Modern Family

Come on, Joe. Buff that sucker.

What'd I teach you?

Sanitary.

Is Joe applying for a job in a train station in 1940?

Just teaching him a few things every man should know.

Someone has to get in there early,

or sometimes the kid turns out funny.

Knock, knock.

Hey, Phil. Hey, guys.

Phil, in here!

You ready to tackle your website?

I know I'm here a little early.

I thought I was gonna be...

Do you recognize that?

Are you kidding? I love your sauce.

Some of it fell out of my burrito last night,

and I licked it right off the remote.

That's Auntie Alice's new sauce!

She stole my recipe!

I know.

I am the crazy Colombian that always loses her temper

and needs to be calmed down by the white people.

No! I don't think you're being crazy enough.

I'm not a violent man, but I know how nuts it can make you

to create something special only to have it stolen from you.

Do you remember a hit song called "Happy?"

Yeah, it was like a couple of years ago

with the clapping and the hat.

A couple of years ago, huh?

So a full four years after this burst on the scene.

Sounds just a little similar, right?

A little, but... Thank you!

But do you think that he saw this?

Um, it had 27 views.

Come on. We're going down to that market

to make that old bat cease and desist.

I will not stand idly by

while Auntie Alice Pharrell Williamses you.

Where are you two going?

To the market.

We need olives!

Captions by VITAC...

And then when the lights go out, she'll be able to read

the glow-in-the-dark ink on your T-shirt.

Oh, my God. She's gonna love it. She? Who's she?

What are you guys working on?

Nothing. Nothing.

Oh, okay. I get it, yeah.

He's... I'll just be down in the bedroom, you know,

at the end of the... At the end of the hall.

Hey, thanks for your help.

I really like this girl,

and there's just so much pressure

to do something spectacular when you ask a girl out to prom.

Is there something wrong with your air vents?

No, Cam breathes through his nose when he hides.

A promposal? To who? Laurie Vock?

Oh, no. She's Ian Jacobs' girl.

Melanie Rylance? You have to be careful with her.

She has more cold sores than Abby Burmeister.

But seriously, Luke, everything you say here

is completely confidential.

Oh, you know, they are looking for chaperones for prom,

and I thought maybe we could...

No, we have tickets to the opening of "Cabaret" that night.

I'm not missing it so I can tell some teenage girl

to keep her dress on.

I spent my own prom doing that.

Okay, can I just point out the absurdity

that you ask this uncle to advise you and not this uncle,

who hung a Valentine's banner outside of his office

that said, "Mitchell,

you're the best husband, father, and lover."

Didn't love all three of those being rolled into one sentence.

Sounded a little Ozark-y.

No, Cam. Stop. What?

Luke's just looking for an adviser

who's a little more understated

and a little less, you know...

David Stuart.

Oh, I get it.

He's quite gay. Yes, I got it.

Okay, well, you know what?

I would hate to muck up your promposal

with my flair and panache.

I'm sure the lucky girl will swoon with delight

when you use a mustard bottle

to write "Wanna go?" on her turkey burger.

Hello?

There's an intruder in the house.

What?!

But you have nothing to worry about

with Pritchett's Guardian 3000 Closet,

which doubles as a military-grade panic room.

So no intruder? No!

I'm just so excited about this idea.

I'm debuting it next week at ClosetCon.

What do you think?

I think I'm studying for finals.

Can't you scare the crap out of a focus group?

Like I'm gonna share my best closet idea

with a room full of strangers

four days before the most hotly anticipated

storage convention in North America.

Good point. You do have Haley's number, right?

Alex Dunphy, would you make me the happiest cat in school

and swing by prom with me?

Sha-Na-nope.

Hey, Jerry.

For some reason, I'm locked out of my computer.

Apparently, someone tried

to access my e-mail before I got in.

Someone hell-bent on leaking company secrets.

It is four days until C-Con, and Pritchett's Closets has a mole.

No one is above suspicion.

Margaret, where were you this morning at 9:45 a.m.?

I'm so sorry I was late.

I was at Overeaters Anonymous.

I woke up next to the ice cream again.

So not Margaret.

I know who that locker belongs to.

I can't believe you're asking that cheap Ho to the prom.

Cam! Sarah Ho!

She gave me a $5 gift card for Teacher Appreciation Day.

What's with the birds?

Oh, these are just some turtledoves

for Manny's promposal.

You're joking.

You felt so slighted over Luke asking me

that you foisted yourself on Manny?

There was no foisting.

I asked Manny if he needed help.

He was too proud to admit that he did, so here we are.

Is it possible there's something deeper going on with you

around this whole prom area?

Is it possible you're second-guessing

your no-frills approach?

Especially compared to turtledoves, backup dancers,

and dry ice so Manny can appear in a cloud of mist.

A cloud of mist?

Like in a movie?

Is our thing gonna seem lame now?

Steady.

Now, now. I'm sure your thing is fine.

What did your little locker note say?

"Go to the gym."

Intriguing.

What delights await her in the gym?

Another note telling her to go to the parking lot.

Well, I should help Manny set up.

Should I be worried?

Don't freak me out right now, okay?

Okay. All right. It's fine. Just fine.

You don't have to use it, but at least you'll have it.

Hello, Auntie Alice.

Or should she say Auntie Malice?

No, Gloria's right. It's Alice.

I didn't know you were in today.

You're in... Trouble!

Is he okay?

You stole my sauce! What?

Uh, I'm sorry. Maybe you don't hear so good.

She said, "You... stole...

her... sauce."

Wow.

That's spicy.

That's not the sauce she stole.

That's her Volcano sauce.

In her ad, one drop

turns a hockey rink into a swimming pool.

It's her new sauce, the one that tastes just like mine.

How are you going to explain that?

Yeah, we want answers and a little bread.

Your fight's not with me.

I'm not really Auntie Alice.

Oh, come on.

Your cute face is in the bottle!

Auntie Alice is a brand that was created by a big corporation.

So they were the ones who stole my sauce?

They steal all kinds of products.

And they have an army of lawyers

just ready to crush anyone who challenges them.

So we just have to take it?

Ow!

It's in my eye! Oh!

Please don't repeat any of this, or I could lose my job.

I'm still paying off my improv classes.

How is this food?!

This will probably be yours someday,

so no reason you shouldn't learn to do this.

Does Manny know how to change oil?

Bath oils. What?

Bath oil?

There's my guy.

Let me grab the dipstick.

This stick?

Ow!

Manny. Okay. I just briefed the team.

Dry ice is ready. Bow ties are on the birds.

Save it, Cam.