How I Met Your Mother

Kids, here's something I wish my dad had told me.

The longest pause you will ever experience in your life

is the one that follows asking the question...

Will you marry me?

Your brain goes into overdrive, imagining every possible response.

No.

Oh, God, no.

You want me to marry... No.

I'm sorry, Ted. I can't.

Mark Johnson, the quarterback from your high-school football team,

already asked me.

- What's up, Turd? - It's Ted!

But if you're lucky,

she may answer with the single greatest word in the English language.

Yes.

Stella and I spent that summer happily engaged.

Marshall was still coping with unemployment.

What are you doing?

Lily threw herself into her painting.

What are you doing?

Barney was rehabilitating from his bus accident.

What are you doing?

And, well, Marshall just kept coping with unemployment.

What are you doing?

And Robin continued to uphold

the high journalistic standards of Metro News 1.

Is your favorite brand of dental floss poisoning your entire family?

Tune in at 11:00 for the shocking tooth.

Okay, I officially hate my job.

I'm not a reporter, I'm just someone who shows up at night and scares people.

I'm the boogeyman with a teleprompter.

"Boogeyman with a teleprompter. "

That's hilarious! Great joke, Robin, great joke.

Barney, no offense to Robin, but that wasn't that funny.

Are you kidding? That was a great joke.

It's smart, funny, beautiful, it's the whole package.

It's everything you're afraid to let yourself want.

In a joke.

"Boogeyman with a teleprompter. " That's classic.

Okay, what is so urgent

that you called me and begged me to come over at 7:22 in the morning?

I could tell you knew something was up with me, and you're right.

But I can't tell you what it is.

I should tell you, but I can't! I have to. I never will!

I'm going to. Let's just drop it. What's up with you?

Barney, just say it.

I think I'm in love with Robin.

Hey, Lily needs some gift ideas for Stella's wedding shower.

Does she like to cook?

- Actually, I don't know. - What's her favorite color?

- Don't know that, either. - Well, does she have any hobbies?

Yes, she's exactly the kind of person who would have hobbies.

And interests, too. I am one lucky son of a bitch.

Dude, you don't know anything about the woman you're marrying.

- What? You're crazy! I know plenty. - What color are her eyes?

- The color of the ocean after a storm. - Which is?

Beautiful.

I don't believe it.

I thought you called me over here to uncuff you from your sex swing again,

but you're in love? That is so sweet!

It's not sweet. It's like a disease.

I slept with Robin one time and I caught feelings.

I caught feelings bad. I used protection and everything.

Barney, you don't catch feelings, you just have them. And they're good.

They're terrible! I can't eat, I can't sleep.

She's all I think about. I close my eyes, I see Robin.

- I... I hear a song, it reminds me of Robin. - Morning.

I sleep with that chick, I'm thinking about Robin.

Okay, so I don't know every single detail about Stella.

What's this really about? Do you not like her or something?

No, Ted, I like Stella a lot.

- She's a Mets fan. - Really?

It's just that everything with you guys has moved so fast.

You've only known each other a few months.

Don't you think maybe you should slow things down a little bit?

Get to know each other better?

I'll have a whole lifetime to get to know her better.

Right now, I know the one thing that I have to, that I love her.

You love her? Barney, how can you be in love

and still be sleeping with anything that moves?

I'm sorry, I don't follow you.

That's like saying, "How can an ant carry 20 times its body weight,

"but root beer floats are still delicious?" Are the two even related? Really?

Ow!

Barney, you're going to have to stop screwing around

if you want to be Robin's boyfriend.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Boyfriend? I don't want to be Robin's "boyfriend. "

Well, what do you want, then?

I don't know. I just want to be with her. All the time.

I want to hear about her day and tell her about mine.

I want to hold her hand and smell her hair.

But I don't want to be her stupid boyfriend.

Barney, what you just described

is a relationship between a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

And a pretty clingy one at that.

Look, Lily, are you going to help me out with this or not?

I'm a kindergarten teacher.

I see a confused little kid in the corner trying to eat the lefty scissors,

I gotta help the poor little bastard. But only if you stop sleeping around. Deal?

Deal.

Coming up next,

is your local ice-cream man actually driving a roving meth lab on wheels?

Stay tuned for the full scoop.

Really?

- Uh-huh? - Mmm.

I know dudes think it's girlie for a guy to cook, but us ladies?

- We find it mighty sexy. - Really?

You know, my grandma taught me how.

- Oh, yeah, she did. - Yeah.

Yeah, I had a lot of time after school to watch her cook,

- because I wasn't good at sports. - I'm on fire right now.

Delicious. What's in this pesto?

You know, the usual. Basil, garlic, olive oil. But can you guess my secret ingredient?

- Peanuts. - Yes. How did you know that?

- Okay, let me think. What else? - You know what, sweetie?

I woke up so early, and I had a really long day at work.

And then there was that whole thing where you tried to kill me.

Can we please just go to sleep?

No, I clearly need to know more about you.

- Let's do firsts. First kiss? - Dale Harris, second grade.

Wait, you're talking like peck on the cheek or a full-on passionate making out?

- Passionate making out. - Okay, yeah, Dale Harris, second grade.

First time you had sex.

- Dale Harris, second... - Stop it.

- Billy Devito, sophomore year of college. - Prude.

Molly McKenzie, junior year of high school.

Slut.

Robin just needs to see this new side of you.

- So just call her up? - Just call her up.

It's...

- She wasn't there. I left a voice mail. - You left a voice, but it wasn't male.

Barney, I don't get it. You've called a million girls a million times.

Yeah, but those were just booty calls.

On a booty call, you barely even have to talk.

Around 9:00 p. m., you say...

Hey, baby, it's Barney. You busy tonight?

Sweet. See you in half an hour? Can't wait.

But the later it gets, the fewer words you need.

Barney. Busy? Sweet.

And by 3:00 in the morning...

Sweet.

A question mark? You got laid off a question mark?

Ow!

Hey! It's no worse than your super-obvious code words.

- Rhinoceros. - We have to go.

Great. Now we need a new code word.

It's her, it's Robin. What do I do? No, no, no, no...

Robin, great to hear from you. To what do I owe the pleasure?

You called, went...

and hung up. What do you want?

Help me!

Just ask her something.

- How are you feeling today? - Fine.

Something personal.

At what age did you first get your period?

- Did you just ask me about my period? - No, I did not.

Look, Barney, I'm at work right now.

Just ask her out.

Robin, I was wondering if...

Nothing. Gotta go. Bye.

Ha, ha, ha.

That was just a practical joke. I'm not really in love with Robin.

You should've seen the look on your face.

There's cameras right there and there and there.

What a legendary prank that we're never going to speak of again.

Gross.

- First movie you ever saw. - Benji, 1981.

I watched it recently with Lucy and I just thought,

"That dog is so dead right now. "

What about you?

My dad took me to an old drive-in to see the original Star Wars.

You know, I've actually never seen Star Wars.

She's never seen Star Wars?

Ted, the only people in the universe who haven't seen Star Wars

are the characters in Star Wars, and that's 'cause they lived them, Ted!

- That's 'cause they lived the Star Wars. - You gotta calm down.

I told you. I told you you didn't know this girl well enough.

What if you show it to her and she doesn't like it?

Dude, it's just a movie.