

and Dad says he'll be perfectly fine in prison.

Dusty will not be perfectly fine in prison.

We join the mayor of Paradise with more on this breaking news.

In an effort to maintain public safety,

and my stellar poll numbers,

I will be personally executing Dusty Marlowe,

AKA the Kingpin, in the electric chair.

- ...whispers... - That fat? You measured?

Correction. I will be personally executing Dusty Marlowe

in the electric couch.

Karen, I've been meaning to ask, you're not getting cold feet, are you?

If you want a foot job, just ask for a foot job.

No, I'm talking about the wedding.

Oh, wait, can I have a foot job?

No, and of course I don't have cold feet.