If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium

Saith Solomon in the Book,

"Rise up, my love and come away. For lo, the winter is past.

"The flowers appear on the earth,

"and the voice of the tourist is heard in our land.”

Excuse me, ma'am, hi. I have relatives in Italy.

Now, if I eat all my meals with them while we're there, can I apply for a refund?

It's the same for everybody.

Nine countries, 18 days. $448.50. No refunds.

Irma, we're only going for 18 days.

Now, let's say that I hook up with just one chick, just one in each country...

Wow, I only hope I have enough stamina.

Bert, baby, you don't even score in this country.

This is Europe, Steve. Everybody scores in Europe!

I don't understand. How can you blow every penny you saved for years

on one lousy trip to Europe?

Because that's where I had the best time of my life, World War Il.

Come on!

Samantha, if I go with you, we can be married in Europe.

Maybe next trip.

Always that maybe.

Well, that's why I'm taking this trip, George.

To be sure.

Shelly! That settles it. You're coming to Europe with us.

TWA Flight 700 now arriving, London from New York.

If it's Tuesday this must be Belgium

If it's Wednesday this must be Rome

If it's Thursday this must be Montreux

I fear I never wanna go home

If this is London why ain't it raining?

The sun is shining on St. Paul's dome

If this is real, then I must be dreaming

Can't wait to tell the folks back home

Can't wait to tell the folks back home

If it's Tuesday this must be Belgium

If it's Wednesday this must be Rome

If it's Thursday this must be Montreux

I fear I never wanna go home

I fear I never wanna go home

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

-What's up, love? -Me.

It's after 8:00 and I'm one hour late.

My Americans are landing at London Airport this very minute.

My, we are in a flit, aren't we?

Now, you don't know Yanks.

When they drop out of the sky wearing all that wash-and-wear,

they want their tour guide standing at attention and in full battle dress.

Where are my socks?

Here! Must you crawl all over me like some great monkey?

Now, you didn't mind a few hours ago, did you?

That was different.

Indeed it was, and it was lovely.

For me as well, love.

Charlie, is it fun?

I thought we'd just agreed that, eh?

No, not that. Traveling around Europe with all those people.

It's not traveling.

It's a mad dash through nine bloody countries

in 18 bloodier days, that's what it is.

And I have to be mother and father,

psychiatrist, a host, teacher, interpreter,

peacemaker and joke-maker, to a silly crowd of Americans

identical to my last silly crowd of Americans, and my next crowd.

Well, they're like Chinese waiters, you know.

If you've seen one Yank tourist, you've seen them all.

How can he be an hour late? Maybe we're in the wrong place.

Maybe we're in the wrong country.

Maybe one of us should contact someone from World Wind Tours.

Me, I guess.

-Oh, are you the guide for the World... -Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, love.

Some cheeky traffic cop stopped us and gave Marcel a bloody ticket.

Looks like he was very sweet to you.

That might very well be my wife's, if I was married.

I'm Charles Cartwright.

Charlie to my little groups from across the sea.

And you are Miss...

About to turn into an ugly American right before your very eyes.

Not possible.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to make sure that nobody is missing

before we start out upon our great adventure.

Mr. and Mrs. Harve Blakely.

Oh, I'm here, but Irma's in the...

-Mr. Jack Harmon. -Yo!

Mr. John Marino.

Did you say John Marino? I'm John Marino.

Is Mr. and Mrs. Fred Ferguson here?

Long enough to have squatters rights, mister.

Miss Shelly Ferguson? Is Shelly Ferguson here?

Boy, am I ever.

-Mrs. Freda Gooding. -Present.

Mr. Bert Greenfield.

Bert Greenfield. Oh, oh, here. Who wants me?

-Mrs. Jenny Grant. -Here and ready to go!

-Mr. Harry Dix. -What? Oh, here.

-Sam Perkins. -That's Samantha.

Oh, I'm sorry, they've abbreviated it here. Is that Miss or Mrs.?

-Miss. -Which is as good as a mile, eh?

-And Miss Charlene Kane. -Here.

Oh, here's Irma.

It took me 10 minutes to figure out what WC means.

Congratulations.

World Wind Tour Number 225, all present and correct!

Avanti!

Let's move out!

Ladies and gentlemen, this will be, for the next three weeks,

your home sweet home away from home sweet home,

complete with all comforts of same.

Reclining seats, which we will alternate so that everyone gets a turn at the windows.

Rather like a game of musical chairs.

Oh, and speaking of music, we have music to fit not only the mood,

but whatever country we happen to be in.

It's so, sort of, foreign looking.

Yup, there's nothing like it back home.

Would you all gather round me, please?

I will now distribute your room keys.

Mr. Harry Dix, room 405.

Mrs. Jenny Grant.

Irma?

I don't think the 10 rolls you brought will be enough.

I'm telling you, Fred, it is not a planter.

Too high for a footbath.

Is it bigger than a bread box?

With a mind like yours, is it any wonder she's growing up wild?

"Dear guys,

"you should see the wild English chick I'm sitting with right now.

"Words can't even begin to describe her.

"You wanted pictures of the victims?

"Well, here's the mini-hoo-ha I'll never forget.

"England is great. The weather hasn't cleared up yet, but my skin has."

And now, for your sightseeing pleasure,

World Wind Tours is happy to present

2,000 years of British history in one afternoon,

so try not to nap, folks, you could miss a century.

Our first stop, the historic Tower of London.

Here, you're in the presence of one of history's greatest marital tragedies.

On this very spot, Henry VIII had not one but two of his six wives executed.

What did those two wives ever do to him?

They suggested a World Wind Tour.

Passing on our right is a troop of Her Majesty's Horse Guards.

That's where our foreign aid goes!

To some, this pageantry may seem extravagant,

but it's an eternal symbol of British glory.

Do you realize what a horse eats every day?

Mr. Ferguson, you're a hopeless romantic.

And now, the most vital attraction on any tour of London,

a stop at that elegant, understated repository of British tradition,

Carnaby Street.

Edna, this is no place for any daughter of mine.

Daddy it's the first place I've been today that isn't 270 trillion years old!

But look at this place.

Look at the people.

Look at the clothes.

And our cute, cool and kooky number.

Oh, wow, is that ever in.

No, Shelly, it is definitely out.

Don't you like it, sir?

Well, on you, I love it. On her, over my dead body!

We haven't lost a father yet.

Well, you're losing one now.

And now, as our final treat of the day,

for that moment of British culture you've all been waiting for,

I'll leave you in the capable hands of...

Mrs. Featherstone is my name and I am your special guide

for this very special place, the Victoria and Albert Museum. Hello.

Now then, before we proceed,

I must caution you to keep together throughout our browse.

That is why I carry this. Your stars and stripes forever, hmm?

So, wherever you are in there, when my little flag goes up,

you must rally round as your own song instructs.

Very well, then. All together now, shall we? Rally!

I'll get you for this, Edna.

And here we have a prime example

of mid-19th century canine statuary. And this...

...made of marble.

And this double canopied bedstead, believe it or not,

is made of papier-maché with lacquered...

We have here a 15th-century Italian whale head.

As I like to say at this particular spot, well, well, well.

Rally!

No matter how long it takes, Edna, I'll get you for this.

Sore leg, Harve? No.

Imagine, we saw all of England in just one day.

One more day like this and I'll kill myself.

While I check my messages, why don't you go upstairs and get yourself into...

Well, out of all that fantastic...

-Oh, Charlie. -What?

-Want an early morning call, love? -Oh, definitely not!

Early morning calls are for people who sleep.

Mr. Cartwright.

Miss Sam.

-What are all you ladies doing here? -Waiting for you, Charlie, my boy.

Me? Whatever for?

London by night. It's right here, in the World Wind Tour brochure,

under "First Day's Activities, Night."

Piccadilly Circus, Soho and a typical old English pub.

Well, ladies, I've been guiding tours for six years now, and nobody's ever wanted this.

Well, what with the time difference and the first day's sightseeing,

well, you must be all exhausted.