Siblings

So the three of them go in the bank. They just look like normal guys,

you know, glasses, trench coats.

Then the girl drops her bag and suddenly it is like...

IMPERSONATES A MACHINE GUN

Wait, wait, hold on - when did this happen?

Uh...1999, I think? Then they did Reloaded.

And then Revolutions.

Have you just been describing The Matrix to me for 20 minutes?

You said it was a real story!

I said it could be, that's sort of the point of the film.

Whatever. Ooh, I'd better get to work, it's 10.30, can't be too late.

Come on, sis, stay. You said your boss doesn't care when you turn up.

I said he doesn't remember when I turn up.

One of the perks of having a department run by an alcoholic.

That and the time he had the water dispenser filled with Ouzo.

Oh, my God.

Seriously though, it's taken ages

but I've finally figured out how to do zero work but still keep my job.

The trick is to get in six minutes after Andy's

had his mid-morning bourbon - that way his head's still a bit fuzzy.

OK, fine but while you're at work,

what am I supposed to do? I have been so bored this week.

Yesterday, I took apart all the plug sockets.

Day before that I had a yogurt in the bath. What now?

Dan, it's not my fault you don't have anyone to hang out with.

Fine, but if I choke to death trying to see how many forks

I can fit in my mouth, I'm going to blame you.

Sorry I'm late, boss. I brought you a coffee.

It's got a shot of Bailey's in it, just the way you like it.

Aw, thank you, Hannah. I'm actually on my way out...for good!

You're leaving?

The powers that be have spoken, Hannah, and they have said,

"You've got a problem and you're running this place into the ground."

Well, what happens now?

Well, they said something about rehab but...

No, for me. I mean, are you coming back?

No, but I'm sure they've got a replacement lined up. A replacement?

Someone a bit more "switched on" and less "frighteningly incompetent".

No! Come on, Andy, we've got to fight this.

You are the best boss I've ever had.

Really? Yes!

I mean, OK, so you got drunk

and pissed yourself in a couple of meetings. So what, who hasn't?!

What other boss would let me take a week off just

to finally nail down my "summer look".

Ah, that means a lot, Hannah. You've always stuck by me.

Even after you caught me spanking it in the conference room.

What? No, that... That wasn't me.

See, I am just not switched on.

Oh, that feels good.

Is it all right if I sit here?

What are you working on?

Er... It's er...a screenplay.

That is so cool. I've been meaning to get on that stuff.

I had an idea for a film set entirely in space.

How long you been working on that?

About 18 months.

Sorry, I really need to focus.

Oh, sure. Pretend I'm not here.

Dude, you're a film buff - what's your take on the theory going around

that every Keanu Reeves film is actually set within the Matrix.

That's why he plays all the characters the same way.

Hey, mate...

Woooaah!

Please, don't...

I'm joking, I'm joking.

You backed up, right? You should always back up.

Oh, hey, careful!

Sorry.

I am exhausted.

I've spent the whole day looking for people to hang out with.

I've been everywhere - the cinema, bowling alley, hospital.

Hospital?

Yeah, but it was a total flop.

Although, I did manage to swipe a bunch of the stuff

they use to make leg casts.

What's all this?

Oh, I'm just stalking my new head of department.

Wait, what happened to boozy Andy? Did his liver explode?

Even worse, he got fired!

It's so unfair, he was a functioning alcoholic. They're the best kind!

They're fun and they get shit done.

Now I've got to start again with this new woman, Annette Walker.

So what are you looking for?

Just anything I can use to schmooze.

Get on her good side early like I did with Andy.

The problem is there are loads of

different Annette Walkers on LinkedIn.

This one went to the University of Hull.

This one's from Costa Rica. I'm going to have to learn all of this.

When I need to remember something, I just squeeze my fists real tight.

Oh, my God?!

Oh, yeah, this is Biscuits.

I met him in the park, we hung out a bit.

He sort of...followed me home.

Dan, please get rid of him now.

Nah, come on, Biscuits is fine.

Yesterday I saw a mouse kill his whole family.

Do you guys like sesame?

Yeah, all right, I'll get rid of him after dinner.

Hi, Annette, I just wanted to introduce myself.

I'm Hannah, the Executive Team Assistant.

I brought you a nice cup of Joe.

Oh, well that's great, thank you, Hannah.

Yeah, the beans come all the way from Costa Rica.

Beautiful part of the world, don't you think?

I've never been.

Cool, cool.

Still, not many Costa Ricans at the University Of Hull. A fantastic...

Ugh, another bloody LinkedIn invite.

My cousin, just cos she's started making miniature figurines

out of candle wax, thinks she's a businesswoman.

So you're not on LinkedIn, then?

Sorry, Hannah, is there something I can help you with, or...?

No, I just wanted to come to introduce myself and see how

you were settling in.

Oh, slowly but surely.

I've got to say, Andy's left this department in a real mess.

Literally.

Most of those cabinets were just full of banana peel

and Turkish delight.

Yeah, that was his hangover cure.

To be honest, I'm worried the whole system's going to need an overhaul.

Overhaul?! That sounds serious.

I mean, looking at these appraisals,

Kevin's position basically encompasses your job.

If that's true, we're just throwing money away.

Then again, they were all covered in rum, so who knows what to believe.

I think there's room for both me and Kevin.

I mean, yes, Kevin can be incompetent and very...homophobic.

So I guess if one of us had to go...

I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Oh, while you're here, Angela is away,

so if you could outline all her 2014 policies by the end of the day

that would be great.

You want me to do all of these by two?!

No, I want them done by six.

Oh, yeah, six, obviously.

6pm, when I normally leave the office.

MOBILE RINGS

What is it, Dan?

I've written a rap from the perspective of a slaughtered cow.

What? I figured I'd try writing a rap.

It's from the perspective... Dan, I'm way too busy.

It turns out just I spent the whole weekend

looking up facts about Costa Rica for nothing.

Let me just give you the first verse then. This is serious, Dan, I've got to figure this out.

Otherwise she's going to realise I don't do anything around here

and she's going to get rid of me.

Oh, shit, she's talking to Kevin. I've got to go.

Hey, gang! What's the goss?

Er, Kevin's taking me through the old liability data.

Like I say, I don't know if this is too much,

but I got the last five years together.

No, this is really useful, Kevin.

Kevin, what was that thing you were saying the other week

about how gay people shouldn't be allowed to live by the seaside?

Well, I don't think that was me.

Anyway, Annette, if you want

I can always stay behind for an hour or so. We could go over them.

Aw, no, not tonight. I'm meeting my son, Charlie, for dinner.

I'm picking up my company car at lunch. It's being refitted.

Refitted?

Yeah, he's in a wheelchair.

Oh, God, I had to do the same thing for my mother-in-law moved down.

It's such a pain, isn't it? Oh, yes.

Yeah, yeah. I also know how that feels. Really?

Uh-huh. Big time. My brother...is in a wheelchair, also.

You've never said anything your brother.

You've never asked, Kevin.

I actually live with him. We're pretty close.

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, that's actually him now.

Sorry to take this at work. He's probably just a bit bored.

He finds it quite hard meeting people.

He's a real inspiration.

How old is your brother, Hannah?

Uh, he's 23.

Same age as my Charlie.

Piss off! You look way too young to have a son who's 23.

You are a stone-cold MILF.

No offence.

None taken. Ha.

What are you and your brother doing tonight? Uh, nothing.

Well, you should come for dinner with me and Charlie.

He's always got something or other going on.

I'm sure he'd be happy to introduce your brother to a few people.

Well...

Hey, I'm not taking no for an answer.

Then I guess that is what is happening then. Great.

You know, I mean, I could always come along too?

I'm sure my mother-in-law's free.

What?

No, another time.

What are you doing?

I gave the television a cast.

OK, fine, whatever. Look, what are you up to tonight?

Do you fancy coming to dinner with me and my boss and her son, Charlie?

Yeah, definitely!

Cool. There is one other thing.