The Neighborhood

Let me guess, you're either hiding from our neighbor Dave,

or the Jehovah's Witnesses are back.

Look, I just want to get my newspaper,

but every time I go outside,

the guy just sneaks up on me all quiet like a Prius.

You know, the other day,

he cornered me talking about Michigan.

I spent 30 minutes listening to him rank the Great Lakes.

Yup, he did the same thing to me,

and, ironically, Lake Superior not number one.

What kind of world do we live in

where a man can't go outside his own home

without having to say hello to his neighbor?

What are you doing?

He's hiding from Dave.

Why? The only thing scary about him

are the tiny shorts he jogs in.

Tell me about it.

The last time I saw that much white meat

it was fried and in a bucket.

Well, I know he's not like most folks around here,

but I think Dave is kind of cool.

All I know is, since they moved into this neighborhood,

I feel like I'm on house arrest.

Well, I say don't you let fear of Dave imprison you, Pop.

Throw off the chains of your oppressor

and go get that newspaper, my brother!

But before you do, close your robe.

I can see your chicken nuggets.

Hey.

Dad, what are you doing?

I'm seeing if Calvin's outside. I want to give him something.

I was talking about your shorts.

Well, this is what people wear in California.

It's so you don't overheat when you're running.

That's smart, 'cause if I wore those to school

I'd definitely get chased.

Yeah, by all the ladies.

Ready for school, Grover?

Whoa, look at those sexy legs.

- Told you. - Why are you still here?

I thought you were going for a run.

Oh, I'm about to. I was hoping to catch Calvin outside.

I want to give him a key to our house.

- Really? - Yeah.

Don't you think it's a little too soon for that?

Uh, well, no, he's our neighbor.

We gave all our neighbors keys back in Michigan.

Grammy says people in Michigan are good,

not like here where they're all criminals

and Hollywood elites.

When did Grammy say that?

Just now. We're texting.

Oh, hey, guys, there's Calvin.

Buddy, have a great day. Bye.

Mom, what do you think of Dad's shorts?

Honestly, I thought they were yours.

- Hey, Calvin! - Oh.

Hey, Dave.

Hey, I'm glad I ran into you.

I want to give you something.

Really?

There's enough fabric in those for pockets?

Here you go.

What's that?

Well, it's a key to our house.

I want you to have it.

I now pronounce us neighbors.

Nah, I'm good, man.

Wh-What do you mean you're good?

I don't need a key to your house.

What if there's an emergency,

or you want to borrow something and we're not home,

or it's my birthday and you want to throw me

a surprise birthday party.

I'm not throwing you a surprise party.

Exactly what someone throwing me

a surprise party would say.

Look, Dave, I don't know what it's like where you're from...

Oh, it is beautiful.

I mean, the trees,

they go on for miles.

Okay, look, that's-that's not what I'm talking about.

Around here, we don't give out keys to people we just met.

Well, how come?

Simple, people are terrible.

No, they're not, people are great.

You should try giving them the benefit of the doubt.

I do. I doubt them every day.

Okay, look, just take the key, okay?

O-Okay, if I take this key,

can I go read my paper in peace?

Absolutely.

Oh, fine.

All right, talk to you later. See you.

Oh, and just one more thing, um...

Dave, we had a deal.

I was just wondering,

is there anything maybe that you want to give to me?

Yes, some advice.

Stop jogging through the neighborhood

in your hot pants.

I thought you guys were going to the park.

It's kind of hot out,

so we thought we'd just hang out here instead.

Dad says he doesn't want to go outside

because Mr. Calvin didn't give him a key.

Grover, it's called father/son confidentiality.

Are you still hung up on this key thing?

It's awkward now.

Like when you wave to someone

who you thought was waving to you, but they weren't.

I told you to stop waving at everyone.

I'm a waver, Gemma.

It's what I do.

You know I love how enthusiastic you are,

but sometimes it can get a little out of hand.

Name one time.

You proposed to me on our third date.

Yeah. That is because...

we had just had sex.

I'm just saying sometimes you're ready for things

before other people are.

It might take a while for Calvin.

Yeah, but it's been a month, and by that time...

... we had had a bunch of sex.

Come on, baby, I'll take you,

and if you want to connect to Calvin,

maybe you should try finding something

you guys have in common.

I'll try, but this guy doesn't even have a favorite lake.

- What up! What up! - Oh, hey, baby.

Well, I see you brought your laundry again.

That's right, colors and a few whites,

just like this neighborhood since the Johnsons moved in.

Well, here, let me take those for you.

Ma, how come you still do Marty's laundry,

but you won't do mine?

It's because he doesn't live here.

It's how I make sure I see my baby boy.

Yeah, if she wants to see you,

all she has to do is check the couch.

Baby, leave him alone. He's looking for a job.

What job? Manager of throw pillows?

Yeah, that sounds like a cushy job.

Oh, and by the way,

this fell out of your pocket in the wash.

What's wrong?

It's a key to Dave's house.

He gave it to me in case of an emergency.

Like I'm gonna help him in an emergency.

I think that's nice.

We could all learn a lesson from Dave,

how to open our hearts to our neighbors, right?

That guy can't teach me anything.

Well, you know, I'm glad he moved in.

Giving out keys, waving at everybody.

He is the most entertaining thing to happen around here

since Crackhead Victor found that horse.

Remember when he tried to footrace him?

Ay, well, you might not like it, Pop,

but, uh, Dave lives here now.

That makes him part of our community.

No, no, it doesn't.

You don't let someone into your community

just because they give you a spare key.

Come on now, let's go work on this truck.

Aw, come on, Pop.

That truck is always broke, and it never works.

Then you two got something in common. Come on now.

Hey, guys.

What year is that, a '64?

Close, '65.

Oof, should've known.

'64 didn't have turn signals above the headlights.

Oh, you sound like you know a thing or two about trucks, Dave.

Well, you know, I am from Michigan.

Detroit, the Motor City,

The D.

Dave from The D!

See you guys got a V-8 in there

instead of the straight six.

That's like 50 more horses, huh?

Yes, it is.

So I guess you do know your stuff.

Yeah, like I said, Dave from the D.

Dad, I want to use the iPad.

Are you done googling Mr. Calvin's truck?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man.

What is wrong with you?

Googling another man's truck?

Bruh.

I was just trying to find some common ground with you.

What, by lying to us that you know about trucks?

- Yeah. - Yeah, but in a neighborly way.

Wh-What's going on here, man?

Uh, look, I know I don't always show my emotions.

But the other day when I gave you a key

and you didn't give me one back, it bothered me.

Bruh.