Grantchester

That's right. Pat it down.

Is it going to be as tall as me?

Maybe it'll be as tall as me.

- They adore you. - They know I'm a pushover.

You're a saint, Sidney Chambers. You really are.

- Is it still troubling you? - It's not too bad.

That'll teach you to cycle home three sheets to the wind.

I don't think anything will teach me that.

Andrew! Look at you!

There is nothing for it. Straight onto the compost heap!

Here we go!

There. Good as new.

And he's heading straight back to the mud.

No sense of decorum, that's the problem.

The kids? - Kissing you like that in front of your parishioners.

They're five. I don't think they care.

- She calls me Sylvia. - It's your name.

Do you mind if I pop into town?

That's fine. How is it you moan at me when I'm single

and then you moan at me when I'm not?

Only, my library book's two weeks overdue -

She's too familiar. I don't like it.

There's a JB Priestley they've kept on hold for me. The Magicians.

- I'll ask her not to call you Sylvia. - It's too late. The damage is done.

What damage? There is no damage.

It's rather downbeat apparently but worth a look.

- What? - The Magicians. At the library.

- Leonard, just go. - Right.

Come on, Dickens.

You didn't tell her how you got that, did you?

Thought as much.

She doesn't wear stockings, Sidney.

I have absolutely no idea what you expect me to do about that.

All I ask for is a bit of respect. That's all I ask.

If you'd rather be alone that's fine.

But if there's anything I can help with...

There's a... gambling den.

Mill Road.

He goes there most days.

He didn't know I was waiting.

Had no idea.

He smiled.

I didn't think of that.

That the old bastard would smile.

"Feeble," he calls me!

A "waste of space," and on and on and on.

So I took a razor... and I slashed him.

From here to here.

Who, Theo?

Eric Whitaker.

Oakfield Boarding House.

It's four and six full board. Electric and laundry extra.

Money up front, no excuses.

Been had too many times before.

We're trying to trace a Mr Eric Whitaker.

- What's he to you? - Do you know where he is?

I should hope so. He's standing right in front of you.

A vicar and a copper.

Sounds like the start of a joke I don't want to hear.

Jesus Christ.

Vivian!

What have I told you?

Hey? Time and bloody time again.

- I'm sorry. - One day you'll say it and mean it.

What can I tell you? She was a looker when I met her.

So, how can I assist you gentlemen?

We were reliably informed you'd been murdered.

Theo Graham's a feeble-minded bastard.

He'd soil himself killing a fly.

So he made the whole thing up?

Cambridgeshire Constabulary - sharp as a pin, you lot.

- I'm still here, aren't I? - Why would he make it up?

Few threads short of a jumper, ain't he?

Can't hold down a job. Never pays his rent on time.

You were in a gambling den on Mill Road this morning.

- Gambling's illegal. - So is lying to a police officer.

It's clean.

I had a flutter on the horses. Where's the harm in that?

- Did you see Mr Graham there? - Nope.

Did you get into a fight?

Nothing to do with it.

- Theo confessed. - And yet here I sit.

Praise the Lord. It's a blooming miracle.

- Where's the sixpence? - They didn't have any scrag end, Dad.

I had to get shoulder.

Ring the bell for me.

So you don't want to take this any further?

Clergy's sharp as a pin an' all. Nothing to take further.

- What do we have today, Mrs Whitaker? - Ham and potatoes, Mr Clark.

Nothing more miraculous than ham.

Tell Mr Graham the room's still his if he wants it.

Tell him Mr Whitaker looks forward to having a little tete-a-tete with him.

We've just seen him, Theo. He's alive and well.

But I stabbed him. I saw the blood.

- He's fine, Theo. - I did! I killed him!

Mr Graham, I find myself in the rare position of having a crime scene,

a confession, but no victim.

Call it happenstance, fate. Call it what you like. Today is your lucky day.

- Not late, am I? - No. No. Not at all.

I don't think I've seen you out of your garb. Very dashing.

Mrs M says you can't go wrong with a flannel shirt.

- She's absolutely right. - She generally is!

This is pleasant. An afternoon away from the prying eyes of Grantchester.

Isn't it? - We should make it a regular occurence.

We should.

I can't keep him in if there's no crime to answer.

- I didn't say anything. - You didn't have to.

- What? - Lend me a shilling.

- Why? - Just -

I'm having that back.

Theo.

Don't go back there. Find yourself another room.

He'll be out for me now.

He will.

Don't you love that?

Stepping out into the light after hours in the dark.

You've an incredible knack of making the ordinary poetic.

It's your optimism, I think.

My father found it annoying.

I find it admirable.

Even you can't have anything positive to say about the film.

- It was... diverting! - Diverting?! It was third rate at best.

It was so convoluted. It was all I could do to keep my eyes open.

I'm sorry. Um... I must get back.

What about Fitzbillies?

The girls are going roller skating at the Corn Exchange.

- You don't fancy it, do you? - I can barely balance on two wheels.

They're dying to meet you.

And I'm dying to show you off. Say yes.

Yes!

Can't remember the last time Cathy kissed me like that.

What?

- I don't know. - Oh, God, here we go.

- What do you mean, "Here we go"? - This is what you always do.

The woman likes you. She's pleasant, attractive.

- YOU throw a spanner in the works. - When have I ever done that?

Hm? The jazz singer.

That was...

- an exceptional circumstance. - I'd say.

I don't know. It's just... something.

I'm glad we're being specific

How is it we always talk about me? Why can't we talk about you?

How's your marriage, Geordie?

Nappies and laundry, Sidney.

Nappies and laundry. You were the one who said, "Find me a girl."

For future reference, if I ever agree to anything it's because I'm not listening.

So... you and Margaret.

Rumour has it she knows her way around the bedroom.

- Shut up, Phil. - You know what they say.

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

Shut up, Phil! - Officer! There's summat I need to tell you.

Oh, Christ on a bike.

Get the pints in. I'll be right behind you.

Oi! Slow down!

- Black Austin, two-door saloon. - Four-door. - Four-door saloon.

With a bloody great crack in the window. I want it found.

Geordie.

Theo was finishing the job he started.

- How much money did you give him? - Five shillings.

He won't get far on that. Theobald Graham. I want every bugger looking for him. - Sir!

- Look after the widow, Sidney. - She's not a widow yet. - She will be.

Mrs Whitaker... please.

- I want to see him. - I wouldn't advise it.

I wouldn't advise you to stop me.

We can pray together if you like.

I gave up praying a long time ago.

If Theo did this it's because my husband made his life hell.

He made your life hell too though, didn't he?

- How will I tell Joan? - Your daughter? - His daughter.

Here.

We can tell her together.

I'd almost forgotten what it was for someone to be kind.

- Joan, go with your mother. - She's not my mother.

- I need a word with Theo. - Why?

- Come with me. - Why? What is it?

There's been an accident, Joan.

Your father was struck by a car.

- I'm so sorry, darling. - You think it's me?

- You think I killed him. - Let's have a word outside, Theo.

I didn't want to do it.

Sidney.

Shit.

We'll be all right. We will.

Tough as old boots, you and I, aren't we?

- You don't have to pretend any more. - Pretend what?

That you like me!

Take your shirt off.

- Mrs Whitaker - - Vivian, please.

Do you think Theo is capable of doing something like this alone?

Erm... Here.

His parents died in the bombing on Vicarage Terrace.

The shelter took a direct hit.

The police found him hiding in the family home.

He barely spoke for a year.

I suppose he's as capable as anyone.

You HAVE been in the wars, haven't you?

I didn't always love my dad.

Is that a horrible thing to say?

People aren't always easy to love.

Do you know any Elgar?