The Domestics

You probably already know what happened.

Then again, you might not.

You might not even give a shit.

But I'm gonna tell you anyway.

We all went about our daily lives,

oblivious to how bad things were in the world.

And then they hit the reset button,

erasing all of their problems along with hundreds of millions of lives.

No one saw it coming.

The end.

The lucky ones were dead in seconds.

As for the rest of us,

immune to the black poison, we had to decide.

Hang on to the civility of the past,

or become savages in a new dark future.

Hey, kids, this is 99.2 KILU...

and you're listening to Crazy AI's radio party, The Last Radio Show.

Here's another safety update for all you domestics out there,

just trying to stay alive.

If you're new to the area, listen up,

and I'll fill you in on all the shit we've been dealing with

here, in the once beautiful Midwest.

Still no word from the US government. What a shocker.

But I suppose when you make the decision to crop dust your country

with deadly chemicals, there's really not much more to say.

I guess that's what happens when a democracy turns into a dictatorship.

You thought we had problems before?

Debts, disease, dwindling resources?

Some barista put too much syrup in your macchiato fucking Frappuccino?

You know what I saw the other day?

A guy wearing a goddamn deer head holding an AK-47.

The crazy thing is, the son of a bitch used to be my neighbor.

This once great nation on God's green earth

no longer belongs to God.

It belongs to the gangs.

That's right, daddy-o, the Midwest may have been

the land of macaroni casserole, fresh cut lawns and Schlitz beer,

but we've got some of the worst gangs in the country.

Nailers, Plowboys,

Gamblers, Cherries, Sheets,

just to name a few.

They're all bad news.

So keep your eyes open, your guns loaded,

because in this world, you shoot first, then run like hell.

You dig?

Well, that's enough of my bullshitting, let's play some music.

We're on day 902 of our weekend oldies marathon.

You might be asking,

"Crazy Al, is this not the weekend anymore?"

Well, honey, I just don't give a fuck.

With that said, here's Roosevelt Nettles on the Chess label

with Drifting Heart.

So you're really doing this.

- Yep. - Why?

You got everything you need right here.

You think I don't know that?

I know it's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done.

But I still love her.

You see, this is why I never got married.

Look, Mark, I'm not gonna tell you what to do,

because I know you know what's out there.

You get one flat tire, you're fucking dead.

If you still feel this is the only way to save your marriage,

for the love of God,

take a different car.

I fixed it.

- You fixed it? - Yep.

Uh, are we still talking about the same car?

I fixed it.

Crazy AI's radio party. The music time machine...

Hi, this is Crazy Al.

It looks like it's gonna be another shitty-ass day, daddy-o.

Thanks for tuning into KILU radio.

No requests, no dedications,

just a kick ass soundtrack to your new way of life.

Stay off the freeways and watch out for those snipers.

And if you see someone dressed like a ghost,

shoot that motherfucker because Sheets ain't trick-or-treating.

As that great philosopher Baba-Oom-Mow-Mow once said

"Doo-wop unto others as you would have them doo-wop unto you."

Come on, let's make this quick.

Those fuckers are still out there.

Fuck the Sheets. Fucking pussies.

Those fucking pussies just kicked our asses.

Come on, let's eat some beans and get the fuck outta here.

We still got that town up the road.

Open the door.

Hold down the gas.

You guys want any salt and pepper?

Come one.

Here's another safety update for all you domestics out there

braving the barren countryside.

It's official that Sheets and Nailers are in a turf war.

I know you fuckers can hear me out there.

So do us all a favor and just kill each other

so we can get on with our lives.

With that said, it's time to get safe.

Pull off the roads, find some shelter,

because the sun is going down.

thirty-five past the hour and you're listening to Crazy AI's radio party...

We should stay off the roads.

Crash here for the night.

Do you think it's safe?

We'll find out.

This will never be us, I promise.

Miss Milwaukee, this is Eagle. Over.

Miss Milwaukee, this is Eagle. Over.

Mom?

Okay.

I just wanted to let you know that we're on our way.

I wish I could hear your voice.

I know Mark wants to fix things between us.

I just don't know how. We've been broken for too long.

I wish you could tell me everything's going to be all right.

I miss you.

You remember when we used to complain about the Milwaukee drive?

Five hours.

Seems like nothing now.

You think I'll be able to, uh...

To get your dad to give me his gun this time?

The one you always steal from his safe?

Mmm. The Wildey Magnum? Yeah.

I doubt it.

He doesn't like you.

No, he does not.

I'm actually pretty sure the last thing he said to me was

"Get your shit together, you clown."

It was nice.

That sounds about right.

Good night, Markus.

All right, kids, it's 20 past the hour

and this is crazy Al, bringing you words of wisdom

and a whole lot of good goddamn music, too.

Hey, we are on day 903 of our weekend oldies marathon.

With that said, here's a sleepy little tune.

Denny Reed on the Trey label.

It's called No One Cares.

Where you headed?

You guys and your scary masks.

Argh!

No, stop. Please.

Stop! Stop! Stop, please!

Please don't do it.

My guys are tired. Angry.

They need a little morale boost. Understand?

Now if you happened to know where we could find a woman's touch...

- No. - ...we'd greatly appreciate it.

I wouldn't want these animals to have to go to town on your friend here.

Not their preference.

We're the same, you and I.

You do this for me, I'd personally see to it that you live.

Join the Nailers and own the fucking world.

I'm nothing like you.

Fuck it! Come on.

Wait, please, please. Listen, I saw someone.

A girl. A girl and a guy, up Shadow Brook Road.

This house had Christmas lights.

Did it have a manger? You know, the baby Jesus thing?

Yeah, we hit that shit up the other day.

No. No. This was last night.

You just let them go?

They seemed, uh...

They seemed nice.

What about this one?

Fuck!

Fuck him.

I don't want to die here.

We're not.

We are not.

I want to go home.

Hey, we are, okay? We are. I'm going to take you home, okay?

It's going to be okay, all right?

Look at me. Hey, it's going to be fine.

Say it for me.

Come on, say it.

Be careful.

Miss Milwaukee, this is Eagle. Over.

Miss Milwaukee, this is Eagle. Over.

Mom?

Here's another safety update

for all you domestics out there.

Word on the street is there's a renegade Cherry

saving women and killing anyone in her way.

Look out, boys, she's a fucking psycho!

There's also a lone wolf roaming the countryside,

who likes to get kinky with a straight razor.

I mean, come on! Who comes up with this shit?

Is the world really this crazy? Of course it is,

or my name isn't Crazy Al!

Hold it.

Drop the basket and put the gun on the ground. Slow.

Don't try anything. I'm not alone.

Fuck.

Just take whatever you want, okay? Just let us go.

All I'm looking for...

Is a handshake, friend.

Here.

Take it.

Nathan Wood.

Mark West.