Remarkable Power

Well, you sound like a

great crowd.

Um... we got a couple empty seats

out there?

Or are some of you dressed up

like chairs?

You know, I was gonna wear a

costume, since it is so close to

Halloween, but then I thought,

you know what, people already

have a hard enough time

recognizing me, so...

Hey, we got a great show for

you tonight.

Stay where you are.

We'll be right back.

Top story tonight is a tragic

one.

Moments ago, late-night

talk-show host Jack West was

found dead in the living room of

his Hollywood Hills home, the

victim of an apparent murder.

That's right.

Who's not Jack West, huh, you

little bitch?

Who hit the home run?

Yeah, you did.

That's right.

Okay.

It's about 12:08 A.M.

I have the subject in sight.

She's blond, very attractive.

Um... she appears to be having...

Sexual intercourse with a man

who looks a hell of a lot like

Doug Wade, the third baseman

from the L.A. Dogs.

Subject is very limber.

Very, very limber.

$300 million, huh?

Two outs, bottom

of the ninth.

He's working it.

He's got a full count.

Everyone's on their feet.

And here comes the pitch.

It's a long fly ball...

no, it's a home run!

Oh, my god!

Sexual

intercourse.

Boy, that brings back memories.

Wait, wait.

Let me get this straight.

You're 17 years old?

That's correct, and I'm gonna

be 18 in two months.

Chavo, can you believe

he's 17 years old?

You know, Jack, I-I would not

card him.

Yeah.

Yeah, I hate to be the one to

break this to you, but you're an

old man.

Looks like the nursing home

needs to tighten up its

security.

Two years ago, I was

living in a trailer.

I had no job.

I was seriously in debt, and I

weighed 98 pounds.

But look at you now!

That's right, look at

me now.

Now, I live in a

10,000-square-foot mansion in

Beverly Hills.

I have a 1959 Aston Martin, and

I make more money per week than

most people make in their entire

lives.

That is remarkable, J.P.!

It is remarkable, Dana!

But you know, we all possess a

skill to magically transform our

lives into our wildest financial

dreams.

All you have to do is put it to

work!

Hi, I'm Preston.

In two short weeks, I went from

being in the poorhouse to having

more money than I knew what to

do with.

How is this possible, you ask?

All you have to do is follow

J.P. Zahn's simple step-by-step

instructions.

It's that easy!

Order now and

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"remarkable power."

Remember, you're in

charge.

You're in control.

Ma'am, step away from the

body.

Come on.

Let's go. Get out of here.

Okay, folks, just when

you thought you've seen it all,

these guys have been touring all

over the country.

Incredible band.

They're really making a lot of

waves, just signed with

universal records.

Nice hand for mini rockers!

Thanks, fellas.

Thanks for being on the show.

How you doing?

I'm doing great.

Thank you very much.

So, now, how does it feel to be

the shortest rockers in the

country?

It's amazing, Jack.

Who says you got to be tall to

rock 'n' roll?

You guys are doing

quite well, too, right?

Very well, Jack.

Our bodies might be small, but

our bank accounts sure aren't.

Did I read somewhere

that one of you is dating

Paris Hilton?

We all have, Jack.

She just hasn't figured it out

yet.

Well, I want to see

that video.

They're pulling the plug.

Again?

Yeah.

It's for real this time.

Ratings have dropped far too

low.

What makes you think my

audience cares about ratings,

skip?

Well, Jack, unfortunately,

the network does, and so do our

sponsors.

I'd suggest we get some better

guests, but we can't seem to

book anybody since you started

this freak-show thing.

So you're saying that

my audience would rather see

another intellectually

challenged movie star than a

70-year-old kid or some

miniature rockers... is that

what I'm hearing?

Don't forget the

100th-generation prostitute.

The direct descendant

of Mary Magdalene.

Hello, can anyone say

"brilliant"?

You could bring on

Jesus Christ himself, Jack, and

people would still rather watch

Brad Pitt.

What about the hot

seat, then?

Jack, that's just what we're

talking about here.

You can't be dropping your

guests through a trap door just

because you don't like

what they're saying.

Well, I can if they

deserve it, and besides, I've

told you this before, it would

be the audience's call... they

would all have little buttons.

Jack.

Haven't you ever seen

"the gong show"?

Jack, people want to see

stars, okay?

Not the all-grown-up child actor

of some "bonanza" rip-off.