The Crazy Ones

Helena's here. How do I look?

Oh, you look great.

You're five pounds of heaven in a six-inch heel.

I just got these shoes.

Do you think she'll like them?

Why am I asking you?

You don't know what's chic.

She does. Look at you.

You got a girl crush on Helena. That's adorable.

I do not have a crush on Helena. It's business.

You know, she's here to show us

her new e-date site for seniors.

I'm just glad my dad is taking lead on this account

because elderly romance falls

slightly outside my comfort zone.

Wait... your dad's handling the e-date thing?

He's supposed to be running the voice-over session for Musk.

But I need him. Helena's waiting.

Well, I need him more.

What the...?!

What do you got?

See, uh, stacked. Uh-huh.

Nice can. Stacked. Yeah.

Nice can. Something about boobs and butts.

Who could think in this heat?

Yeah, when are they gonna fix your air conditioner?

I do declare, it's hotter in here

than the devil's scrotum in a hot tub in hell.

I don't know whether to check my ass or scratch my watch.

Lord, yes!

Dad, I need your help with...

God, it is hot in here.

I need you for the e-date meeting.

But you promised to run the voice-over session.

Oh, sweet Lord, two attractive suitors.

I am positively swooning.

Ooh, my menagerie!

Dad, e-date meeting now!

Voice-over session. You promised.

I did promise Andrew.

Fine. I'll just go tell Helena

that you made other plans.

Whoa. Helena's here?

Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa.

Andrew, you'll have to do the session by yourself.

You've done it a thousand times with me.

Yeah, but I've never been in charge.

I'm just the guy who nods at you and sometimes shrugs.

It's your moment to shine. Are you ready?

Really?

Good enough for me. Helena awaits.

Now, Zachary,

does this shirt make my eyes pop?

Oh, bluer than a Yankee boy's uniform.

Dear God, you could charm the stripes off a baby zebra.

Come on, now! Come sashay with me. Be my pleasure.

Please help me. I'm starting to get the vapors.

Oh, I got you. Support me through this moment.

Don't worry, now.

Here we are, like bees to honey.

Like moth to a flame.

You know, we did a hell of a job on your

other dating sites. We'll do it again on this one.

As you know, we're a soup-to-nuts agency.

Yeah, I provide the nuts. And I really enjoy soup.

Is it any wonder I always love

coming to see you two?

Oh, we love it when you do!

So, what are you calling this new site, huh?

We're still looking for a name that connects

with our mature customers.

Really? How about "Gray Down There"?

"It's Just Dinner at Lunchtime."

"Prostate Players."

You are both so naughty.

I love being naughty! Yeah, spank me, spank me!

But don't worry, we'll nail the name.

How does this site work?

Well, our customer creates a profile...

Mm-hmm. Ooh, make one for Simon!

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Simon Roberts. Male.

Original hair, mostly original parts.

Six-foot-two. Actually, I'm five-eight.

Everyone lies. Six-two is Internet for five-eight.

You save five-eight, you're Peter Dinklage. Ooh.

So which parts aren't original?

Wouldn't you like to know?

It's my knee.

So who's this voice-over guy?

Fred Melamed. He's a legend.

You might not know his name, but you know his voice.

CBS News, CBS Sports,

Boar's Head meats and cheeses.

He's the Boar's Head guy?

He made me quit being vegan.

Ah!

Mr. Melamed, it is such an honor.

My name is Andrew, and I'll be handling...

I don't really need to know your name, hippie.

Hippie? That's, uh...

By the way, listen, that's Corinthian leather.

Try not to ruin it with your

doobie-stained fingers, all right?

Oh, I don't dabble in the doobie.

Oh, I'm sure you don't.

Let's just see if we can't get through today

without you having to huff on a hookah, okay, Bob Marley?

Just follow me.

Bob Marley.

First question, on scale of one to ten,

how sexually adventurous are you? Ten.

With ten including bondage and light-to-medium spanking.

Four. Maybe a lazy five.

Hell, when the moon's full, six.

With you, seven. Let's just round it off

to a racy 8.5 and be done with it.

Ten. We'll get to your profile later.

Second question. Mm-hmm.

What weather system best describes your sex life?

If we're talking last summer, I'd say hurricane.

Ironically, with a woman named Katrina.

At the moment, bit of a drought.

Fields are dry, crops are withering.

It Is He Who Sits With His Fist is my tribal name.

A handsome man like you

should never have a dry spell.

It's a crime.

Felony or misdemeanor? I don't mind being cuffed.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

So, who's getting cuffed?

No, nothing. Your dad in some weird sex act.

No, no, can we not talk about this in front of...?

Heavens, why not? She's an adult. Uh-huh.

Sydney's not some prudish American, are you?

Moi? No, I'm très cool.

I love hearing my dad talk about his sex life.

What could possibly be uncomfortable about that?

Besides, our Web site's designed

to help older people end their long dry spells.

Hasn't been that long. It's only been

A month?

Mm-hmm. Can you imagine?

I mean, what even happens to the human body?

Well, I could sit here and talk about sex all day with my dad,

um, but we have another meeting.

Sydney, I'm only in town a week. You will make time for me, yes?

Yes! It's a date. I mean, not a date-date.

It's a lady-female date. It's more fun than a date.

Oh! We'll have fun, like always.

Uh, next question. Okay.

What do you say to a woman

when you want to make love to her?

"Do you accept checks?"

Sorry, muffin.

We've all been there. So cool with this!

I'm glad she's cool with it.

Okay!

And whenever you are ready...

sir.

All right, laying it down in three, two...

"Men today are afraid of women.

"Well, I'm not scared to be sexy.

"I unbutton the second button on my shirt.

"You know the one.

And then I slap on some Musk, because women smell fear."

Well, I think that was golden. Now on to the tag.

He's so commanding. Very alpha.

Don't you think he could be a touch less serial killer-y?

I gotta tell him. I wouldn't do that.

Hey, uh, that was great, Fred.

I just wondered if we could do

one more, and this time, um...

I can't hear a word you're saying.

Spit out the bong water and hold down that damn button!

Sorry. Uh, that was great,

but, uh, could we try one more, just a little more up?

Up?

Uh, yeah, you know,

just happier, brighter, chirpy.

You want me to be chirpy?

Don't say yes. Yes! Here's a little trick

that I learned:

Smile when you talk.

Because when you do that,

people can actually hear the smile.

Go ahead, uh, try it.

Yeah, you know, that is very good.

That is a really valuable suggestion.

I'm so surprised I've never heard that once before

in my over three decades riding this mic

for the likes of Sony Consumer Products,

the Nagano Olympics, MCI, Mercedes-Benz,

the NFL on CBS,

all before you huffed

your first can of paint thinner, Spicoli!

You know, honestly,

we shouldn't feel uncomfortable speaking

about adult stuff in front of each other.

You know, when we're at work,