Harley Quinn

Please! Please don't! Come on, I got a family!

Now, that's just a staging kill,

but if volcano sacrifices is your thing,

this is the lair for you.

I'll take it! Great!

I'll draw up the papers-- Aah... You know, on the other hand,

is the giant skull a bit too flashy for my brand?

Can we see some other options?

You'll love this one. A short getaway from all the major banks.

Sounds like a dream. Where is it?

You're standing on it.

An intricate system of tunnels carved by The Mole.

I mean, hey, I love it, but am I really going for a "mole lady" vibe?

Ah, okay. Next!

The last tenant, Mr. Freeze, did a number on the place,

but the castle is perfect for entertaining.

Hmm, not sure my nips

and her buds can handle this cold.

You've seen six lairs.

Okay, thank you.

Let's just discuss this out of the cold.

A super villain's lair is a reflection of who they really are.

So, who is Harley Quinn?

That's a hard question to ans--

Harls, you got us uniforms!

Ooh, Suicide Squad! Is that our name?

Ugh, it's a group that keeps trying to get me to join.

I don't want to run lines with you.

Good! Because I despise that phrase.

People run marathons, not lines.

Actors exchange true

Look what Harley got us.

Ah! Ah! Come on!

Ivy, you're evicted! You and the circus act here

need to move out faster than sauerkraut through my lower intestine.

Yes, Sy! We're leaving in a minute.

Good. I'm showing the place to

That just cost you your security deposit!

You know what, why don't I come back another time?

No, sorry, sorry, don't go. Don't go.

Look, it's just Joker made the big decisions.

Okay. How about we ask you

some questions and maybe that'll help?

Worth a shot. Why did you first become a villain?

Well, you know, it's because--

There you go. You know this answer.

Uh, well... You know this.

I guess...

I don't know. Oh, my God.

What villain do you most admire?

I don't know! Harley!

Chocolate or vanilla! I don't know!

Harley! I can't help you, until you tell me

who you are!

I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!

Oh, shit. Harley?

Honey, can you hear me?

"Dry clean only." Fuck this.

Okay, who broke Harley?

Harley, are you in there?

Dude?

Whoa! Stop!

Unmouth her, fiend!

I was just trying to give her CPR.

Harley, snap out of it! Come on!

Ah! No response to physical stimuli.

It's probably a level-four brain freeze.

Psycho, can you fix her? Like, go in her brain

and do the fucking thing.

That sounds like something a doctor could do.

But not someone you just referred to as "Psycho."

Ugh, fine, Dr. Psycho!

Yes!

Can you fix her?

Can I fix her? Of course I can fix her!

I'm just gonna slip inside her brain,

do my thing, wham-bam, thank you, ma'am

and I'm done in-a two minutes.

Oh, fucking gross! You think I'm gonna let you creep around

Harley's head without us, you perv?

Yes! Perv! You're the perv!

But, as a professional, I will tell you to prepare

because this is serious, meticulous, neuron processing

we're about to undertake.

Now, everyone hold hands

and squeeze your butt cheeks together.

Ahh!

Whoa! Everyone okay?

Where's Psycho?

Dr. Psycho!

What an ugly baby I have birthed.

Does he taste like fudge? In my dreams, he does.

Huh, Harley's brain is much cleaner

and less Harley-ish than I would have imagined.

I know! I know. Because this is her Museum of Memories.

Oh! Look.

You came home late again, Nick,

smelling like alcohol and whore.

She's just a friend from work.

Stop breathing down my neck, Sharon.

Can't breathe down what's not there,

you cocksucker!

Mamma mia!

It's pretty good scene work for a six-year-old.

I am honored to be the valedictorian,

and I just want to thank absolutely no one.

Fuck all of ya!

Fuck the principal. Fuck the shop teacher

that looks at my ass every time I walk out of class.

Yeah, I see you.

Have a great fucking summer!

I basically gave the same speech at my sister's wedding.

Ah! Harley! Oh, hey, guys.

Wait. How can Harley be in here

if we're in Harley, and if Harley is--

Yeah, I wouldn't think too hard about bringing logic for the next 20 minutes.

We're just here to give you a hard reboot.

Ooh. Ow! Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, listen up.

While I find the switch, you follow hooker rules.

No kissing on the mouth? I'm sorry.

Stripper rules.

Look but don't touch.

The brain will protect itself if it feels threatened.

Hey, Ive, I think there's something really screwed up about me.

I want to say this in just the most loving way,

but, there's no way that this is just occurring to you now?

No, I mean, screwed up on top of the regular screwed up.

I mean, why can't I make a decision?

Well, we're in your mind right now,

so the answer has to be here somewhere.

Oh, I remember this!

Okay, it's when that bleached asshole pushed me

and bleached mine. Look! Look!

Hey, it glitched and skipped over Joker pushing me.

Wha-- It did it again. Did you see that?

Whoa, that's weird.

It's like a piece of your memory is missing.

Ive, this is my origin story. It says so right here.

Look, your origin story's how you become who you are.

If it's screwed up, no surprise I am.

Ugh, let me see this.

Reboot time.

Um, I, uh, I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't-- Oh!

No one listens to me!

Who touched something? Who did it?

Was I not clear about the stripper rule?

I was just trying to touch myself!

That is a stripper rule.

You triggered a brain lockdown.

We need to get out of here before

Ah! Before that happens. Now we're trapped.

Now, this apartment's a beaut.

It's got a lot of light. Perfect place for a fami

Jesus Christ!

All right, the place isn't ready. You'll come back tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Why aren't you moving? Tomorrow, get out. Get out!

You forgot the baby!

All right, let's see now.

Let's see. Why do they print the numbers so small?

Black Mamba, this is Gerbil, it happened again.

No, no, no, no. The fuck? Are we trapped in here?

You need to tell me right now if we're trapped in here!

'Cause I'm gonna freak the fuck out!

What's gonna happen to my plants, man?

Girl, we need to get you friends.

"Oh, we wanna come with you.

We're afraid you're gonna mind molest her!"

Now who's the mind molesters? You!

You are the mind molesters!

Ooh, are you lost, little girl?

No need for tears, munchkin.

I'll help you find your way.

Ow! Oh! Oh! Get off me! Oh, stop!

This little child is killing me!

Why did that sweet little you attack me?

Oh, yeah, I wasn't sweet at that age. Or any age, really,

but I was a total shit back then.

Which is why the brain sent it.

It thinks we're intruders.

And yes, if we die in Harley's mind,

we die in real life!

Ooh, Nightmare on Elm Street rules.

Do you have any insights on what we should do here?

Run! Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

Exit with alacrity.

Harleys, this is Harley, stop!

God, I hate brain physics.

Hey, quit it and I'll tell you where Mom hides the makeup.

Damn it. I was sure that was gonna work.

Come on. Stop fucking around and follow me.

We got an elevator.

You know, in a way, it's almost, like, comforting to know

that you've always been this fucked up.

Yeah, isn't it? You know, I'm starting to realize why my mother recycled

so many wine bottles back then.

Fun as this has been, let's get the fuck out of here, all right?

There should be an emergency exit

to the real world in Harley's subconscious somewhere,

which I think is this button