Better Things

- Hey. - What the hell are you doing?

I was hungry. Taste.

- Carbonara. - You don't have to tell me.

So good.

So...

Can we talk about the man that was in your bed?

Mom, what is the big deal? Jason sleeps over all the time.

Not the same. This kid was old.

Don't treat me like a baby. You can't stop me from having agency over myself.

I know you think I'm an idiot, but I swear to you

that I know more about boys and men than you do right now.

Says the woman who hasn't had a single successful relationship

during my entire lifetime.

I'm okay with that.

Mom, I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to help you.

So can we please talk about the Hinge profile that I made you?

We need to have the talk, okay?

A discussion about this, about the boy in your bed.

It doesn't have to be today, but

we're gonna have a talk.

You and I need to have a discussion, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

Mom, in a few years, my sisters and I will all have moved out,

and you'll just be dating Gran.

So we need to find you a man who's responsible enough to take care of you

if you break a hip or something

but still immature enough with you to play pranks.

God, just make sure he has a job and nice teeth.

Got me.

When we're married, I want you to make this for me once a week.

I'm never getting married again. I don't believe in marriage.

Neither do I.

- Jesus. - Lock the doors, shelter in place.

Oh, my God! Man!

I called the police about the helicopters.

There's a robbery suspect running around the hills.

- You gave me a heart attack, Phil. - Oh, how lovely.

Is this a late night bite, or an early morning biadh-maidne?

Her nibs made it. I want to put some of this chili... Can you do this?

- I'm so sorry you've got that. - It's fine.

My mother had bad hands, too.

Blame her. And me, I suppose.

If I ever get the impulse to strike up conversation

with complete strangers everywhere I go,

I will 100% hold it against you, Sam.

Great. Now I have something else to be anxious about.

Mom.

Aside from now... do you ever get anxiety?

What's the point of that?

That must come from the Jewish side of your family.

Anxiety? Useless emotion.

It's a good thing we took that DNA test,

because sometimes I really doubt we're related.

Oh, we most certainly are.

After your brother ripped me wide open with his ridiculously large head,

I simply refused to have an episiotomy with you.

Well, good thing I probably slipped right out because

tiny, and you being all primed and all.

Oh, no. They had to break your collar bone to get you out.

You screamed bloody murder.

If you think about it, Sam, it was either your collar bone or her vagina.

Kind of like Sophie's Choice but with body parts.

Jesus!

INSTAGRAN

I just want to say, if you take any nudes of yourself,

they will last forever on the interwebs, so best not to take them.

And it becomes everyone else's property.

Although, I had an extremely beautiful body when I was young,

so it doesn't matter much to me. And see here, I don't have dowager's hump.

My sister has one, and you're getting one. See there?

- Jesus, I am? - Well, sit up straight, I've told you.

God, I feel it.

Okay, back on track.

- Phil. - What?

What if your brain starts becoming like sand through a sifter,

and I don't know enough things?

- Like what? - Like anything.

Like, do you have something hidden anywhere?

Did you ever keep a journal? Any kind of secrets that you need to tell me?

Anything practical.

Well, Frankie and Duke have my pin numbers, my cash, my passwords,

they key to my safe deposit box.

What? They do?

And if my brain becomes like sand through a sifter,

then take me out the back, shoot me straight away, burn me,

and then sprinkle my ashes across the seven corners of the seven seas.

That sounds easy.

Also, your father might not be your father.

But we'll know that from the DNA test, won't we?

Cut.

It's special here, isn't it? None of those mall sheep.

And, of course, we've always got good product

'cause the Jews give back to themselves.

Of course, it's high-end stuff.

I just come here on Tuesday and Thursdays

to give my son's wife a break from me.

There's that man again.

- Better watch him. - I'll handle it.

How might I be able to help you?

You should get rid of every movie made recently. They're all garbage.

Well, you're entitled to your opinion. It's a free country.

Arguable. These say a buck apiece.

I'm not paying more than 50 cents for anything made after 1979,

'cause they're all crap.

The prices are as marked, but if your budget won't stretch,

I'd be happy to cover the difference, because

I happen to have a very famous, extremely wealthy daughter

who takes care of me.

Who's your daughter?

Cate Blanchett.

All right, let me give you a card.

- Take a couple. - Thank you.

- "Morty Mandelbaum." - Morty.

- Morty. Sorry. - Yeah. Yeah, I'm SAG.

Oh, interesting. I'll give this to my daughter. If I don't use it myself...

See this?

They cut me out of it.

Okay, everyone, ten minutes till closing.

Excuse me.

Ah, I see you found lots of bargains.

Well, I like to put my money where my mouth is.

Oh, well, I don't remember these being half off.

This is Prada! This is definitely not half price.

Oh, really? I don't know how that happened.

Sorry, mis-marked, I hadn't realized.

My fault.

Look. How charming.

- I love you, Duke. - Mom!

Sorry. Cute!

- Bye, now. - Okay. Bye. I'm Duke's mom.

You're gonna close the thing.

She's one of those.

We will start with our pliés. Two demi, one grand, all positions.

And... plié.

And plié.

And five, six, seven, eight.

Long neck. Small head.

That's good for a ballerina.

And you are going to need to add swimming and Pilates to dance class.

What happened to your leg?

Soccer.

Soccer places extreme rotational stress on your knees,

as well as your ligaments, so you're going to have to choose.

Ballet or soccer.

Hi.